To C....

I have so much gratitude for having you in my life ... to infinity and beyond!!! 

You always ask me why I love you and here are a few reasons why I fall in love with you every day ...

Your loyalty to me and everyone or everything that matters to you.  Your compassion for everyone around your life. Your integrity. Your strength. Your devotion. How you are always 100% honest no matter what. Your kindness. The way you always try to help others. How you always stand up for what you believe in. Your generosity. Your confidence. The way that you always look for and find the positive in everything. Your optimism. The fact that you know exactly where you are going in life and will do whatever it takes to get there. Your courage even in the face of adversity. Your boldness. How you are always understanding me even when I don’t deserve it. How much you and I share in common together about everything. How you always can make me laugh or smile even at times when I don’t want to. The fact that you refuse to ever completely grow up. How you are always concerned about me and my well-being. The way you hold me. How much you’ve taught me about life and myself. Your intelligence. Your awesome hair. Your craziness. Your incredible eyes. Your strong hands. Your love of life. The way you walk. The way you talk. Your vast knowledge about everything. The annoying fact that you are right 90+% of the time. The amazing new experiences that I’ve shared for the first time with you and only you. The way you make me feel about myself. How you always tell me and show me everyday how much you love me. How you don’t mind holding my hand or showing me affection even in public. The way you kiss me and touch me. The fact that you were willing to take a chance on me. The way you always encourage and believe in me. Your faithfulness. Your true sense of honor. The fact that you know how to be a real Woman. The fact that I learn new amazing things about you everyday. The way you look at me that makes me melt inside. The love you’ve always shown me.  How much excitement you bring into my life everyday. How you always bring out the best in me. How you never take life for granted. The way you always inspire me. The fact that you are without a doubt my true soul mate. The way that you know how to not take life too seriously and live for the moment. The fact that you are the first and only person I’ve ever loved and the first person who ever truly loved me. How forgiving you are. How you’re not afraid to be a risk-taker. Your incredible big heart. How we always still say or do the exact same thing at the same time. Your extreme patience with me even when I push it to the limit sometimes. Your wisdom. The fact that I know you are my real true soul mate and we were destined to be together. How awesome you have been to my family. 

How cute and adorable you can be. Your determination and conviction and how once you set your mind on something that nobody can change it. How much you know about me now and that you’ve seen both my good sides and bad and that you still love me anyway.....  to be continued...

My little brother....

"Even the most colorful garden appear like a graveyard without you.” You will be always in my heart my little angel 

Darko ....

You are my little brother, my angel, always supporting me and trying to build me a new family with yours... I will never forget when my dad died if someone didn't leave me not even for a second ... was you... And now, what am i gonna do? please keep sending me signs ... I need you Darko

I am ready

I wonder what is in next in my life. You were my life daddy, my everything. We had time to say goodbye but thought we had longer. I am learning to live alone, miss my best friend, my everything. I miss coming home and having someone ... I need help with things and hate to ask others. You were my help, my savior, in all situations...

I wonder where to go from here. It has been almost two years. I am not sure what to do next. I was never one to have goals. You were my goal and my goal maker. I followed you. You took care of me even as independent as I am.

I wonder how I will feel in five years, one year, 6 months... I find myself smiling instead of crying at memories or stories being told. That is an improvement I didn’t think was possible. 

I wonder if I will ever love again, or trust anyone as fully as I did you. No one can compare.

I wonder where you are. I am sure you are in a better place but it hurts that you can’t share it with me. I see the signs you have sent when I desperately needed them and opened my eyes so I can see more. I am sure I have missed some. I hope to see all I can.

I wonder when we will meet again. I will be ready. 

11/27/2014

I feel that I'm  not having the ability to cope anymore with the amount of pain that im feeling. I just can't deal with it anymore. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. Lost. I am at the end of my rope and my coping resources have just run out.
I really want to end it all. Every day is just another reason to die.
The pain I experiencing is like  if your heart has literally been ripped out of you. Breathing is hard, eating is hard, so the thought of doing anything is darned near impossible.
I just can't take this pain anymore. im so so hurt that all this happened. I can't deal with the regret. I can't deal with the guilt. i can't deal with the shame. I just can't deal with the sadness anymore. this is the worst thing i have ever gone through.

Always missing YOU

Daddy, you took care of me like i was your own child. I always made things difficult for you, but you loved me all the same.

I am truly sorry. the day before you died, you called me, you asked for me but they didn't let me go to see you. It's my number one regret that I wasn't able to tell you 'Thank you' and that I love you. After all this time, I still miss you and I hate myself whenever I think of how they treated you. I will never forgive myself. If I could, I would even trade my life for yours. You left behind a daughter with no father, no family.
I hope you forgive me because I didn't realize how were things in the house. All the things you did for me, i am thankful for that. I love you, I really do.

If I had the chance to say one last thing to you, it would be this: "I will always love you. And for the love of God, please give me signs. Because if you're not, that would make the tragedy of you walking away even more unbearable than it already is."

Daddy, thank you for listening. Being able to be share with you and show you my vulnerability has been so important for my development as a woman.

Thank you for accepting me for who I am. Your unconditional support of my gifts and my quirks has supported me in knowing who I truly am. Loving encouragement from you has been the wind beneath my wings.

Thank you for showing me your softer side. I know you are strong and protect me, but I also love when you show me your tears. When you reveal your emotions I feel so special and close to you.

Thank you for being my teacher. You taught me how to ride a bike, throw a ball, open a checking account, and everything about cars, motorcycles, sports.

Thank you for being honest. I look up to you and respect your integrity. And your strong character has inspired me to value and honor myself.

Thank you for being a loving shoulder to cry on when my heart has gotten broken.

Most of all thank you Dad for being you. I know you that you are my Father but you are also a human being, on your own path and learning your own lessons. Even if you have not done all these things, I know in my heart you have been the perfect Father for me for you have taught me the life lessons I need to learn.

No matter what I will always love you.

And no matter how old I am, I will always be your little girl.

Always missing you.

AUCHHHH

I'm sorry for all the pain that you've encountered. 

I'm sorry that no matter what bandaid I put on you, it will always hurt. 

I'm sorry that my mom always makes you skip and jump for no real reason. 

I'm sorry that you wont ever beat the same again.

I'm sorry I wont ever be able to replace.

I'm sorry I cant erase the past, she wont ever change.

Please, my heart, let's heal these wounds.

IM FALLING TO PEACES

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just praying to a God that I don't believe in

Cause I got time while she got freedom

Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst

She finally met a man that's gonna put her first

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping

Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven, even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok?

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok?

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces

(One still in love while the other one's leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

(Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase, I took the blame

Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh

Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in

Cause I got time while she got freedom

Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break

No it don't break

No it don't break even no

BORN TO BE SINGLE

Single is no longer a lack of options – but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your life be defined by your relationship status but to live every day Happily and let your Ever After work itself out...

“Single” is an opportunity to live life on your own terms and not apologize...

TRY WALKING IN MY SHOES

I'm not looking for absolution

Forgiveness for the things I do

But before you come to any conclusions

Try walking in my shoes

As long as you are alive, I'm alive...

Sometimes, pain is all that lets you know you're alive... One of the hardest things about being alive is being with other people...