soul....

But darling...

11/27/2018

“When you have a good heart: You help too much. You trust too much. You give too much. You love too much. And it always seems you hurt the most.”

Sia - I'm Still Here (Official Music Video)

I'm Still Here

I'm fighting a battle

I'm fighting my shadow

Herd fears like they're cattle

I'm fighting a battle, yeah

I'm fighting my ego

Lost youth, where did we go wrong?

I'm fighting for me, though

I'm lighting the long way home

Oh, the past it haunted me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past it haunted me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

But the battle was lost

'Cause I'm still here

I'm winning the war now

I'm winning it all now

Watch tears while they fall down

I'm winning the war now

I win against ego

Cast light on the shadow's long

I'm winning from ego

I'm lighting the long way home

Oh, the past it haunted me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past it haunted me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

But the battle was lost

'Cause I'm still here

it's hauntin' me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past, it's hauntin' me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past it's hauntin' me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

But the battle was lost

'Cause I'm still here

I'm fighting my ego

Lost youth, where did we go wrong?

I'm winning for me, though

I'm lighting the long way home

Oh, the past it haunted me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past it haunted me

Oh, the past it wanted me dead

Oh, the past tormented me

But the battle was lost

'Cause I'm still here

Dad Nov, 21

You have been my strongest provider, you did not only bring me to the world but you loved me and nurture me, I owe you a lot, but death couldn’t allow me pay it all. I miss you so much.

You will always be my King, My first source of happiness, the man who loved me regardless of all my flaws. I love you forever, My everlasting love. 

Daddy you are my biggest support when life seems unfair, you are my greatest gift and I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. I miss your presence so much father.

Daddy your absence is felt and no one is able to take that your special space in my life. To be me you are the world best father.

Your legacy remains a blessing to the people you left and your warmest hug is what we can never forget. I hope you are in a better place. I miss you father.

Your place can’t be taken in my heart and the special love I have for you can’t taken by anyone else. You remain my first life hero and blessing. I miss you father. I hope you are in a better place.

You taught me how to walk, talk and even taught me every other life lesson. I wish you are here to see me exploit in life. You are truly missed father.

I remember how we laugh over petty things and how your not so funny jokes often makes me laugh out my ribs and how lovely you were. These are the memories that kept me going. I miss you deeply father.

I wish time can be controlled, I will have pause the time just to be by your side till eternity father. No one can be like you dad.

I know even if you are not in this world to protect me, you are right in heaven serving as my guardian angel. I can feel your presence in my life every day.

I remember your last moment on earth, you were warm and so calm even at the point of death, you remain the peaceful kind of person you are. You are a rare gem. 

You absent is felt and I couldn’t have imagine you leaving us this early and now I only have your memories to sustain myself.

I know you are up there, preparing a home for me and you. I can’t wait for the day we will meet again all smiled up.... I feel that will be soon.

You are my first life inspiration, you taught me how to be strong and how to fight every battles life bring towards me and I can not imagine my life, if you are not my father.

I will go to see you again to tell you how much I love you and how deeply sorry I am for the damaged that they caused you and I didn't know.  

My friends, the strangers...

Have you strangely noticed that in many cases, it is the “strangers” or the ones you haven’t met in person who often seem to support you in what you’re doing more than the ones you’ve met or have known for a long time?

Believe it or not, the fact of the matter is that strangers will support you more than the people you know.

"Don’t expect external support when you're struggling because that support needs to come from within"

Very few people will support you in the beginning because you have yet to prove yourself worthy of supporting. However, use those same critiques and lack of support from others as fuel and motivation to prove them ALL WRONG. So, don’t worry too much if your family and friends don’t support you.

There is NEVER anything wrong with doing whatever it is you need to do or feel you want to do to improve your life in whatever way you see fit.

The main thing I learned when friends disappoint is, a lot of times, they weren’t really good friends to begin with. Now, I am fully aware of those who support me and those who just observe me. As I progress, I pay less attention to those who watch and criticize, and pay more attention to those people who actually matter.

Three Great Acoustic by Chester Bennington

"It is sad to think that he helped 1000s of people but no one could save him..."SAME HERE Mother#### At least we choose helping people in need before we die....It is more real and yes his compassion to help others while you are in so much pain!!!I just pray to God so I can meet you again, so we just rock the place and without the fucking pain....

Feeling empty.

   

Lately, I've been walking around in a haze.

I didn't do much this past weekend. My laundry was left to pile up, work was forgotten, and if I had plans they would have been canceled. Actually, to be completely honest, I haven't done much of anything since I got here. There's an anxious pulsing in my chest that hasn't left me since I got in the car. It's like someone snuck into my room one night, replaced my brain with cotton balls, and swapped my bones for lead pipes.

It's not the first time, so, maybe I should have seen it coming. It happens sometimes. I'll fluctuate between a state where everything moves me and hardly feeling anything. I'm not sure what caused it this time — if it was the sudden change in scenery, a guttural reaction to anticipated stress — but I'm becoming numb again.

Maybe I'm not describing it quite right, but it's as if there is a wall between myself and I. Something needs to escape my chest, but I don't know what, and even after all these years I'm not sure how to help it. The more I grow used to this place and this feeling (by which I mean the world and my changing condition, respectively), the more I realize how little there is I can do but go through the motions and wait for it to pass.

Still, I am trying to figure it out.

All I know is that I should feel lonely, but I don't. I should feel a lot more than cloudy, but I don't.

I've been thinking about everything and nothing. I find myself stuck in an uncomfortable place where my mind is both overcrowded and empty. My body feels heavier than it should. I long for sleep if only to pass the time, but my mind won't turn off for long enough. And, really, that's the worst part of it: I can't stop thinking, but I couldn't tell you what about.

I'm not sure how to end this, because there's not a resolution I've found. I don't have any advice for anyone feeling this way, either but I wanted to write about it anyway. The only thing I am sure about is that it will pass. I suppose that is my advice, my concluding statement if you will: be patient.

Broken

The Illusion of love

Love is this  illusion fed to me while I was growing up and I believed in it and now I am broken, down while I achieve the point of being vacant within. It's like Santa Claus or the Easter bunny. It's a lie, eventually I'll just die alone.  

I cannot even cry

And I'm stuck in a fucking up loop of pain and numbness and an empty void asking why.

I climb into my bed  and I'm screaming death inside my head.

In that instant before I die, I think "Shit I need help, I don't know what the fuck I am doing here, but I have to have a bigger purpose."

Too late, I asked for help, for affection, for a fucking hug ... NO FUCKING ANSWER!

EMPTY!!!

Have you ever held in pain to the point where it seemed like you didn't care? 

You could've sworn you were crying, 

But when you went to wipe tears away there was nothing there? 

Going through life empty,

Just letting the world pass you by. 

Numb to any feelings, 

Just wishing you could die. 

See I feel like this daily. 

So lost I don't know what to feel. 

When in fact I do feel pain, I can't believe that it's real. 

So as I lay my head down tonight, 

I close my eyes and pray. 

I pray that God will give me guidance and to maybe feel some day.

Chester...

"I've given up, I'm suffocating"

The air I breathe keeps burning in my lungs

Hatred fills the world and all those in it

Death seems like the only option

I'm hanging by a thread already, hanging myself doesn't seem much different

“I’ve become so numb”

My body is overcome with so much strain

Holding on to ward off all the pain

I have no feeling in my hands from clenching my fists so hard

Trying to fight back the ones who comment so negatively

My phony friends who pretend to have my back and proceed to stab me in it

A family that wants me to change everything I am

My knees feel week upon standing to defend myself and my fading dignity

“Why is everything so heavy?”

My heart, my eyes, the crosses I bear

Everyday, I feel “my walls are closing in”

Like there’s nowhere to escape the agony

The demons keep “crawling in my skin”

Yet they still remain through my deafening screams

It’s so damn hard to impress the world

And be true to myself at the same time

“All I wanna do is trade this life for something new”

One where I feel at ease without this constant anxiety

“I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong”

Somewhere I can be myself without facing criticism

Or feel like I have to paint on a brave face every single day

But I’m sick of tired of putting up a fight

And therefore “I’m breaking the habit tonight”

It’s not entirely over yet, there’s still a chance to save me from myself

While I’m “waiting for the end to come”, someone can come sit and talk to me

Ask me how I’m doing, provide a listening ear

Hold me through my shaking in fear

I need a confidant who will listen to me and walk me through this bloody hell

“It starts with one”