One more year gone. 2017 hmmm Lots of ups, a few downs, and much learned.
When I think about being 46, I accept that even in the best case scenario I’m probably half way done with my time on this planet. I’m happy with my physical self – I’m probably in the best shape I’ve been in since I was in my early 20’s :o)... Sarcasm đđ
As I get older, this becomes more and more important to me - that I become at peace with myself and who I am and understand how God can use even me. I am just now becoming accepting of myself. I spent years fighting who I was and lamenting "me"- always wanting to be something I am not - longing to be more beautiful, more talented, quieter, less sensitive, whatever!!!
I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I get to spend almost all of my time with people who I want to spend time with. I’ve been able to do this while figuring out how to engage with lots of new, interesting people all the time. I’m going to work even harder at this at 46 – more great people, no assholes.
So my resolution for 2018 is continue spending almost all of my time with people who I want to spend time with. And today I will stop to thank God that I am loved. I will stop and remember that I AM special, no matter what others tell me.
It sucks when you're being ignored by the only person you want attention from. It hurts getting absolutely no love from the only person you're in love with. It's sad when you get no conversation from the only one you want to talk to.
I always get irrationally angry when people post pictures on Facebook with captions like, "A Mother's Love is Forever," and "Nothing Is Stronger Than The Bond Between Mother and Child."
What a bunch of bullshit. When my dad died the rest of my family abandoned me and walked out of my life years ago, and never looked back.
I think it would've been much easier had if they died. It's hard knowing that they are out there, living their life, being mother to my brother.
It's better that she's out of my life. She wasn't good for me, and my life improved significantly once she removed herself from it. Now that she's not in the picture, it's easier to see more objectively just how terrible she really was as a mother to me; my most basic needs went un-met. I'm so much healthier and better off without her in my life.
But, even though intellectually I understand this, not having a mother still stings, and leaves me feeling rejected. I still want a mother.
So how do I deal with it? How does one cope with the loss of a parent not to death, but by parental abandonment?…
The wound gets less raw as the years go on, and I take a lot of comfort in that. In another seven years, maybe it won't hurt at all. Maybe I'll be able to get through a Mother's Day without bitter tears and an all-consuming jealousy of my mothered friends.
Yes, I get so bitterly jealous of my friends who have relationships with their parents, that I start to resent them. And that's so unhealthy. I'm still working on getting over it. Years of therapy have taught me to focus on the positives and try to forget about her.
Maybe what makes me angriest: how much time I've devoted to worrying about her, thinking about her, loving her. It's time that I let go and stop being so angry. I want to turn the page completely, but my thumb and forefinger are still gripping it tightly, unwilling to move on.
This is me letting go. This is me giving the five year old in me a hug and tucking her into a warm, safe bed. This is me learning that I'm content within myself, and that I'm happy for my friends with parents, not resentful. Good for them. I hope they appreciate what they have in their relationships. I hope they know how special that bond is, because my story is proof that there isn't an automatic biological bond that forces the mother to love the child; the parent makes a decision to love the child or not. Mine chose not to, and I feel sorry for her, because I'm a fantastic person who's worthy of love, and she'll never get to see that. She'll miss out on my whole life, and I pity her for it.
That's how you move on when a parent abandons you: You create your own life for yourself, feel sorry for yourself for a minute, then learn to pity your parent, and move on.
The missing parent isn't worth your time or even the energy it takes to miss them. They're pathetic, they're nothing, they're gone. Now's your time to be strong, build yourself up and just let go.
Love is understood, in a historical way, as one of the great human vocations-but its counterspell has always been infidelity. This terrible, terrible betrayal that can tear apart not only another person, not only oneself, but whole families. There is no greater blessing than a family hand that lifts you from a fall; but there is not lower curse than a family hand that strikes you when you're down.
Betrayal, using for selfish interests, backbiting, interest-induced behaviour and judgmental attitude are a part and parcel of the world we live in. No one, no matter how brilliant, beautiful, rich or kind, has been able to escape it.
No one.
If you have changed for the worse due to adversity, then that is an unconscious choice you have made. You can always control your thought and mould your attitude; you could have chosen to keep up your jolliness and not let it be affected by any external factors.
This is all easy to say and hard to do- I will vouch for that. But no one said life is going to be easy.
The point is whether you want to keep your personality at the mercy of others. No one can make you feel what you feel without your permission. It takes time, but you can take the permission away.
You can also mould yourself to reduce your material and emotional needs from people which would automatically translate into lesser betrayals and lesser judgmental attitude.
You can judge every situation based on its importance in the world and your life at large- is it making a difference in the world of 6 billion+ people? Is it going to matter in your 80-odd years of life? Most of the times the answer is going to be no. Then why bother?
You can accept the fact that people are going to come to you for help because you are capable of giving it. You need to figure out a way of balancing the act of giving with not letting yourself being used like a doormat.
You can find things/activities that will keep up your personality to the level you want.
No matter how hard I try to concentrate on other things and sparking, my thoughts keep going back to him.
I have a hole in my heart that only my dad can fill. He was my rock and always will be as I listen to my inner voice recalling his strong assurances that I could do anything I put my mind to.
My dad taught me what unconditional love is. He was not the one to come right out and say "I Love You and he was not the lovey dovey huggy kind of guy BUT he was one to always be there to bail me out of whatever situation I managed to get myself into and he NEVER gave up on me. I was never a secure teenager and loved to party in my young adult years, how he put up with me I will never know.
I am trying my best to keep my promise to take care of myself. How I just wish I had learned more from you . The last few months you tried to cram showing me how to mow the lawn, use the weedwacker, edge the walkway, drain the furnace, replace circuit breakers, and on and on. Oh Dad, I just didn't have enough time to take it all in. so if you are listening dad and reading this could you send an extreme home makeover this way.
The hole in my heart remains and I try to keep it plugged with memories of you,..
The loss of a father Is a heavy burden to bear. He's a source of quiet strength That is so missed when he's not there. Take comfort he's in Heaven, And looking down at you. He'll be there through the coming years, Watching over and guiding you. He's your very own guardian angel, And he'll be with you to the end, When you meet again in Heaven, And your broken heart will finally mend. Nnow that man who loved me, And wrapped me in arms so strong Has gone where I can't reach him, But my love for him lives on. I'll keep his memory alive, and honor all he believed, And just feel so very grateful For all his love that I received.
