I Will Never Be the Same ....

My Dad died and since then I know I will never be the same.

I will never be the same . . . as I was before. My Dad took my soul with him, a piece that will never return. I am incomplete without him. 

I will never be the same . . . as someone who hasn’t lost a parent. One of the hardest things about losing a parent is feeling that nobody understands. Even worse is feeling different and seeing those differences every day. It hurts, it’s lonely, and there are some days you’d do almost anything to be the same . . . as you were... People can't say you were never here for me 'cause you were here my whole life, when I needed you in my heart you would be.... You taught me things like how to grow...

you taught me never to let go...

I had never before experienced this kind of loss. I have lost my grandmother when I was 10 years old and the pain was terrible back on the time ... but that comes remotely close to the loss of my daddy. I knew it would be hard when it happened. I just didn’t realize it would feel this… I’ve always known that a large part of my self-identity was linked to my father. He has been such a huge influence in my life. Losing him has been like having the very foundations of my identity experience a serious messy situation ... like an hurricane ...

My dad was ill. He knew and we knew he’d die eventually. None of that makes any of this any easier. He was my confidante and main supporter. I could tell him anything. I discussed my problems with him and he gave me advice. When I did something interesting, I wanted him to be the first person to know about it. 

The hurt is the same ... nooooo some days the pain is stronger it makes me sick and weak ... I can’t stand this much longer ... I locked myself in a box...  I’m thinking, I’m 40 years old, many people loose a parent in their 30’s or 20’s, and some when they are teens or just kids. What right do I have to feel so bad, these other people had their parents around for a much less time. 

Daddy, it's been a week.... STILL miss you a lot.... I think I'll see you again in a short while. 

PS: I am so proud of you dad brave and strong to the end ....