Stages to eternity…
homelessness…
hopelessness…
lifelessness…
Worried faces stare at me I try and hide the agony, buried within, so deep inside so fucking deep that I no longer cry nothing helps to cure the pain blood from my wrists like crimson rain so sad and helpless what can you do when you have no one to turn to. I close my eyes, get some sleep, silent tears no longer weep,feel like nobody has to know an eternal slumber i will go... eyelids heavy drift away to a hopeful bright and newer place... How lost I was, when I found out the outcome of my chosen route,
my minds racing, so constantly I hardly have time to breathe... who knew the choice to just give up would lead to a neverending depression.
I have been feeling very lonely for a while now. No friends, no family, no one who truly understands me. No one cares about me and i start questioning my purpose to life. Life at the moment is very boring and meaningless. I find out that i can always be replaced and forgotten by others. So this is a battle i already gave up. I even count it as a blessing so I don’t have to think about how to die. Today, I thought to myself, what’s the point of making things messy? I will die sooner or later anyways…
It does suck to be stuck in between anticipating death and death itself I must say. You see the world in a totally different perspective and the harsh reality of hunam nature. Be prepared, find inner peace, let everything go. People used to matter to me but not anymore. It’s because I realized that I never mattered to them. I’m waiting for my eternal sleep and next life.
The importance of silence. The sin of noise. Contemplate.
The thought of death sometimes gives me this warm tingly feeling inside. The thought of never having to worry about my life, or about what I am going to do with my life gives me a high. I still have so much to do still. I walk away and remember that this is the only life I have and will ever have. I walk away and get into bed, I look at the walls with pictures of my friends I smile a little inside and I reach into my nightstand and close my eyes and go to sleep and hope tomorrow I wont get such a good feeling when I think about death.
People who are "healthy" trying to make you feel better its pretty annoying... whenever my friends or family is trying to make me feel better, seeing that im in a pretty bad shape they just say something like: oh think of someone who is worse off than you... I mean, I get it ok? there’s always going to be someone who’s in a worse situation than me but here’s the thing about when you say that thinking about all that, the people who are close to me with cancer, starving, hurting…. well sometimes i cant deal with it it just makes me more depressed also i know they probably don´t mean this but it just feels like they’re trying to say my life is fine and that none of it is fucked up!!! trust me, the last thing i want is sympathy, but it just feels like no one really understands exactly what IM going through, which is true, no one else in this whole fucked up world is going through the same exact thing i am going through and that makes it really hard to open up to anyone.
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