Exhausted....

I am exhausted personally, and I have exhausted all avenues for help. I’m so exhausted I don’t even have the energy to cry anymore. I’m now just waiting ... If only I could sleep for a very, very long time and forget all this.

It’s been a bad week, and today really tonight is even worse. I’m taking ALL the medications again and the fucking morphine even that I am in pain constantly. I can barely get out of bed in the mornings due to every bone and muscle in my body being sore. I ache from head to toe. Of course, that makes me worry more. I worry that every little pain is something more than it should be. I worry most of all about shooting pains in my head. I have this one spot that aches off and on, that feels like my scalp is too tight or pulling in one little spot. Same spot all the time. I worry that it might be a cancer cell that spread to all the brain. Cells in the brain cause you to die very fast... Sometimes, at night, my heart will beat very hard for a few minutes, like it’s really struggling, and I worry that the cells have metastasized to my heart. I also have this little cough now, just when I lay down.

I hurt all over all the time. The pain feels like it comes from the bones. I essentially hurt from the inside out. It’s like my bones are causing the pain. It hurts so deep inside the bone areas and seems to radiate out. On top of the pain, I am still everywhere. All my joints hurt, too. I’ve always had a very high pain tolerance. I’m allergic to everything now. I can deal with the pain. I hate it, but I manage to survive it. If I had to endure this type of pain from now on, I could keep going despite it.

All I want from life now is a little warning before I am too sick to control my circumstances, so I can die with dignity...