July, 01

The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.

Soul Rape....

“It is not the the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind.”

When You raped me,

You took my happiness

And instilled nothing but fear to me

You took away my smile and gave me sadness

My laughter turned into tears

You made me believe I was nothing and a no one

You made me believe no one was by my side

That I was a loner

You gave me depression

I easily accepted for I thought I really was

A good for nothing soul

You took away all I had

Truth is, as much as you hurt me,

Tore me apart and ripped my being to shreds

I felt no pain, not that I resisted it

But because I possessed it no longer

You had pained me so much when you raped me

That I gave up crying and trying to run for help

When you raped me, you changed me into an empty animal

A fool I would say

I was empty, so empty

I resent you damnit for all you did to me.

I now possess anger that you penetrated into me

For God knows what reasons

Some say it’s greed and yet I still don’t understand it

There are days and nights that I still cry

And can’t even sleep or eat

For I still feel your presence

I can hear you breathing

There are nights I feel like committing suicide

But I never can go through with it

When you raped me

You left nothing but hatred and anger

I’m filled with all the wrong feelings because of you

I hate you

When you raped me,

You gave me the worst feeling; FEAR

A feeling I despise more than I hate you.

I am to bury all those feelings and move on with life

For they are only destroying me

As I bury them all, as well as the animal me

The empty me, a NEW me is formed

A BETTER and IMPROVED me

When you raped me

You opened my eyes

SCARS.......

This Is What It Feels Like To Be Raped

This is going to be difficult for me to write, but I’m sure it’s even more difficult for you to read. I’m nobody important, but I’ve been through things that nobody should ever have to go through. And so many others have gone through the same horrible things. But I want to be the voice for all of us, to describe in detail what we’ve gone through. Maybe you’ve been through it too, or maybe you have no idea what it’s like to be hurt at all. Either way, I’m here to speak my message and tell you what it feels like to be raped.

It isn’t just about rape. It’s about everything that falls under “sexual assault”, all the things that everyone just brushes under the rug. The things that aren’t okay, no matter what the circumstances are. It doesn’t matter that my bra strap was showing through my shirt, or that my initial friendliness towards you was anything more than it was. It doesn’t matter that I was okay with you kissing me, so you felt entitled to forcefully grope me as well. It doesn’t even matter if I’m in a relationship with you, because NO will always have the same definition.

To be raped is to be broken, in more ways than I could ever count. To be raped is to have somebody reach inside to your soul, and force it to slowly die. Have you ever had somebody grab your hand, maybe playfully at first, but then hold on just a little too tightly, and for a moment you realize you’re not strong enough to break free and just have to wait for your hand to be released? It’s a common scenario, something that happens all the time on the preschool playground, starting all the way from playful childhood. Imagine that feeling, that moment where you realize you aren’t strong enough to break free when that person grabs your wrist, and imagine that feeling applied to your whole body. Your arms, legs, voice, everything…become useless. Your body isn’t even your body anymore. It belongs to them. And not only your body, but everything you are is exposed and ripped away from you. And there’s nothing for you to do except wait. At some point, you stop struggling, or maybe you never even could, paralyzed by fear or alcohol. And you feel as though anything in the world could be better than this. Even death. You may even pray that you could choose death instead. Unfortunately, you couldn’t, and every second that passed felt like an hour, excruciating hour by excruciating hour.

When it’s over, when your body is freed, you feel foreign in your own skin. Your body isn’t your body anymore; it’s contaminated, destroyed.

I took ten showers and I still didn’t feel clean. For weeks and months and maybe even years following, you still find it hard to recognize yourself, or think of yourself as the person you were before you were raped. It’s not something that can ever be erased, even as the physical bruises fade. Every person around you becomes a virtual threat and sometimes I still hold my breath when I walk past a group of boys because I know what people are capable of.

Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to you? I’ve felt angry, confused, terrified, scared, powerless. Why do people do horrible things? I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer, and for a while, I just wanted to die. But I didn’t, because even though every day I lived on felt like I was being dragged through glass, I saw good things around me and I realized that not everything is bad and evil.

I became friends with boys that I’ve grown to trust, that I feel safe around. If you’ve gone through this, you know what I’m talking about. It takes time. Nothing will ever erase what happened to you, and sooner or later you’ll have to acknowledge the event in order to begin healing from it. During therapy, I had to relive one of the worst encounters I’ve had, and it was one of the most painful things I’ve had to go through. After months and months of being numb, I had to rip off the band-aid that I’d placed on my soul and expose it again so I could learn how to stitch myself together to properly heal.

I can’t fix you, your friends can’t fix you, and future relationships can’t even fix you. Alcohol and drugs can’t erase what happened to you, and trust me, I’ve tried. You might never be able to go back to the person you used to be, but it is possible for you to heal and finally learn to recognize yourself. You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and it’s not fair. But I promise you that you’re going to be okay, and that this can make you even stronger. Don’t be afraid to share your story, or reach out to others that have gone through similar experiences. Together we can spread awareness and learn to be live again. 

"Childhood should be carefree, playing in the sun; not living a nightmare in the darkness of the soul"

Isaac Gracie - terrified

well i sleep all day 

and drink all night 

just give me one good reason 

i’ll turn out my light 

now i’m terrified 

now i’m terrified 

and i’ve heard all the people 

calling my name but they’ll never see just 

how i’ve changed 

now i’m terrified 

now i’m terrified 

cos i don’t wanna be your boy, i wanna be your man 

but something’s got me wrong inside 

now i’m looking for the answer i don’t understand

and, darling i am terrified 

i’m terrified that maybe 

i wasn’t cut out for this 

you know i’m terrified that maybe 

i wasn’t cut out for this 

i know it’s hard to explain how, it got this way 

and people only want to know why 

well i wish i had the answer that would make it ok 

the truth is i’m just terrified

cos i don’t wanna be your boy, i wanna be your man 

but something’s got me wrong inside 

now i’m looking for the answer i don’t understand

and darling i am terrified 

i’m terrified that maybe 

i wasn’t cut out for this 

you know i’m terrified that maybe 

i wasn’t cut out for this 

you know, you can come and save me

but you’d have to take a risk 

cause i‘m terrified that maybe 

i wasn’t cut out for this 

i wasn’t cut out for this 

Steve Aoki feat. Linkin Park - Darker Than Blood (Official Video)

Darker than the blood

Higher than the sun

This is not the end

You are not the only one

Lose your mind

"You don't need much to lose your mind for a minute."

Heal my soul... Recover my faith!!!

My heart is aching and my spirit is broken, I am on my knees, depleted and defeated. I wanted to give up but there’s a tiny part of me that still whispers hold on for dear life; my faith has been shaken, my faith, the most precious thing I ever had and my life has been split into fragments I can’t seem to put back together. 

Yes, this is so painful and yes it seems hopeless, but no, it rarely is. Sometimes, panic is a reminder that we still want to hope for the things we’ve lost hope for, and tragedy is a reminder that we can still feel in a world that doesn’t want us to. Sometimes, when we feel like we’re sleeping our way through life, we’re really reawakening to the truth. It’s never easy taking the red pill or casting light on the shadows of the cave you once mistook reality for, but sometimes, it’s a necessary evil we swallow, because each trapdoor could be the portal to the path that leads us anywhere but here.

The truth is, grieving is never a straight line, it comes full circle and we might be forced to live through it again and again. Healing is never linear, it’s a maze of distortions, confusion, smoke and mirrors, pain that was never spoken and invisible scars, battle wounds that never made it to the surface. The worst wars may be fought alone and in your own head.

Healing has no timeline, no deadline, and no concrete measure like pills in a cup – in fact, forcing yourself to heal or comparing your healing to others is a prescription for poison rather than a cure. Sometimes healing comes in a quiet silence or a less shaky breath when you speak. Sometimes it’s the courage to walk outdoors and confront the demons that don’t exist. Sometimes healing comes in the tiny moments that no one ever thinks to say “thank you” for. And sometimes, the best way to heal is to know that there are some things that cannot be healed, won’t be healed or aren’t meant to be healed in the ways we think they are – they’re meant to be channeled and transformed.

The truth is, what feels like your crucifixion doesn’t have any quick fixes, only slow movements in a never ending dance. Time or words alone can’t always soothe the wounds that can’t be put into language. Trauma can speak in a foreign tongue and weave its code into every cell – this is the type of pain where the body and the mind both keep the score. Sometimes the only band-aids you have are platitudes mixed with raw truth – the days where you feel like you won’t survive and the days where you learn you can, and all the  beautifully horrific moments in between.

The shock of the pain may never fully go away, it’s just numbed and buried beneath tombs, beneath new memories, waiting to erupt through the cracks and crevices left open in your thoughts. Thoughts that wrap around your body like a choke-hold, never seeming to let go. But in these thoughts, there are gaps, opportunities to interrupt the old tapes playing in the background, frozen in time.

That’s because experiencing overwhelming pain doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to sketch new thoughts, or paint new memories, because pain can be as transformative as the art on a torn canvas. It can make you appreciate all the small joys you’d never think to relish. You are forced to remember the things you took for granted, the ones that appeared minuscule, and realize their larger-than-life roles in the grand scheme of things. In truth, pain is the excuse you needed to embrace all you have to be grateful for and all the things you fear losing so much you’ll now work even harder to keep.

Because when you feel like you’re dying, a life of pain reminds you to savor the things that matter, the things that are left worth fighting for.

Breathe just breathe, because when you breathe through what you’ve been through and remember all the days that you survived and all the days you didn’t want to, you’ll remember the brief moments that were so important, the quick snapshots of your life that delayed you burying your head in the sand, never to come out again. The ones that made you use the voice you silenced – the voice trapped within for years. The strange happenings that made you smile for the first time in weeks, the rare kindness of strangers who lent a hand, or the surprising reminders that God still laughs even when you’ve forgotten how.

Don’t worry if one day, the pain seems to be at a standstill and you forget the old narratives running through your head, or if you rewrite your story even before you’ve lived another tale. Don’t be afraid of your own powerlessness, and don’t be afraid of your own power.

In the worst moments of your life, it’s helpful to remember that when a chrysalis appears to shake violently, it’s actually not breaking, it’s warding off predators – and that sometimes when it turns black, it’s actually unfolding into something new. Destruction can be the incentive for creation and self-protection. Crucifixion, the pathway for resurrection.

The pause in between, a much-needed hibernation that happens before rising once more.

Yet change isn’t always so immediate, or easy or even gratifying or desirable. Sometimes, change comes on a slow spin of the world on its axis and gravity is the only thing keeping you grounded. Even the most glorious changes are excessively painful during the time we go through them. We don’t look back at those deaths the same way we do when we’re in the midst of dying – we don’t see them as rebirths, we see them as cruel fates we are undeserving of.

But be sure that one day in the future there will be the privilege of more awakenings and of more happiness than you can capture in photographs; new growing pains and new first drafts. Rest assured that if you do not give up now, you’ll get to change the course of everything that’s still unwritten.

Healing is a process. Something doesn’t just end and you accept it.

Healing is a process. It’s takes you understanding why something didn’t work out. It takes learning that some people just aren’t meant for you.

In your head that’s easy. You can say it over and over again but when your heart is conflicted, logic and what makes sense doesn’t seem to anymore.

Tore between what you know is right and what you want to be right you’re stuck in this limbo of wanting to move back to a time when things were different. Where the possibility of a future seemed real. Suddenly you realize any next steps towards the future are ones you’re taking alone. So you stand still not knowing where to go.

That’s healing.

Healing is a process. It’s loving someone but loving them enough to let them be. Even when you don’t want to.

Then acceptance comes. With the things you can’t change, you’re forced to move on.

Maybe you’ve noticed her pull away a bit. Maybe you don’t talk like you used to. Maybe she doesn’t blowup your newsfeed nor do you do the same. Maybe you know she’s hurting.

Desesperately trying to fix herself. Find herself. Heal.

Maybe she’s growing distant because she’s trying to heal.

And as much as she’d love to talk to you or tell you things, she’s gotta put her phone down.

She reminds herself, “if they wanted to be with me they  would be.”

“If they, specially  she want to talk to me, she can call, she will answer the damn phone and will say to me I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU .... But, it's been already more than 4 years that she say, I HATE YOU.”

Maybe you don’t realize she’s trying to distance herself.

But when you do realize it and when you start to miss her too…stop.

Don’t make it harder for her than it needs to be.

Don’t ask her how she is. Don’t check in.

Everything about you reminds her of things that couldn’t be.

So when you see her and she doesn’t smile like she used to, when she doesn’t talk to you the way she used to, when she doesn’t look at you the way she used to, it isn’t because she doesn’t care.

The truth is she cares about you more than anyone in her life.

But she can’t keep holding onto something that hurts as bad as it does.

The hardest lesson we will ever learn is when to let go and when to try harder.

She’s growing distant because she needs to because she needs to know what a life is like without you and she hates the idea of it.

There sadness to becoming strangers with someone who knows you better than most. But there’s greater sadness trying to keep someone who isn’t meant for you. And the greatest sadness of all is losing yourself to someone else.

So when she pulls away or doesn’t answer or tries to ignore you, don’t take it personally. Take it as she needs to heal. She deserves to heal.

When you leave everything you know behind, you will hurt people. You don’t want to hurt these people, but it’s an inevitability. You will be soaked in the guilt of knowing that you’re doing what’s right for you but not for them. You will hear Regina Spektor’s “Small Town Moon” play over and over in your head.

“How can I leave without hurting everyone that made me?/How can I leave without hurting everyone that made me?”

You will try to imagine a life without the people who molded and shaped you. You soon realize you can not only imagine this kind of life but live it. 

You will wonder if you’re making the right choice? How could a choice that was supposed to be relieving and filled with possibility be so detrimental and scarring for others? You will not be able to answer these questions.

But you will do your best to be gentle with the people hurting. You will assure them. You will do your best.

When you leave everything you know behind, you will get lonely. The kind of loneliness that is palpable. You will hang up pictures. You will surround yourself with the faces of the people who know you best. You’ll stare at these pictures and pray to God no one forgets you. Before you unpack your dishes, you’ll set up the perfect guest room. You’ll put out fresh towels and linens and make the bed just right–just in case anyone wants to come visit this summer.

You will walk your dognd you will cry. You will second-guess why you did this. You will wonder if you’ll ever make friends. You will miss your  friends to the point where you can no longer stand. You will kneel on the sidewalk. You will take a deep breath. You will let the loneliness pass through you with the bay breeze. You will stand.

When you leave everything you know behind, you will feel liberated. You will feel brave and proud and strong. You left behind comfort for adventure. You are fucking brave. You dug into the dirt and pulled your roots out with both hands. You replanted them in a place filled with scary unknowns. You took a risk. You leapt blindly into the darkness. And in this darkness, no one knows you. No one knows your past. No one knows your memories tainted with loss and gut-punching sadness–the kind of sadness that you can physically feel course through your veins. The kind of sadness that smothered you until you couldn’t breathe. These ghosts are still attached to your life, but they are no longer living in the same room as you. They are still in your heart, but they will feel lighter. You will feel lighter.

When you leave everything you know behind, you will change. You will feel humbled. You will feel small. You will feel strong. You will get to know yourself on entirely different level (all that alone time, y’know?). You will be intentional with friendships. You will miss what you used to call home. You will call home. You will explore. You will open yourself up. You will adapt. You will survive. You will feel lost. You will wonder when this place will stop feeling like a vacation. You will yearn for familiarity. You will learn how strong and resilient you really are. You will grow. You will realize that everything you left behind is really everything that made you who you are today–and you will keep those people and those places in the safest space of your heart where they can never get hurt. 

Small Town Moon

Regina Spektor

I must've lived a thousand times

But every day begins the same

'Cause there's a small town in my mind

How can I leave without hurting everyone that made me?

How can I leave without hurting everyone that made me?

Oh, baby, baby, it's all about the moon

I wish you wouldn't have broken my camera

'Cause we're gonna get real old real soon

Today we're younger than we ever gonna be

Today we're younger than we ever gonna be

Woo!

Today we're younger than we ever gonna be

Stop, stop, what's the hurry?

Come on, baby, don't you worry, worry

Everybody not so nice, nice

Everybody not so nice, nice

Stop, stop, what's the hurry?

Come on, baby, don't you worry, worry

Everybody not so nice, nice

Everybody not so nice, nice

Thought you ought to know by now

I thought you ought to know by now

Everybody not so nice, nice

Everybody not so nice, nice

Oh, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby

Baby, baby, baby, baby it's all about the moon

I must've lived a thousand times

But there's a small town in my mind

How can I leave without hurting everyone that made me?

How can I leave without hurting everyone that made me?

Woo!

How can I leave without hurting everyone that made me?

Oh, how can I leave without hurting everyone that made me?

Oh oh!

How can I leave without hurting everyone that made me?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VYwrKM5Pb0

#ProudToBe: Celebrate Brave Voices this Pride

In a world where some people still try to silence LGBTQ+ voices, the act of being yourself is an act of bravery for all to see. And in the context of a global climate that highlights the vulnerability of LGBTQ+ rights, it’s more important than ever that LGBTQ+ voices and stories are shared and heard. 

An inclusive, vibrant, ever-expanding LGBTQ+ community has been a vital part of YouTube since we started. And we’re proud to stand with a group that believes every human being deserves the right to be who they are and love who they love. So to all those brave voices who continue to make Youtube the colorful, diverse and supportive place it is, we’re #ProudToBe with you.

Proud To Be Gay

“The best thing about coming out is, it's totally liberating. You feel like you've made this incredible discovery about yourself and you want to share it and be open and honest and not spend all your time wondering how is this person going to react, or should I be careful around this person, or what will the neighbors say? And it's more. It's about getting past the question of what's wrong with me, to knowing there's nothing wrong, that you were born this way. You're a normal person and a beautiful person and you should be proud of who you are. You deserve to live with dignity and show people your pride.” 

― Julie Anne Peters, Keeping You a Secret

Dan Reynolds (Imagine Dragons) & Hans Zimmer – "Skipping Stones" (From t...

I wake up every morning with a new resolve

Two hands and one heart, let the world revolve

One eye to the ocean and one to the sky

One life of devotion and where am I?

One heart to love within my chest

One life to live

[Chorus]

I keep skipping stones, hoping for a change

But things just stay the same

I keep walking roads, looking for a home

That I can call my own

Skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

[Verse 2]

One chance to reach out and find a place for me

One chance to find love for all humanity

One eye to the mountain and one to the sands

One dime for the fountain and one for my hand

One heart to love within my chest

[Chorus]

I keep skipping stones, hoping for a change

But things just stay the same

I keep walking roads, looking for a home

That I can call my own

Skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

[Bridge]

Skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

[Interlude]

Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics. It just comes — none knows whence — and cannot explain itself

Love is a madness, if thwarted it develops fast

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain

[Chorus]

I keep skipping stones, hoping for a change

But things just stay the same

I keep walking roads, looking for a home

That I can call my own

Skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

Skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

I'm skipping stones

joke

If People Are Talking About You Behind Your Back, Then Just Fart. Lol 😂 

I think you guys will appreciate it .... xoxox