Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb (Live 8)

Is there anybody in there? 
Just nod if you can hear me. 
Is there anyone at home? 
Come on now 
I hear you're feeling down. 
Well I can ease your pain 
Get you on your feet again. 
Relax. 
I'll need some information first. 
Just the basic facts. 
Can you show me where it hurts? 

There is no pain you are receding 
A distant ship smoke on the horizon. 
You are only coming through in waves. 
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying. 
When I was a child I had a fever 
My hands felt just like two balloons. 
Now I've got that feeling once again 
I can't explain you would not understand 
This is not how I am. 
I have become comfortably numb. 

O.K. 
Just a little pinprick. 
There'll be no more, ah! 
But you may feel a little sick. 
Can you stand up? 
I do believe it's working, good. 
That'll keep you going through the show 
Come on it's time to go. 

There is no pain you are receding 
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon. 
You are only coming through in waves. 
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying. 
When I was a child 
I caught a fleeting glimpse 
Out of the corner of my eye. 
I turned to look but it was gone 
I cannot put my finger on it now 
The child is grown, 
The dream is gone. 
I have become comfortably numb.

Feeling empty ... Stuck

I really need to figure out something comfortable to believe in. 

I am a good person, I plant a tree on my beach house, I didn´t have children because I am not capable "infertile" and mmm yes I wrote books actually three but I am afraid to show them. I was asking to myself what will happen when I die. So I have to ask, "What the heck am I doing here and what the heck am I supposed to be doing while I am here?" Sometimes I wonder, If we're just here for a short time and there's nothing afterward, then why bother doing anything at all? Maybe it is important to have a sense of why we are here and how our lives effect our afterlife. 

As I've said, I personally don't believe in the  classical view of God, nor do I believe that there is a master plan of any kind.

This is something I can believe in - that how we live our lives and how we prepare for our deaths is completely up to us. If we are here for any purpose at all, it is simply to live - to be born, to live as long as we can and to eventually die. That's it. There's no more guidance than that. But in that belief, there are many decisions and choices to be made.

I believe that we alone determine who we are and how we behave throughout our lives and that this effects our state of mind as we face the end.  

Life sucks. Why it has to be so hard. Life is so hard, it keeps me struggle everyday and every second. I hope I can really escape from this hectic life. 

Now one of my rules in life is not having expectations. I have found my past expectations of people and/or situations have typically created the most unhappiness in my life. If I approach life without expectations, then every situation/person offers the opportunity to authentically experience reality, good or bad. No expectations mean I am open to all of the marvelous opportunities and possibilities.    

Now things aren't as bright as i know they could be ... i´m stuck.  Im so lost and i feel like i am not being guided anywhere. My life change 360 degrees and now is like im on pause. Since the doctors explained me the condition of my dad and gave him time of life I can´t feel anything... it is like a fucking waiting... a horrible agony ... supposedly this kind of situations joins the family tight but of course in my case is the opposite ... I am living the worst experience in my life ... 

I became cynical while ago and I survive and made a healthy life but now is like everything is inactive, motionless ... I am one of that persons that born to survive so after all the pain, etc. I learned how to do it and now this .... I try everyday to find something that excited me or give me illusion but it is hard ... Every single day I wake up....and immediately feel nothing but emptiness. If there is a one in a million chance something will go completely fucked, it will happen. hard work does not always pay off sometimes youre just fucking stuck. 

When I find a new book or movie not last longer than a day ... When I finally meet someone that moves any fiber of my being (not in sexual way) OMG it is so complicated ... I do not expect anything from anyone, no one built my life or helped me to do it... now I do not even remember what the fuck are feelings...? I've learned that no one is indispensable... I´ve learned that is better protect myself so I don´t experienced feelings ...

On the top of everything else the last few days I am in an horrendous physical pain. I have had to increase my pain meds to manage this extra pain and now I am dealing with an order of magnitude increase in fatigue. I didn´t see my dr. for a while because I am here waiting for my father deadline.  I hate it! I hate it! It is so frustrating ... In the meantime, I'll keep writing....

Florence and the Machine - Cosmic Love (Live on KEXP)

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you...

Theory Of A Deadman - Not Meant To Be

It's never enough to say I'm sorry

It's never enough to say I care

But I'm caught between what you wanted from me

And knowing that if I give that to you

I might just disappear

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

It's like one step forward and two steps back

No matter what I do you're always mad

And I, I can't change your mind

I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street

I can't give you what you want

And it's killing me

And I, I'm starting to see

Maybe we're not meant to be

It's never enough to say I love you

No, it's never enough to say I try

It's hard to believe

That's theres no way out for you and me

And it seems to be the story of our lives

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

There's still time to turn this around

You could be building this up instead of tearing it down

But I keep thinking

Maybe it's too late

Brandi Carlile - The Story

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what 
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you...

androgynous things....

I was always into very androgynous things.... those who know me know how androgynous I am in terms of my personality, behavior, and identity. The soul is beyond male and female as it is beyond Life and Death.

Love yourself ....

Once I read:

Never forget that your life is bigger than your fears, your strength is greater than your doubts and if your mind is confused, your heart will always know the answer. Fight for what you really feel and have the virtue of knowing how to wait. Because everything that has to be, will be, all that has to come will come.

Jamás olvides que tu vida es más grande que tus miedos, que tus fuerzas son mayores que tus dudas y aunque tu mente esté confundida, tu corazón siempre sabrá la respuesta. Con el tiempo, lo que hoy es difícil, mañana será un desafío superado. Pelea por lo que realmente sientes y ten la virtud de saber esperar. Porque todo lo que tiene que ser, será, todo lo que tenga que venir vendrá. 

After 40 years .... hmmm well this is what I believe .... love is so overrated and we hear so many stories about people getting divorced that it makes me doubt whether it is what it is. People say that when you're young, you don´t know what love is but isn´t love supposed to be one of those things that trips you up, that catches you out , that has you falling into a never- ending trap.... what worries me is how long does this spell last for??? how long before she finally loses interest, before she doesn´t care??? how can love ever exist forever.....

So guys YOU need to love yourself first prior to developing any meaningful relationships with others... 

I have found that self-esteem and self-love are issues that are often related together. If you suffer from low self esteem, it is possible that the the root cause is a case of insufficient self-love. And so, you have found it difficult to find that little bit of love for yourself. Loving yourself feels unnatural for a start because your mind has been ingrained with self sabotaging thoughts for the longest time.

However, nothing is going to happen if you do not make a conscious decision. And that includes attracting abundance. When you don’t love yourself, you are basically telling the Universe that you are unworthy or undeserving of any love or positive outcomes that have the same vibrational match as love.

Learning to love yourself starts with making a conscious decision, an intention to become happy and lead a fulfilled life.

Trust Yourself. Have confidence in your abilities. Know that you have the ability to make important changes for yourself, for as long as you put your heart to it. You can also support yourself by visualizing desired outcomes. Forgive Yourself. If you have made mistakes in the past that had caused you to feel less worthy, then you need to forgive yourself. All of us make mistakes; so there really is no need to beat yourself up over them. Also, if you have been carrying around a baggage of emotional hurt because of a childhood trauma, learn to forgive yourself. Be Truthful To Yourself. Loving yourself requires you to be truthful about your own feelings. If you are happy, acknowledge the joy. If you are sad, acknowledge the sorrow. When you are truthful about your feelings, you do not try to lie to yourself or seek to bury your negative emotions. Instead, acknowledging what you feel provides a good guide to what your thoughts are. And as we all know, thoughts can be changed, so that healing and self growth can take place. Grow Spiritually. When you spend time growing spiritually, loving yourself becomes automatic. You become more peaceful, connected, kind, loving and compassionate. You nurture a mind that grows more beautiful by the day. You naturally love yourself in the process.

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.” 

Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

survival mode.....

Who cares!?  Why do I have to put a reason to it? Im here.
Once I tack a reason to it, Iím forever trying to live up to it. I prefer to think that there is no purpose to life. At least there is no ONE purpose to life. There are many reasons for life. Do I need any of those reasons to continue living? No. Iím already here, alive. It´s like being stranded on a deserted island. A person can question why the ship wrecked, or why they were on the ship in the first place, but it doesnít help in finding fresh water and food. Sometimes life is a matter of survival. Many people are in survival mode.

I see many people who are at work, not because they love the work, but because they need the job to get the money to live their lives the way they want. I do it sometimes too. I go in and out of survival mode. Sometimes work is just a paycheck. There is no purpose or meaning to it. Then I think of the great relationships and friendships I have with some of my coworkers. I love people really and think that this could be the reason I am here. I think of my other activities outside of work and think, ìThis is the reason I am working; For them..... all of the things I am doing may or may not be the reason I am alive. But life goes on doesn´t it?

Well every day at least I can wake up every morning thankful for another day. I can make choices about what I want to do based on what I see going on. I´m going to refrain from hanging a purpose around my neck and just live the best way I know how. I already know I am alive so now what? Well, let´s see... So many choices, so little time....

A life change....

I needed some context for such a fucking statement.... my statement ......

Do you have any things in your life that make you want to be a better person?

Is there anything in your life that would make you say: “I owe this the very best that I have to offer!”

Often, the truth of the matter isn’t that they’re stuck, it’s that they just haven’t found something that demands the very best they have to offer – something that makes them want to be a better person.

Well, what if the answer isn’t something outside of yourself?  What if it’s not a person or a thing?

What about your life itself?

What would that day look like to you?

What would it sound like?

Imagine living like that for just one day! How would that feel?....

CLAU

Mazzy Star - Fade Into You (1994)

Duele....

“Desde donde estoy parada veo dolor sufrimientos y miserias.... Cuanto más observo, menos creo”

Me duele al alma, me duele todo... quiero que el dolor sólo pase pronto.... Dios dame luz y también esperanzas porque así me siento muerta, así vacía está mi alma.... Esta vida me está consumiendo busco espacios en donde esconderme y desiertos en donde poder gritar... Busco espejos en donde no verme y hombros en donde llorar.... Que me escuchen y no me juzguen ... busco a alguien que me haga ver que en esta vida se puede creer.... busco alguien que me haga sentir... Tanta soledad .... tanta ausencia .... dolor que avasalla ... miedo a sentir