No Expectations, No Disappointments

No Expectations, No Disappointments

Expectations are like fairy tales and myths; they are alluring but ultimately leave us disillusioned and disappointed, which are the fore-bearers of suffering.

I've been having doubts and insecurities about my faith since my dad got sick. I feel as if I need something more tangible, something I can see, touch and most at all understand. These questions came when I started to experience my dad´s suffer... the pain he was suffering.  Why does God allow suffering?

I tried to put in words so many times how I feel and I think is a mix of anger, bitterness, pain – pain that i never knew existed and that i feel inside my chest, in my heart, real physical pain, doubt, confusion, denial, forgetfulness, acute awarenss of feelings and emotions… dizzy at times, short of breath at times, scared at times, not sleeping, not eating…

And above all else wondering, why?  how?  I don’t get it!!! ... why?

The rest of my family say things like “He looks like he had put on a little weight” aren’t words most wives yearn to hear, especially from them.
Why are we some of us so hard on ourselves? Maybe we were raised with sticks, not carrots, and feel the only way we’ll learn is by a swift kick in the pants. Although we’ve heard time and again that in dog training and child rearing, that positive reinforcement is more effective than negative, we may automatically switch into “Bad dog!” mode when we mess up. Also I am the kind of person that hmmm .... ok this describes me ... “You can’t expect yourself to always think before you open your mouth, especially when you have so much going on. You’re only human. We all are.”

Our life dreams the Utopia. Our death achieves the Ideal...