To my mom

You dont know my pain.....
You don't know why or how often I cry.
I'm not doing this because I'm wanting people to put aside time to feel sorry or anything for me.
I'm not craving attention or special treatment
I'm not trying to get back at those who tested me badly but sadly
I'm doing this for me.
Because
I'm hurt.
Hurt from years of trying my best to hide that, this person in which I am from people who I felt would hate me
hurt from years of putting myself up for randsom
so others would never experience what I'm feeling now
Long ago I had a dream that something or someone had to give in order for me to be free.
" In life, some humans must be sacrificed, some freedoms must be surrendered and sometimes that sacrifice is yourself."
If only you could feel
what Im feeling right now
and after my so constant struggle Im here
Im still wondering how
How life has pushed me to the edge'
pain rocked me back and forth
I had the map all along
I was tempted off my course
So I chose to write a letter
and leave it to those who care
people who have always liked me
those who genuinely care
Im writing one letter and
leaving copies behind
I think I want everyone to understand my struggle in time
it was hard and I thought that i knew what to do
but i cant get it together
i feel Im finally through
So Im sitting here with 10 bottles of pills
crying heavily with a slight smile
and my body is in chills
I remember I tried to please you
and in the process I lost myself
I gave everyone everything i had
And now I have nothing left
I know when they find me
there's gonna be so many tears
now they will know how I've been feeling for so many years
Some of you will never get it
but this pain is for real and if I could make it better I would
but this hurt is so real
This isnt new to me
it didn't just cloud me now
the only friend I have don't even care
see, this didnt start bothering me now
Guys I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy
I tried I promised I did
but my emotions have won this fight
my life has own total darkness
Im happy I've found my light
This isnt about sexuality
or where Id rather be or about the wants and the needs
the dual sexes I tried to please
the struggle, the success
the hard times nevertheless
but its about me...
I wanted to live for me............

NAMASTE

Si te amo,

no te amo por tus ojos inmensos.

Te amo, por tus silencios,

que me recuerdan de donde vengo

y a donde voy.

Si te amo,

no te amo porque me  pertenezcas.

Te amo porque vienes libre,

por los caminos de la vida.

Si te amo,

no te amo por un papel escrito.

Te amo por el misterio que me une a ti.

Si te amo,

no te amo en un cotidiano gris.

Te amo es un instante, que se hace infinito.

Si te amo,

necesito el aire que besa tus labios.

Si te amo,

mi vida recorre tus venas, como un caballo sin riendas.

Si te amo,

me pierdo en ti, y me encuentro en tu centro.

Si te amo,

es que no amo los equinoccios de mi mente,

que a solas me poseen y me devoran.

Si te amo,

la locura que envenena mi mente,

se disipa entre tus rizos.

Si te amo,

amo los cielos, y mis sueños tocan el paraíso.

Si te amo, y me amas,

escalo por tu cuerpo y bajo a lo más profundo de ti.

Si te amo, y me amas,

acaricio tus curvas y beso cada centímetro de tu piel.

Si te amo,

No te amo, en un soliloquio de café y postre de manzana.

Te amo intensamente en un frenesí.

Si te amo,

No te amo en un imposible.

Te amo, como un regalo de Dios.

Si te amo,

No te comprendo. No me entiendo.

No encuentro preguntas. Todas las respuestas son tú.

Si te amo,

amo la lluvia, cuando recorre tu rostro de perfil.

Si te amo,

es que nunca amanece.

Shhhhhh

Permite que el silencio te hable; 

permite luego que el silencio hable por tí. 

Y permite, finalmente, que el silencio 

sea nada más que silencio:

la verdadera voz de tu naturaleza original.

You

https://soundcloud.com/torn52/dj-clau  

Emptiness

Yes my room feels empty... Emptiness is not bad... 

Three common misunderstandings of emptiness: emotional, ethical and meditative.

Emotional

When we say “I feel empty,” we mean we are feeling sad or depressed. Emotionally speaking, “emptiness” is not a happy word in English, and no matter how often we remind ourselves that Buddhist emptiness does not mean loneliness or separateness, that emotional undertow remains. At various times I have looked for a substitute translation for the Sanskrit sunyata — I have tried “fullness,” “spaciousness,” “connectedness,” and “boundlessness” — but as Ari Goldfield points out, “emptiness” is the most exact translation. “Emptiness” is also the term that my own teacher Shunryu Suzuki used, though he usually added context. Once, speaking of emptiness he said, “I do not mean voidness. There is something, but that something is something which is always prepared for taking some particular form.” Another time, speaking of the feeling tone of emptiness, he said, “Emptiness is like being at your mother’s bosom and she will take care of you.”

Ethical

Some Buddhist students rationalize or excuse bad behavior of their teacher by asserting that through his understanding of emptiness the teacher is exempt from the usual rules of conduct. One student said, “Roshi lives in the absolute so his behavior can’t be judged by ordinary standards.” While it is true that Buddhist teachers sometimes use unusual methods to awaken their students, their motivation must come from compassion, not selfishness. No behavior that causes harm is acceptable for a Buddhist practitioner, teacher or otherwise.

Meditative

Some Buddhist students think that a meditative state without thought or activity is the realization of emptiness. While such a state is well described in Buddhist meditation texts, it is treated like all mental states — temporary and not ultimately conducive to liberation. Actually emptiness is not a state of mind at all; it is, as the Dalai Lama says, simply “the true nature of things and events.” This includes the mind. Whether the mind of the meditator is full of thoughts or empty of them, this true nature holds.

Finally, since emptiness seems so difficult to understand, why did the Buddha teach it at all? It is because of his profound insight into why we suffer. Ultimately we suffer because we grasp after things thinking they are fixed, substantial, real and capable of being possessed by ego. It is only when we can see through this illusion and open ourselves, in Ari Goldfield’s words, “to the reality of flux and fluidity that is ultimately ungraspable and inconceivable” that we can relax into clarity, compassion and courage. That lofty goal is what makes the effort to understand emptiness so worthwhile.

Gratitude ... V

I want to let you know that I love you, and I have learned a lot from this "relationship". I promise you that I will do my best to make you feel loved and secure, even though there are a lot of miles between us.

Thank you for making my life so much more meaningful and giving me this chance to tell you what love means to me. 

Now is the hardest part for me to do. I have to say goodbye... I love you with my heart and soul and I want you to know that I will really miss you. 

 It is impossible to rid myself of all my feelings, of all this sorrow that weighs down on me like bricks sinking to the ocean’s sandy bottom. I see myself floating in the great abyss of anguish and it is all I can do to keep from drowning. Maybe I should stop trying to stay afloat. Maybe I should let the current of regret and memories wash me away.

Before you go, let me remind you of that you are leaving behind a girl with the ability and the desire to love you unconditionally. A girl who will never question her feelings, who will do and has done everything for you that’s humanly possible.

I sleep alone like I used to sleep before I met you. I forgot how lonely it was to wake up with no one there. I got so used to waking up to that sleeping face of an angel that now it haunts my dreams. In these dreams you are mine and no one else’s. 

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on the unsuspecting.

The memories of our happiness fade with each rainy day of solitude I endure. My love is steadfast. It is forever and because of this, it is deeply hideous. 

Life challenged us to deal with this to learn from each other and as everything in life, to take the best from it. I’ve learned so much of you and I’m grateful for having met you. You shined my life at different levels. You created such beautiful and wonderful feelings on me! You supported me and encouraged me so much, more than I did by myself. Grateful for having made us crossed in this life path.

Just remember you’re here to be happy, to love and to be loved with heart and soul baby. You deserve the best and I wish you get it at every level. Never accept less than what you deserve. Take everything that is not making you happy away from you, you won’t regret it. It might be painful but it’s necessary.

Please, take care of yourself. Don’t worry about replying if you’re going to say good bye or that you respect my decision, I appreciate that but please, don’t say it. Believe it or not your words will hurt, they’re hurting already. I know it baby, no worries. I’d wish to have met you in another life where I could love you as I dream to.

Always going to be you....

Why?

Love… it comes with the highest cost…pain. 

To love means to hurt, to feel sorrow and the constant struggle 

It attacks from every angle, feigning for tears and heartache. 

Fools fall in love, for they willingly submit themselves to despair, 

Why do we love? 
Why do we choose to believe in something that mocks every emotion? 
Is it fear itself, or human nature, survival instinct? 
Will science discover the reasoning for such insanity?  
Of all the worlds’ mysteries, love remains unsolved. 

I am in love, 
I am in pain, 
I have drained all hope 
Diminished all optimism for love, 
to drown in my own tears, alone 

Why do we love, more importantly…why do I? 
Am I scared to be alone, or am I trapped in sick game destined for failure? 
Do I enjoy pain, the taste of the salt on my tears. 
Or simply is it the desire to feel something magical. 

I am lost, I am alone 
I feel as if every gesture is unwanted, unnoticed 
My sadness consumes me, yet… 
I persist, I keep trying, 
To control the very demon that steals life from my beating heart, 
Love, is the devils’ game, and I am but a slave to its trickery.

Lonely

Lonely is not being alone, it's the feeling that no one cares.

April 25

Sometimes your ceiling is your best friend.

INVISIBLE