If it hurts, it’s hurtful. Fullstop.

“Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.”

Never regret anyone who was a part of your life. Your experiences and relationships helped make you the person you are today. Sometimes it’s hard looking back, realizing what once was and what could never be again. But that’s what happens after a breakup. You start replaying everything that happened, from the little conversations that have stuck in your memory to the big fights that you have no idea why they started in the first place.

Some people say that it’s a sign of weakness to let go, that it’s the same thing as giving up. But I believe letting go can sometimes be a sign of strength. To let go of someone you love, to put yourself and your happiness first, to have the strength to make the hard decision when it’s easier to stay together. To let go of something you put so much effort into. That’s what it is. You’ve invested so much of yourself and your time into a relationship that’s simply not working out anymore. And no matter how hard you try and want it to work, it just doesn’t and it can’t.

Only a strong person is able to let go of memories, thoughts and emotions. Because letting go of them means letting go of the identities we’ve dressed ourselves in. And beautifully enough, only a strong person can learn to let go of other people. To overcome possessing other people is one of the most enlightening achievements we can aspire to.

Letting go will generate a sense of emptiness at the beginning, one that can be difficult to live with. Nevertheless, strength resides in our capability to face this emptiness and transform it into wholeness. To overcome fears of doubt and unfamiliarity.

I know I am strong because I’m ready to know what lies outside my comfort zone. I’m ready for freedom and I’m riding this roller coaster with an open heart and mind.

If we are still finding difficulty letting go, I suggest we openly ask ourselves who’s in control. Who has the power, the strength? Do things in our lives control us or do we control them?

Did you figure out the answer yet?

Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.

The problem with the pain that comes from true love lost is that it takes time to form, to build upon itself and become realized. You don't just break your heart and learn your lesson. Heartbreak itself doesn't live in a single moment — hearts have the ability to chip and break apart almost infinitely.

When Someone You Love is Toxic – How to Let Go, Without Guilt

Everything they do is to keep people small and manageable. This will play out through criticism, judgement, oppression – whatever it takes to keep someone in their place. The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person will call on toxic behaviour to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box they believe you belong in.

It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship there will be other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behaviour is the lack of concern around their impact on others.

They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants.

Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon.

Even the strongest people can find themselves in a toxic relationship but the longer they stay, the more they are likely to evolve into someone who is a smaller, less confident, more wounded version of the person they used to be.

Non-toxic people who stay in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better, and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he or she wants – control. 

Families are a witness to our lives – our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our frailties and flaws. All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a decent, thriving human. The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core.

Rather than being lessons on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach are about closing down, staying small and burying needs – but for every disempowering lesson, there is one of empowerment, strength and growth that exists with it. In toxic families, these are around how to walk away from the ones we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to let go of guilt and any fantasy that things could ever be different. And here’s the rub – the pain of a toxic relationship won’t soften until the lesson has been learned.

In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back. When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be.

Healthy people welcome the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a little to accommodate. When one person in a system changes, whether it’s a relationship of two or a family of many, it can be challenging. Even the strongest and most loving relationships can be touched by feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and insecurity at times in response to somebody’s growth or happiness. We are all vulnerable to feeling the very normal, messy emotions that come with being human.

The difference is that healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Unhealthy ones will blame, manipulate and lie – whatever they have to do to return things to the way they’ve always been, with the toxic person in control.

If you try to leave a toxic person, things might get worse before they get better – but they will always get better. Always.

Few things will ramp up feelings of insecurity or a need for control more than when someone questions familiar, old behaviour, or tries to break away from old, established patterns in a relationship. For a person whose signature moves involve manipulation, lies, criticism or any other toxic behaviour, when something feels as though it’s changing, they will use even more of their typical toxic behaviour to bring the relationship (or the person) back to a state that feels acceptable.

Sometimes toxic people will hide behind the defence that they are doing what they do because they love you, or that what they do is ‘no big deal’ and that you’re the one causing the trouble because you’re just too sensitive, too serious, too – weak, stupid, useless, needy, insecure, jealous – too ‘whatever’ to get it. You will have heard the word plenty of times before. 

The only truth you need to know is this: If it hurts, it’s hurtful. Fullstop.

Walking away from a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always okay. And it is always – always – worth it. This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.

Letting go will likely come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They will probably be crueller, more manipulative and more toxic than ever. They will do what they’ve always done because it has always worked. Keep moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel your step.

You can’t pretend toxic behaviour away or love it away or eat it, drink it, smoke it, depress it or gamble it away. You can’t avoid the impact by being smaller, by crouching or bending or flexing around it. But you can walk away from it – so far away that the most guided toxic fuelled missile that’s thrown at you won’t find you.

One day they might catch up to you – not catch you, catch up to you – with their growth and their healing but until then, choose your own health and happiness over their need to control you.