Feeling empty ... Stuck

I really need to figure out something comfortable to believe in. 

I am a good person, I plant a tree on my beach house, I didn´t have children because I am not capable "infertile" and mmm yes I wrote books actually three but I am afraid to show them. I was asking to myself what will happen when I die. So I have to ask, "What the heck am I doing here and what the heck am I supposed to be doing while I am here?" Sometimes I wonder, If we're just here for a short time and there's nothing afterward, then why bother doing anything at all? Maybe it is important to have a sense of why we are here and how our lives effect our afterlife. 

As I've said, I personally don't believe in the  classical view of God, nor do I believe that there is a master plan of any kind.

This is something I can believe in - that how we live our lives and how we prepare for our deaths is completely up to us. If we are here for any purpose at all, it is simply to live - to be born, to live as long as we can and to eventually die. That's it. There's no more guidance than that. But in that belief, there are many decisions and choices to be made.

I believe that we alone determine who we are and how we behave throughout our lives and that this effects our state of mind as we face the end.  

Life sucks. Why it has to be so hard. Life is so hard, it keeps me struggle everyday and every second. I hope I can really escape from this hectic life. 

Now one of my rules in life is not having expectations. I have found my past expectations of people and/or situations have typically created the most unhappiness in my life. If I approach life without expectations, then every situation/person offers the opportunity to authentically experience reality, good or bad. No expectations mean I am open to all of the marvelous opportunities and possibilities.    

Now things aren't as bright as i know they could be ... i´m stuck.  Im so lost and i feel like i am not being guided anywhere. My life change 360 degrees and now is like im on pause. Since the doctors explained me the condition of my dad and gave him time of life I can´t feel anything... it is like a fucking waiting... a horrible agony ... supposedly this kind of situations joins the family tight but of course in my case is the opposite ... I am living the worst experience in my life ... 

I became cynical while ago and I survive and made a healthy life but now is like everything is inactive, motionless ... I am one of that persons that born to survive so after all the pain, etc. I learned how to do it and now this .... I try everyday to find something that excited me or give me illusion but it is hard ... Every single day I wake up....and immediately feel nothing but emptiness. If there is a one in a million chance something will go completely fucked, it will happen. hard work does not always pay off sometimes youre just fucking stuck. 

When I find a new book or movie not last longer than a day ... When I finally meet someone that moves any fiber of my being (not in sexual way) OMG it is so complicated ... I do not expect anything from anyone, no one built my life or helped me to do it... now I do not even remember what the fuck are feelings...? I've learned that no one is indispensable... I´ve learned that is better protect myself so I don´t experienced feelings ...

On the top of everything else the last few days I am in an horrendous physical pain. I have had to increase my pain meds to manage this extra pain and now I am dealing with an order of magnitude increase in fatigue. I didn´t see my dr. for a while because I am here waiting for my father deadline.  I hate it! I hate it! It is so frustrating ... In the meantime, I'll keep writing....