soul....

But darling...

11/27/2018

“When you have a good heart: You help too much. You trust too much. You give too much. You love too much. And it always seems you hurt the most.”

Sia - I'm Still Here (Official Music Video)

I'm Still Here

I'm fighting a battle

I'm fighting my shadow

Herd fears like they're cattle

I'm fighting a battle, yeah

I'm fighting my ego

Lost youth, where did we go wrong?

I'm fighting for me, though

I'm lighting the long way home

Oh, the past it haunted me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past it haunted me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

But the battle was lost

'Cause I'm still here

I'm winning the war now

I'm winning it all now

Watch tears while they fall down

I'm winning the war now

I win against ego

Cast light on the shadow's long

I'm winning from ego

I'm lighting the long way home

Oh, the past it haunted me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past it haunted me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

But the battle was lost

'Cause I'm still here

it's hauntin' me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past, it's hauntin' me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past it's hauntin' me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

But the battle was lost

'Cause I'm still here

I'm fighting my ego

Lost youth, where did we go wrong?

I'm winning for me, though

I'm lighting the long way home

Oh, the past it haunted me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past it haunted me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

But the battle was lost

'Cause I'm still here

Dad Nov, 21

You have been my strongest provider, you did not only bring me to the world but you loved me and nurture me, I owe you a lot, but death couldn’t allow me pay it all. I miss you so much.

You will always be my King, My first source of happiness, the man who loved me regardless of all my flaws. I love you forever, My everlasting love. 

Daddy you are my biggest support when life seems unfair, you are my greatest gift and I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. I miss your presence so much father.

Daddy your absence is felt and no one is able to take that your special space in my life. To be me you are the world best father.

Your legacy remains a blessing to the people you left and your warmest hug is what we can never forget. I hope you are in a better place. I miss you father.

Your place can’t be taken in my heart and the special love I have for you can’t taken by anyone else. You remain my first life hero and blessing. I miss you father. I hope you are in a better place.

You taught me how to walk, talk and even taught me every other life lesson. I wish you are here to see me exploit in life. You are truly missed father.

I remember how we laugh over petty things and how your not so funny jokes often makes me laugh out my ribs and how lovely you were. These are the memories that kept me going. I miss you deeply father.

I wish time can be controlled, I will have pause the time just to be by your side till eternity father. No one can be like you dad.

I know even if you are not in this world to protect me, you are right in heaven serving as my guardian angel. I can feel your presence in my life every day.

I remember your last moment on earth, you were warm and so calm even at the point of death, you remain the peaceful kind of person you are. You are a rare gem. 

You absent is felt and I couldn’t have imagine you leaving us this early and now I only have your memories to sustain myself.

I know you are up there, preparing a home for me and you. I can’t wait for the day we will meet again all smiled up.... I feel that will be soon.

You are my first life inspiration, you taught me how to be strong and how to fight every battles life bring towards me and I can not imagine my life, if you are not my father.

I will go to see you again to tell you how much I love you and how deeply sorry I am for the damaged that they caused you and I didn't know.  

My friends, the strangers...

Have you strangely noticed that in many cases, it is the “strangers” or the ones you haven’t met in person who often seem to support you in what you’re doing more than the ones you’ve met or have known for a long time?

Believe it or not, the fact of the matter is that strangers will support you more than the people you know.

"Don’t expect external support when you're struggling because that support needs to come from within"

Very few people will support you in the beginning because you have yet to prove yourself worthy of supporting. However, use those same critiques and lack of support from others as fuel and motivation to prove them ALL WRONG. So, don’t worry too much if your family and friends don’t support you.

There is NEVER anything wrong with doing whatever it is you need to do or feel you want to do to improve your life in whatever way you see fit.

The main thing I learned when friends disappoint is, a lot of times, they weren’t really good friends to begin with. Now, I am fully aware of those who support me and those who just observe me. As I progress, I pay less attention to those who watch and criticize, and pay more attention to those people who actually matter.

Three Great Acoustic by Chester Bennington

"It is sad to think that he helped 1000s of people but no one could save him..."SAME HERE Mother#### At least we choose helping people in need before we die....It is more real and yes his compassion to help others while you are in so much pain!!!I just pray to God so I can meet you again, so we just rock the place and without the fucking pain....

Feeling empty.

   

Lately, I've been walking around in a haze.

I didn't do much this past weekend. My laundry was left to pile up, work was forgotten, and if I had plans they would have been canceled. Actually, to be completely honest, I haven't done much of anything since I got here. There's an anxious pulsing in my chest that hasn't left me since I got in the car. It's like someone snuck into my room one night, replaced my brain with cotton balls, and swapped my bones for lead pipes.

It's not the first time, so, maybe I should have seen it coming. It happens sometimes. I'll fluctuate between a state where everything moves me and hardly feeling anything. I'm not sure what caused it this time — if it was the sudden change in scenery, a guttural reaction to anticipated stress — but I'm becoming numb again.

Maybe I'm not describing it quite right, but it's as if there is a wall between myself and I. Something needs to escape my chest, but I don't know what, and even after all these years I'm not sure how to help it. The more I grow used to this place and this feeling (by which I mean the world and my changing condition, respectively), the more I realize how little there is I can do but go through the motions and wait for it to pass.

Still, I am trying to figure it out.

All I know is that I should feel lonely, but I don't. I should feel a lot more than cloudy, but I don't.

I've been thinking about everything and nothing. I find myself stuck in an uncomfortable place where my mind is both overcrowded and empty. My body feels heavier than it should. I long for sleep if only to pass the time, but my mind won't turn off for long enough. And, really, that's the worst part of it: I can't stop thinking, but I couldn't tell you what about.

I'm not sure how to end this, because there's not a resolution I've found. I don't have any advice for anyone feeling this way, either but I wanted to write about it anyway. The only thing I am sure about is that it will pass. I suppose that is my advice, my concluding statement if you will: be patient.

Broken

The Illusion of love

Love is this  illusion fed to me while I was growing up and I believed in it and now I am broken, down while I achieve the point of being vacant within. It's like Santa Claus or the Easter bunny. It's a lie, eventually I'll just die alone.  

I cannot even cry

And I'm stuck in a fucking up loop of pain and numbness and an empty void asking why.

I climb into my bed  and I'm screaming death inside my head.

In that instant before I die, I think "Shit I need help, I don't know what the fuck I am doing here, but I have to have a bigger purpose."

Too late, I asked for help, for affection, for a fucking hug ... NO FUCKING ANSWER!

EMPTY!!!

Have you ever held in pain to the point where it seemed like you didn't care? 

You could've sworn you were crying, 

But when you went to wipe tears away there was nothing there? 

Going through life empty,

Just letting the world pass you by. 

Numb to any feelings, 

Just wishing you could die. 

See I feel like this daily. 

So lost I don't know what to feel. 

When in fact I do feel pain, I can't believe that it's real. 

So as I lay my head down tonight, 

I close my eyes and pray. 

I pray that God will give me guidance and to maybe feel some day.

Chester...

"I've given up, I'm suffocating"

The air I breathe keeps burning in my lungs

Hatred fills the world and all those in it

Death seems like the only option

I'm hanging by a thread already, hanging myself doesn't seem much different

“I’ve become so numb”

My body is overcome with so much strain

Holding on to ward off all the pain

I have no feeling in my hands from clenching my fists so hard

Trying to fight back the ones who comment so negatively

My phony friends who pretend to have my back and proceed to stab me in it

A family that wants me to change everything I am

My knees feel week upon standing to defend myself and my fading dignity

“Why is everything so heavy?”

My heart, my eyes, the crosses I bear

Everyday, I feel “my walls are closing in”

Like there’s nowhere to escape the agony

The demons keep “crawling in my skin”

Yet they still remain through my deafening screams

It’s so damn hard to impress the world

And be true to myself at the same time

“All I wanna do is trade this life for something new”

One where I feel at ease without this constant anxiety

“I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong”

Somewhere I can be myself without facing criticism

Or feel like I have to paint on a brave face every single day

But I’m sick of tired of putting up a fight

And therefore “I’m breaking the habit tonight”

It’s not entirely over yet, there’s still a chance to save me from myself

While I’m “waiting for the end to come”, someone can come sit and talk to me

Ask me how I’m doing, provide a listening ear

Hold me through my shaking in fear

I need a confidant who will listen to me and walk me through this bloody hell

“It starts with one”

Giving .... kindness

Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a 'hot mess' or having 'too many issues' are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.

Help others without any reason and give Without the expectation of receiving anything in return. You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. We make a living by what we get.

Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into the places of pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion, and anguish. Compassion challenges us to cry out with those in misery, to mourn with those who are lonely, to weep with those in tears. Compassion requires us to be weak with the weak, vulnerable with the vulnerable, and powerless with the powerless. Compassion means full immersion in the condition of being human.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.

Look around you. Who or what is suffering? What needs to change? Where can you make a difference?

Compassionate action right where you are, is how we change the world.

And, never forget this: Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. Always be kind...

Not afraid of the dark I’m afraid of not finding the light

Not afraid of the dark I’m afraid of not finding the light

I got a thing for dark souls.people with fucked up lives just like mine.See we dont know how to love but we'll teach each other.Society cant handle us so we'll place our burdens on one and other.People like you people like me poeple who saw the world differently See we are the darkest lights capable of reaching sunlight but we are too scared to leave the shadow in fear that they'll Deem us unreedeemable lost in our own darkness A outcast chosen to forver be left alone but we can stiil close our eyes and open our arms wide and find each otherBecause we are the darkest lights capable of reaching sunlight But we are just too damn scared to leave the shadows...

GRIEVING

“…death is not waiting for us at the end of a long road. death is always with us, in the marrow of every passing moment. She is the secret teacher hiding in plain sight, helping us to discover what matters most.”  ~ Frank Ostaseski

After my dad died, everyone seemed to avoid being with me.

Sure, I got plenty of text messages, cards, flowers, hugs, and “I’m so sorry”s. A few people called, and some came round with food. And I appreciated every single one of these things.

But, years later, I finally understand why I didn’t get the one thing I really neededwhen I was grieving: a witness.

Someone to just be with me. To sit there and let me cry without wanting to escape. To listen to me talk about him, and his death itself, without trying to distract or lead me to a happier, more comfortable space.

I needed someone to simplyallow me to grieve, and to be there for me—fully there for me—as I did. To let me turn over and play with that smooth, heavy stone in my heart, again and again, until I could really understand it and figure out how to live with it, because it never does go away.

Avoidance of grief comes easily to us in the West, as a culture that doesn’t generally talk about death. In fact, we avoid the hell out of it, so have almost no idea how to cope with the reality of death, and the grief it brings.

So, our impulse is to make it better, to fix it, to dress it up in a way that seems more bearable, and avert our collective gaze toward something more cheerful.

We are death phobic. We simply don’t know how to answer the question, “Who am I in the face of grief, death, and dying?”

The thing is, how we react to someone else’s loss and grief comes directly out of our own response to this question. And if we are ever going to learn how to give each other what we all really need when we are grieving, we have to figure out our answer.

We can start being fully present enough to witness, and to honor, the ultimate and most liberating truth of life: death.

Gone!!!

When I’m gone and the minutes turn into hours, and the hours turn into days, the heaviness inside your heart may seem too much to bear.

I am sorry I had to go, but my body just couldn’t do it anymore. Life will be different when I’m gone; you won’t like it and you may want to fight it. You will want to scream out loud in agony, but when you pick yourself back up off the floor, like I expect you to, remember that love. Let that love emanate through your body. I am there, our love is there, I am just gone from sight.

Life will be different when I’m gone; you won’t like it and you may want to fight it. You will want to scream out loud in agony, but when you pick yourself back up off the floor, like I expect you to, remember that love. Let that love emanate through your body. I am there, our love is there, I am just gone from sight.

You all are aware that I always had high expectations of myself and I have even higher expectations of you now that I am gone. When every cell in your being wants to give up and wallow because the sadness and pain are unbearable, I want you to take some time and allow yourself that, but then I need you to put two feet on the ground for me. When you cannot do it for yourself, do it for me. I no longer have that privilege.

Most importantly, I need you all to live your lives with strength and love…two qualities that I showed as I lived my life. I need you all to live boldly, with passion and determination. I expect you to love with everything inside of your soul, unapologetically. Love is all we have to give of ourselves, and love is what is going to carry you through this unbearable pain. So when I am gone, love big, love fully with every piece of your heart, and don’t leave anything ever left unsaid.

Speak my name often, tell my story, and teach everyone who comes into your path. Close your eyes and open your spirit and you will feel me beside you…guiding you every step of the way. You all gave me the best life a girl could ask for.

Cada vez que me miras, nazco en tus ojos.

Pasé mi vida mirando al interior de los ojos de la gente, es el único lugar del cuerpo donde tal vez exista un alma.

Si sabes cómo utilizarlas, las palabras, pueden tanto.

Si sabes cómo usarlos, los ojos, pueden todo.

Tal vez no tengamos nada más que decirnos, pero trae tus ojos, yo llevaré los míos, ambos pensarán en ello.

Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper - Shallow (A Star Is Born)

"Shallow"

(from "A Star Is Born" soundtrack)

Tell me somethin' girl

Are you happy in this modern world?

Or do you need more?

Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?

I'm falling

In all the good times I find myself longin' for change

And in the bad times I fear myself

Tell me something boy

Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?

Or do you need more?

Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?

I'm falling

In all the good times I find myself longing for change

And in the bad times I fear myself

I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in

I'll never meet the ground

Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us

We're far from the shallow now

In the shallow, shallow

In the shallow, shallow

In the shallow, shallow

We're far from the shallow now

[Lady Gaga:]

Wooaaaah

Woaaaaaaaaaaah

I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in

I'll never meet the ground

Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us

We're far from the shallow now

[Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper:]

In the shallow, shallow

In the shallow, shallow

In the shallow, shallow

We're far from the shallow now

Shane... I TRUST YOU WITH MY SOUL AND HEART!!!!!

YOU are the only person I can trust; the one who will make me laugh and show me that I will never be alone.

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter the reason. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.

I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I trash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was but right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. 

I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you  just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.

This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others. 

And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.

Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.

Can't do it anymore!!!!

Hey you! You’re the person who everyone sees as having their life together. Everyone comes to you with all their problems and tells you how you give the best advice. But no one ever seems to care about how you are doing. Even when they ask the cliche line “How are you?” You respond with “I’m alright” or “I’m okay” and they don’t respond anymore or just ignore your response and start talking about something else. You’re the person who puts everyone else’s happiness before your own, and you question why because when does anyone ever do that for you. And sometimes you feel like you just can’t do it anymore.

When I say can’t do it anymore, I’m not talking about being suicidal, I’m talking about feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally dead, to the point where you can just lay in bed for hours staring at the ceiling not realizing the time that has gone by. You have no motivation to do anything. Then you eventually just isolate yourself from everyone, even your closest friends. It’s not the feeling that you can’t do it anymore that gets you, it’s all the other stuff that comes with it. It’s the feeling of being left out, lonely, uncared for, overwhelmed, and so much more. But most of all you feel lost. Sometimes you just cry, and the worst part about it, you don't know why, you're jsut sad. Sure you have friends and family you can go to, but you question whether they even care about you at times. You try so hard to help and please everyone but no matter what you do, it never seems to be good enough for anyone. Sometimes you just can't get it right, or at least it seems that way. Which is okay because you realize everyone makes mistakes, but yours just seems to be huge ones that affect friendships or life choices rather than small ones that don't have any affect on you. Or it seems that way. On top of everything though, you just feel like something is missing, but you have no idea what it could be.

Every day is hard for you to get up out of bed, let alone to put on a smile and act like everything in your life is perfect, but it’s not, it feels like everything is crashing down on you all at once. And the worst part, it just seems like everything keeps getting worse and worse and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But there is, as hard as it is to believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You just have to keep going. Keep faking that smile, helping others, and doing your everyday best. Keep fighting. You may feel like you’re dying, but it will be okay. Have something to fight for. Whether it’s your future, your goals, your friends, family members, pets, or whatever it might be. Keep being the good person you are towards others because eventually someone will notice and appreciate your kindness, you will see the light, and not only wonder why you felt that way before, but you will feel full and have everything you have ever dreamed of. Even though you feel physical, mentally, and emotionally dead now, just remember there is more to life than this feeling and eventually, you will see the light, sometimes when you at least expect it.

Dua Lipa feat. Pablo Alborán - Homesick (Los 40 Music Awards - Directo)

You give me a reason

Something to believe in

I know, I know, I know

You give me a meaning

Something I can breathe in

I know, I know, I know

It's a bittersweet feeling

Longing and I'm leaving

I go, I go, I go

Tell my heart to lie

But I know deep inside it's true

That I wish I was there with you

That I wish I was there with you

Oh, I wish I was there with you....