Runaway ...

Lately, I’ve been trying to determine if I was born broken or if my life made me this way.

I mean, I can go down the list of my life experiences and lay out a path of the things that seem to have lead up to the way I am now. But, might not a better person, with better DNA or a better soul or whatever you believe to be at the core of us, have reacted differently to the same kind of life. Maybe I’m just not meant to be well, or worthy or happy.

I can’t sleep much at all anymore. My mind just races and races, and I can’t breathe.

I Love my parents and I try to believe that they Loved me.  I’ve never been successful in relationships because I think I don’t have anything to offer anyone. Although I am a good friend I just need people to remind me that.

I have people around me who tell me that I shouldn’t give up, but no one can really tell me why. They can’t point to a single reason or  tell me what the point of sticking around and fighting back would be. These friends of mine are attractive, intelligent and talented. They have people in their lives. They get to have sex. They get to go out and have fun and not be laughed at. They don’t actually understand the terrible, painful ordeal that my life is right now. They don’t grasp the idea that there’s nothing good waiting at the finish-line of fixing my problems. I’ll still be me, and “me” isn’t something that’s sufficient, in my case.

I want to rest, I am exhausted but I’m afraid because I don’t know if what I’m feeling is right. I’m always wrong about everything, so I’m probably wrong about this too. I just know that nothing ever works out for me and that anything I try at, I fail at.

I am still trying to cope with life when all-in-all I really cease to see the point anymore. All my life i’ve been strong as I can... but sometimes my best is never good enough.

Since yesterday I just want to runaway. Honestly, that’s my only hope for staying alive right now; but I don’t have the means. If I had somewhere to go, I would… and I would do anything, ANYTHING for the opportunity… but once again I am stuck… lost and hopeless…