SAD .... LOST

I just don't even know where to begin with this really.  I just feel ultra lost in life and confused but most of all just terrified and I have long ago lost all motivation and any sense of hope or enjoyment in life.  I feel I have lost all direction and my life feels completely out of my control.  I am just existing and going along with whatever happens to me like a rag doll.  I feel helpless in life like a child who is scared and has lost its mother - just so terrified.  I am deeply embarrassed by this.  I feel no sense of self worth, my confidence and self esteem is at its lowest ever .... life has passed me by and almost all of this time has been as a pathetic and hopeless case.

I have always been exceptionally sensitive and I always feel that I was not meant to be on this earth because somebody as weak as me just cannot survive here without self destructing or being destroyed by life's reality.  I feel deeply ashamed of myself and my anxiety and depression.  Completely pathetic and useless as a human being even though deep inside I also feel such a sense of sadness for myself like part of me still wants to reach deep and give me a big hug and save myself but I keep failing at this.  I imagine I would excel in another type of land or in another world where I am just able to be in peace and the way I am and be left alone.

I have tried within my very limitied mental means to pull myself out by attempting life changes in the past but have been crippled by my own anxieties and fears and these attempts have ultimately ended in the same patterns of failure.  I lack any sense of ability or life resources, no sense of strength and I am aimless in life - feeling as helpless as if I were a newborn.  I do not see the meaning or point in anything and feel it so diffiult to think of anything that would make me want to see a glimmer of light and really try again.  Been there, done that before.  Already too tired.   I feel like I want a parent figure to come guide me step by step and pull me out from this hole.

I feel guilty to myself and to the world for being this way.  The only way my stupid dreamy mind sometimes justifies it is to pretend I am a fairy from another world who was made perfectly but has come to an imperfect world and cannot hack it because it's too far from my own world.  And I imagine this particular thought in a sane way, not an insane way ... I realise I am not really this person but this is the best way I am able to get any comfort in how I feel in this life.