My “What if?” turned into “Should I?”. Then that “Should I?” turned into “When should I?”. Soon after that, “When should I?” turned into “How should I?”. It all starts with one thought. That one thought drew in so much pain.
Then your feelings start to become dangerous. But you don’t want anyone to know, right? So you lie. You lie about your feelings. You lie behind your smile. You lie to yourself. All we want is to be happy. Sometimes we can’t remember the last time we were happy. Sometimes the last time we were happy drives in how everything went wrong after that. It only takes one thought.
Sometimes being strong is all you got.
I realized that I’m not really good at anything besides listening to people. I’ve always wanted to become a writer, photographer, artist, music maker. I think I’m not good at any of those things. Anything really, besides listening to people. Having that be my career… Listening to people but once again; no one listening to me,
It hurts me . It seems stupid but it does.Now don’t get me wrong, I love helping people… I just wanted to do something else.
I try hard for others going through their pain and I tell them to keep strong, just to hold on but look at me! I can’t even listen to myself! I can’t even hold on, It’s like everything I once had just appears so distant now. Everything I’ve ever wanted in life has suddenly stopped being what I want. Now, I’ll I want is to stop this pain…..
I see very little hope in life. I have a PhD, I make decent money, I like my job — but I have nobody to love hmmm share this with honestly. What am I doing wrong? I am a nice person. I tell the truth. I am not mean. I try to look nice. I am kind to people. I try to be good.
Day, after day, after day my feeling of guilt is stronger, and I am weaker… now I wanna stop being like this... Or should I do the opposite…? Maybe should I stop lying, and saying , that everything is OK, and I’m fine, and start telling people the truth… ? No…
No, they don’t care. Nobody cares ... I don’t wanna torture people and telling them how fucking bad I feel… But the only thing I want is someone who will really care about me. Someone, who will hug me and tell me I’m important and… uh… it’s not gonna happen… never. But I’m really trying…now I just would like to say everybody “I’m sorry” and… leave…
Hopelessness… I hate to say it but I’ve heard it from so many sources. Just be happy! Maybe there’s something horribly wrong with me but I can’t push myself to be happy. I should be though-from the outside my life kind of seems pretty fucking OK... hmmm sometimes. Nowadays I feel guilty and anxious because I can’t bring myself to enjoy it. It’s there, right in front of me but forcing myself to be happy?
It’s easy to tell people to be happy when you don’t suffer ... It’s easy to see things in black and white when you’re not so fucked up you cry suddenly, while doing the dishes, for no apparent reason.
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