11/27/2014

I feel that I'm  not having the ability to cope anymore with the amount of pain that im feeling. I just can't deal with it anymore. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. Lost. I am at the end of my rope and my coping resources have just run out.
I really want to end it all. Every day is just another reason to die.
The pain I experiencing is like  if your heart has literally been ripped out of you. Breathing is hard, eating is hard, so the thought of doing anything is darned near impossible.
I just can't take this pain anymore. im so so hurt that all this happened. I can't deal with the regret. I can't deal with the guilt. i can't deal with the shame. I just can't deal with the sadness anymore. this is the worst thing i have ever gone through.

Always missing YOU

Daddy, you took care of me like i was your own child. I always made things difficult for you, but you loved me all the same.

I am truly sorry. the day before you died, you called me, you asked for me but they didn't let me go to see you. It's my number one regret that I wasn't able to tell you 'Thank you' and that I love you. After all this time, I still miss you and I hate myself whenever I think of how they treated you. I will never forgive myself. If I could, I would even trade my life for yours. You left behind a daughter with no father, no family.
I hope you forgive me because I didn't realize how were things in the house. All the things you did for me, i am thankful for that. I love you, I really do.

If I had the chance to say one last thing to you, it would be this: "I will always love you. And for the love of God, please give me signs. Because if you're not, that would make the tragedy of you walking away even more unbearable than it already is."

Daddy, thank you for listening. Being able to be share with you and show you my vulnerability has been so important for my development as a woman.

Thank you for accepting me for who I am. Your unconditional support of my gifts and my quirks has supported me in knowing who I truly am. Loving encouragement from you has been the wind beneath my wings.

Thank you for showing me your softer side. I know you are strong and protect me, but I also love when you show me your tears. When you reveal your emotions I feel so special and close to you.

Thank you for being my teacher. You taught me how to ride a bike, throw a ball, open a checking account, and everything about cars, motorcycles, sports.

Thank you for being honest. I look up to you and respect your integrity. And your strong character has inspired me to value and honor myself.

Thank you for being a loving shoulder to cry on when my heart has gotten broken.

Most of all thank you Dad for being you. I know you that you are my Father but you are also a human being, on your own path and learning your own lessons. Even if you have not done all these things, I know in my heart you have been the perfect Father for me for you have taught me the life lessons I need to learn.

No matter what I will always love you.

And no matter how old I am, I will always be your little girl.

Always missing you.

AUCHHHH

I'm sorry for all the pain that you've encountered. 

I'm sorry that no matter what bandaid I put on you, it will always hurt. 

I'm sorry that my mom always makes you skip and jump for no real reason. 

I'm sorry that you wont ever beat the same again.

I'm sorry I wont ever be able to replace.

I'm sorry I cant erase the past, she wont ever change.

Please, my heart, let's heal these wounds.