Beauty from Pain

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Pain ....

Pain is an inevitable part of human life. We all experience it, it's unavoidable: we feel grief when we lose someone we love; we're disappointed when we are unable to reach a goal we had set; we feel hurt by people we care about, and so on. According to many respectable people, religions etc. suffering is avoidable.

When we stop fighting reality and accept the pain in our lives, we stop suffering. The pain doesn't necessarily go away, but we feel lighter, like a weight has been lifted off us; and the situation loses its power over us - we spend less time thinking about it, and when we do think about it, our emotions aren't as intense.

So suffering can be defined as the refusal to accept the pain in our lives.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Now that may be stating it a little pushier than most people would be comfortable with, but it is not a uniquely Buddhist or Zen idea.

In Buddhism, transcending suffering may well result in our feeling the pain that is inevitable even MORE acutely. Hence, the centrality in Buddhism of compassion, not indifference. But, if it means feeling pain more acutely, it also means feeling JOY more acutely. For, the anesthesia we have the habit of doing to ourselves to shut off our pain results also in shutting off much—if not all—of the playfulness and joyousness of life.

So, how do you do it? How do you not opt for suffering? If pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional, how do you exercise your option NOT to suffer?  You are not required to believe ANYTHING. You have only to DO it.

For the first time ever, I realized that this pain, my suffering, a long-time connection I had to myself, my distorted and harsh way of dealing with my pain, and the pain I was adding to my pain.  I got a flash of this aspect of my suffering that I had never seen because suffering is so consuming at times. In this moment of awareness I understood my relationship to all of the suffering around me, where it lived in me and the voice it assumed inside of me.  I understood how it led to my own action and inaction.  I was aware of all of my open channels and pain receptivity and it was illuminating.  I was so thankful for this gift of awareness and that my consciousness was open to receive this.  I had heard, read and discussed this idea many times, but it never came to me in this form before.  I connected to a part of my pain that was causing me to suffer, and yet I held it at bay.  In those moments of awareness, I felt its shape and texture and timelessness.  It was as if this pain-upon-pain was half a loaf of bread that I had just cut, and it was now just sitting here thinking about the cutting... I spent years upon years trying to find out "what it was".   I was tormented by this energy that was standing in my way.

Later and since, in mindfulness and reflection, I began to think of my illusion, my attachment to this painful suffering and how ready I am to deepen my practice and learn about the road to cessation and cessation itself.  I don’t care so much about what went into this half a loaf of bread, who wrote the recipe or where the ingredients came from.  I am now mostly interested in how to adapt to the acceptance that it currently lives in me, that it exists and that I deeply intend to invite it into the present moment in a very new way.  It is a part of our tremendous sensitive ability and is not meant to cause stagnation or isolation.  It’s something I will continue to hear, but no longer believe.  It just is and that’s fine by me.

When you passed the patch of thorns, you got a scratch or two, and then it was over.  You incurred a passing pain, and that was it.  Perhaps the scratch was deep enough to create a small bleeding line on your arm or leg, but even so, the injury was not severe enough to keep your notice for very long.
You might avoid the thorn patch on your next way through this area, or maybe you'll forget about it until you're scratched again.  The pain of the first incident wasn't enough to be memorable, and you didn't change your route as a result.  No big deal.
Perhaps you feel disappointed in yourself for not achieving a particular goal that was important to you.  This pain might be excruciating, or it might be a constant dull ache.  Would you do anything to make it better, knowing that it might not go away without intervention of some sort?
This is, of course, a literal pain situation.

How much pain do you need to feel before you are ready to do things differently at work or in your personal life?
You are the only person who knows the amount of pain that is tolerable for you.  But if you are in pain, are you assuming that toleration is your only choice?  What if this pain were something that you could shrink, or could even cause to disappear?  What if you could avoid re-injuring yourself by choosing another path, another way of thinking or another way of behaving?

Even if the source of the pain is completely outside of your control or influence, you can decide how much proximity you want to maintain to the source.  If you live right beside a giant thorn patch, have to walk through it on your way to work every day, you might not be able to chop them down or convince the property owner to do so, but if they bother you enough you can choose to move.  Go away from it.  That much you can do.
You might not have a clear idea right now of what your life or work situation might look like if the pain-inducing element were no longer in the picture.  That's OK… Just know that You don't have to live with pain.

TO MY DADDY .....MY EVERYTHING

My father is a man of emotions, the strongest of which I love.

He love me with a breathtaking intensity. There is no doubt in my mind I am his greatest vulnerability.

I think I am a vulnerability he either didn’t care to conceal or simply didn’t have the means to conceal. His love for me is fierce, overt and abiding.

My father is not a very expressive person. Yet his love for me is so incongruous with his nature – it forced him to wear his heart on his sleeve.

My father could never abide to witness the pain of any of his children. He was incapable of stoically absorbing any hurt we endured. If any of us got hurt – it always affected him deeply.

Considering what a tough and fearful man he was perceived to be – we found this trait endearing and slightly amusing.

My father would get so agitated whenever I got hurt, regardless of how minor the ailment appeared to be.

He hated not being able to protect me from getting hurt. I knew (and took for granted) that he would always try to place himself between us and harm.

Daddy loving you is like breathing natural and easy, you made every day in my life extraordinary with your jokes and laughter ... I can´t imagine my life

without you because you´ve become a part of my very existence ... I can not express how thankful I am that you are mine, you believed in me , you filled my life with purpose and I cherish every moment with you ... I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER ....

I've never in my 40 years experienced anything so difficult. Dad, how I miss your warmth, the regular contact even though geographically we've been miles apart. Sometimes I still find myself fighting the tears. If it's any consolation, although I did grieve, it didn't take long for me to experience some peace - which increased w/ each passing day - for the Comforter came to guide and carry me through.

Dad you are funny, in a goofy sort of way, and what most might describe as an unpredictable personality if they didn't know you well. At times you attempted to shock people, which is something I also inherited from you (although now that I'm not so wild, not as characteristic of me anymore!). I know you wanted to be cool but I never really thought of you that way, no disrespect intended.

Thank you for taking me to the movies every saturday, taking me to the car races, horse races and playing sports, etc.

Thank you for telling me you are proud of me.

Thank you for allowing me to be who I AM.

Evanescence - My Heart Is Broken

I pulled away to face the pain.
I close my eyes and drift away.
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul.
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you.

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
(Over my heart).

I can't go on living this way
But I can't go back the way I came
Chained to this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Half alive without you

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us

Change - open your eyes to the light
I denied it all so long, oh so long
Say goodbye, goodbye

My heart is broken
Release me, I can't hold on
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold

Foo Fighters - These Days

One Of These Days The Ground
Will Drop Out From Beneath
Your Feet
One Of These Days Your Heart
Will Stop And Play Its Final
Beat
One Of These Days The Clocks
Will Stop And Time Won't
Mean A Thing
One Of These Days Their Bombs
Will Drop And Silence
Everything
But It's Alright
Yet It's Alright
I Said It's Alright
Easy For You To Say
Your Heart Has Never Been
Broken Your Pride Has Never Been Stolen
Not Yet Not Yet
One Of These Days
I Bet Your Heart'll Be Broken
I Bet Your Pride'll Be Stolen I'll Bet I'll Bet I'll Bet I'll Bet
One Of These Days Your Eyes
Will Close And Pain Will
Disappear
One Of These Days You Will
Forget To Hope And Learn To
Fear
But It's Alright
Yet It's Alright
I Said It's Alright
Easy For You To Say
Your Heart Has Never Been
Broken
Your Pride Has Never Been
Stolen
Not Yet Not Yet
One Of These Days
I Bet Your Heart'll Be Broken
I Bet Your Pride'll Be Stolen
I'll Bet I'll Bet I'll Bet I'll Bet
One Of These Days One Of These Days
But It's Alright
Yet It's Alright
I Said It's Alright
Yes It's Alright
Don't Say It's Alright
Don't Say It's Alright
Don't Say It's Alright
One Of These Days Your Heart
Will Stop And Play It's Final
Beat
But It's Alright
Easy For You To Say
Your Heart Has Never Been
Broken
Your Pride Has Never Been
Stolen
Not Yet Not Yet
One Of These Days
I Bet Your Heart Will Be
Broken
I Bet Your Pride Will Be Stolen
I'll Bet I'll Bet I'll Bet I'll Bet

Lykke Li - I Follow Rivers (Live)

Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)

Ups and Downs

We all have these: ups and downs. When we experience the "ups" it's a beautiful thing. We can conquer the world and are ready for any challenge that our service brings us. We smile and laugh and dance and sing. I enjoy the "ups" very much. A huge part of the "ups" is the ability to communicate and connect with friends and family back home.

The "downs" on the other hand are something else. When we are down, we are very, very down. Nothing seems to go right, we feel disconnected from friends and family back home and miss everyone. We understand that they are busy and have things to do and even though we know this, it still feels like we are much further away than we really are.

I am having a "down" day today. Work is not going great and I feel very disconnected from the people at home that mean the world to me. I am having one of those days when I question why I am here and think of how life would be so much better at home in America, or anywhere else but here for that matter. Obviously, I don't like "down" days, but I understand that they are a part of life where ever I am.

Bill Withers - Lean on me

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tommorow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand (Chorus)
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Second Verse
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand (Chorus)
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you need to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me (Call me)
Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me (if you ever need a friend)
Call me (Call me)
Call me
Call me (if you need a friend)

TO SERVE .... NOT TO BE SERVED !!!

Every morning, when I awake, the first thing that comes to my mind is gratitude—gratitude that I have another day to make a contribution and serve.

How we live our lives depends on our mindsets, on our ways of thinking. A single unwholesome thought can lead to irrevocable consequences. On a small scale, unwholesome thoughts can harm us and our families. On a larger scale, such negative thoughts can damage society, the nation, or even the whole of mankind.We have no control over the lengths of our lives, but we can decide their depths and breadths. That has to do with the values we endow our lives with. For instance, what have we done that is of benefit to society? Have we grown in wisdom? Have we helped make positive differences in the lives of others? These are things to reflect on at every moment.

Haiti has long know dire poverty. Half of her population is chronically hungry and malnourished. A series of hurricanes since last August has made people’s lives even worse. Because of the severe hardship these people have been enduring for many years, sometimes when aid distributions were held by other NGOs, chaos broke out as people pushed and shoved in the scramble for aid supplies.

They began laying the groundwork before the distribution by going door-to-door to visit people who lived and did business near the distribution site. They wanted to first extend their goodwill to these people who might be inconvenienced by the distribution, as some parts of the streets would be cordoned off during the distribution. The volunteers apologized for this and explained to the residents and shop owners how their concern for the Haitian people had brought them to Haiti to hold an aid distribution.

Local people also voluntarily joined in to help prepare aid supplies, such as rice, oil and salt, mindfully wrapping them in neat packages. Although their backs were drenched in sweat from the labor, they were all very happy to serve. Some said, “You came from so far away to help us, we should certainly do our part to help.”

Because of the respect and love that volunteers showed the local people, when the distribution ended, many locals stood on the roadside or climbed onto their roofs to see the volunteers off and wave them goodbye. The volunteers’ sincere care and respect had touched their hearts and brought forth their gratitude.

Actually, the love of the volunteers had already reached Haiti ten years earlier.

This most recent relief distribution in Haiti was actually a pilot project. While in Haiti, volunteers also took the opportunity to find out more about local medical and educational needs to see what more could do to help the country in the future.

Last year, a school in Port-au-Prince (where I´ve been twice), the capital of Haiti, collapsed due to its poor, unsound structure. The accident happened during school hours and took the lives of nearly a hundred children. When the volunteers visited the school, they found that it had been poorly built using simple materials, a common problem due to the country’s widespread poverty. To accommodate more students, more classrooms had been added on top of the older ones. The extra weight eventually led to the collapse of the building. I heard that another school collapsed sometime after this incident as well. From this, we can see how urgent the need for sturdy school buildings is.

Every one of us has wisdom and love commensurate with that possessed by the buddhas, so we are able to love others and to cherish ourselves with self-respect. Love can inspire compassion, and compassion can bring forth wisdom—this is the principle behind our work. I hope that this relief distribution will continue the connection we formed with Haiti ten years ago. I hope through our work, we can spread seeds of love in that country and help these seeds take root. In this way, the needy in Haiti can truly get the help they need to get back on their feet.

Nothing is impossible as long as we set our minds to it with the spirit of the Four Immeasurables—loving-kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity.

Carrying out humanitarian work in Haiti is not easy, but we have volunteers willingly shoulder this mission. For the volunteers, as long as people’s suffering can be relieved, no matter how tiring the work is, they will have no complaints or regrets. This comes from the loving-kindness and compassion they have. With the spirit of joy and equanimity, their minds will not be troubled and they can undertake the work selflessly, without seeking anything in return. Because of this, they are able to vigorously meet and overcome the many challenges of aid work.

Although there will always be difficulties when working in the world, as long as we can dedicate ourselves with the Four Immeasurable Minds, we will be able to smooth out even the rockiest paths. “With loving-kindness, we have no regrets; with great compassion, we have no complaints; with a joyful mind, we have no troubles; and with equanimity, we give without asking for anything in return.”

Because we (the) volunteers cannot bear to see others suffer, they willingly endure all weather conditions to visit areas of suffering and help the people there. All across the world, they are doing this in order to give love and spread seeds of goodness. It is like a relay—just as some volunteers are about to call it a day in one country, other volunteers are starting a new day of giving in another. At every single moment, touching stories are taking place. This fills me with gratitude.

Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend… when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present — love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure — the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.

Sia - Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe.......................................