“Some people think it’s
holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.”
Never regret anyone who
was a part of your life. Your experiences and relationships helped make you the
person you are today. Sometimes it’s hard looking back, realizing what once was
and what could never be again. But that’s what happens after a breakup. You
start replaying everything that happened, from the little conversations that
have stuck in your memory to the big fights that you have no idea why they
started in the first place.
Some people say that it’s
a sign of weakness to let go, that it’s the same thing as giving up. But I
believe letting go can sometimes be a sign of strength. To let go of someone
you love, to put yourself and your happiness first, to have the strength to
make the hard decision when it’s easier to stay together. To let go of
something you put so much effort into. That’s what it is. You’ve invested
so much of yourself and your time into a relationship that’s simply not working
out anymore. And no matter how hard you try and want it to work, it
just doesn’t and it can’t.
Only a strong person is
able to let go of memories, thoughts and emotions. Because letting go of them
means letting go of the identities we’ve dressed ourselves in. And
beautifully enough, only a strong person can learn to let go of other
people. To overcome possessing other people is one of the most
enlightening achievements we can aspire to.
Letting go will
generate a sense of emptiness at the beginning, one that can be difficult to
live with. Nevertheless, strength resides in our capability to face this
emptiness and transform it into wholeness. To overcome fears of doubt and
unfamiliarity.
I know I am strong because
I’m ready to know what lies outside my comfort zone. I’m ready for freedom and
I’m riding this roller coaster with an open heart and mind.
If we are still finding
difficulty letting go, I suggest we openly ask ourselves who’s in control. Who
has the power, the strength? Do things in our lives control us or do we control
them?
Did you figure out the
answer yet?
Some people believe
holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are
times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.
The problem with the pain
that comes from true love lost is that it takes time to form, to build upon
itself and become realized. You don't just break your heart and learn your
lesson. Heartbreak itself doesn't live in a single moment — hearts have the
ability to chip and break apart almost infinitely.
When Someone You Love is Toxic – How to Let Go, Without Guilt
Everything they do is to
keep people small and manageable. This will play out through criticism,
judgement, oppression – whatever it takes to keep someone in their
place. The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person
will call on toxic behaviour to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box
they believe you belong in.
It is likely that toxic
people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being
exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being
taught the key quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship there will be
other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at
the heart of a toxic person’s behaviour is the lack of concern around their
impact on others.
They come with a critical
failure to see past their own needs and wants.
Toxic people have a way of
choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the
ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to
abandon.
Even the strongest people
can find themselves in a toxic relationship but the longer they stay, the
more they are likely to evolve into someone who is a smaller, less confident,
more wounded version of the person they used to be.
Non-toxic people who stay
in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better,
and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to
make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what
he or she wants – control.
Families are a witness to
our lives – our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our frailties and flaws. All
families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a
decent, thriving human. The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not
everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow. Sometimes the lessons
they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core.
Rather than being lessons
on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach
are about closing down, staying small and burying needs – but for every
disempowering lesson, there is one of empowerment, strength and growth that
exists with it. In toxic families, these are around how to walk away from the
ones we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to let go of guilt
and any fantasy that things could ever be different. And here’s the rub – the
pain of a toxic relationship won’t soften until the lesson has been
learned.
In any healthy
relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back. When what
comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will
eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly
short of where anyone is meant to be.
Healthy people welcome the
support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a
little to accommodate. When one person in a system changes, whether it’s a
relationship of two or a family of many, it can be challenging. Even the
strongest and most loving relationships can be touched by feelings of jealousy,
inadequacy and insecurity at times in response to somebody’s growth or
happiness. We are all vulnerable to feeling the very normal, messy emotions
that come with being human.
The difference is that
healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Unhealthy
ones will blame, manipulate and lie – whatever they have to do to return
things to the way they’ve always been, with the toxic person in control.
If you try to leave a
toxic person, things might get worse before they get better – but they will
always get better. Always.
Few things will ramp up
feelings of insecurity or a need for control more than when someone questions
familiar, old behaviour, or tries to break away from old, established patterns
in a relationship. For a person whose signature moves involve manipulation,
lies, criticism or any other toxic behaviour, when something feels as though
it’s changing, they will use even more of their typical toxic behaviour to
bring the relationship (or the person) back to a state that feels
acceptable.
Sometimes toxic people
will hide behind the defence that they are doing what they do because they love
you, or that what they do is ‘no big deal’ and that you’re the one
causing the trouble because you’re just too sensitive, too serious, too – weak,
stupid, useless, needy, insecure, jealous – too ‘whatever’ to get it. You will have
heard the word plenty of times before.
The
only truth you need to know is this: If it hurts, it’s hurtful. Fullstop.
Walking away from a toxic
relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always
okay. And it is always – always – worth it. This is the learning and the
growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.
Letting go will likely
come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you
had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They
will probably be crueller, more manipulative and more toxic than
ever. They will do what they’ve always done because it has always worked. Keep
moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel
your step.
You can’t pretend toxic
behaviour away or love it away or eat it, drink it, smoke it, depress it or
gamble it away. You can’t avoid the impact by being smaller, by crouching or
bending or flexing around it. But you can walk away from it – so far away that
the most guided toxic fuelled missile that’s thrown at you won’t find you.
One day they might catch
up to you – not catch you, catch up to you – with their growth and their
healing but until then, choose your own health and happiness over their
need to control you.
