'A Song For Noah' - Stylusboy

Every time I look at you big blue eyes 

I see a light that’s burning oh so bright 

I pray it lasts until you leave home. 

There’s not rush cause I’m not letting go. 

Open up those big blue eyes 

Stare at me so I know 

I see a life full of hope 

Don’t let go don’t let it fall away 

Hold my hand 

And I’ll show you the way 

Hold my hand 

And I’ll guide you along the way 

Every time I I look upon those eyes 

I say thanks for your life 

Wipe the tears from those eyes 

It’s alright cause I’m not letting go. 

Hold my hand 

And I’ll show you the way 

Hold my hand 

And I’ll guide you along the way 

I’ll guide you along the way 

I’ll guide you along the way 

I’ll guide you along the way

I Will Never Be the Same ....

My Dad died and since then I know I will never be the same.

I will never be the same . . . as I was before. My Dad took my soul with him, a piece that will never return. I am incomplete without him. 

I will never be the same . . . as someone who hasn’t lost a parent. One of the hardest things about losing a parent is feeling that nobody understands. Even worse is feeling different and seeing those differences every day. It hurts, it’s lonely, and there are some days you’d do almost anything to be the same . . . as you were... People can't say you were never here for me 'cause you were here my whole life, when I needed you in my heart you would be.... You taught me things like how to grow...

you taught me never to let go...

I had never before experienced this kind of loss. I have lost my grandmother when I was 10 years old and the pain was terrible back on the time ... but that comes remotely close to the loss of my daddy. I knew it would be hard when it happened. I just didn’t realize it would feel this… I’ve always known that a large part of my self-identity was linked to my father. He has been such a huge influence in my life. Losing him has been like having the very foundations of my identity experience a serious messy situation ... like an hurricane ...

My dad was ill. He knew and we knew he’d die eventually. None of that makes any of this any easier. He was my confidante and main supporter. I could tell him anything. I discussed my problems with him and he gave me advice. When I did something interesting, I wanted him to be the first person to know about it. 

The hurt is the same ... nooooo some days the pain is stronger it makes me sick and weak ... I can’t stand this much longer ... I locked myself in a box...  I’m thinking, I’m 40 years old, many people loose a parent in their 30’s or 20’s, and some when they are teens or just kids. What right do I have to feel so bad, these other people had their parents around for a much less time. 

Daddy, it's been a week.... STILL miss you a lot.... I think I'll see you again in a short while. 

PS: I am so proud of you dad brave and strong to the end ....

Goodnight Daddy .....

I miss you so much. I have dreams again and again in which I make plans with you .... Dad, I miss you so much that it physically hurts me. There are times when I feel like I can’t breathe, like my chest is going to explode. I know that you will always be there and of course in my heart, but I don’t know if that will be enough for me. You are the best and ideal man I have ever known.  You are my best friend, my best buddy since I was a baby. You taught me so much — you gave me the world. I have so much to be grateful for, but I feel shorted.

For my whole life, you stood behind me, supporting me, encouraging me, getting me out of trouble, teaching me, getting after me, loving me. You have done a wonderful job of preparing me for the difficulties and the joys of life, but I feel lost  anyway. I love you so deeply. As I sit here typing this and crying, I see your smiling face, I feel your big solid slap on the back, I hear you say “I love you.”  Thank you for always being there for me, no matter what; thank you for teaching me about everything, and for learning about the things that I was interested in that you didn’t know about; thank you for your honesty, since I was a little girl; thank you for your friendship; thank you for respecting my opinion and talking to me like I was an adult even when I was little; thank you for sharing your life with me; thank you for teaching me about right and wrong and showing me the courage to step forward to do right and challenge wrong; thank you for being a gentleman, thank you for demanding that I do my best; thank you for a lifetime of love, support, kindness, warmth and friendship; thank you for teaching me how to win and how to lose with class; thank you for war movies; thank you for the world that you brought me and for all the good things I am.

Goodnight Daddy, I love you,

Sia - Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again 
I have been here many times before 
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame 

Be my friend 
Hold me, wrap me up 
Unfold me 
I am small 
And needy 
Warm me up 
And breathe me 

Ouch I have lost myself again 
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, 
Yeah I think that I might break 
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend 
Hold me, wrap me up 
Unfold me 
I am small 
And needy 
Warm me up 
And breathe me 

cruel world...

Such a Cruel Cruel World..

We all feel like giving up sometimes, at one point or another in our lives. It's tough when life pushes you to the edge and the whole world seems to be going against you. It's harder when you're all alone and there's no one to turn to. Even harder when desperation and fear cloud your mind. Solutions seem impossible to find. Everything seems wrong, you feel lost.

Take a deep breath. Take the time to just sit back, and allow yourself to just forget about everything for one moment. Forget about the disappointment, forget about the frustration, forget about the resentment. And while you're doing that, allow yourself to listen to some music. Don't underestimate the power of music. Music is a powerful medium. Music can make you feel differently. Music can sometimes move you, make you feel certain way. We all have our own favorite we will turn to when we feel certain way, if you don't, below are my suggestions, the 10 good songs you should listen to when you feel like giving up on life, for the hope that they will somehow help you see things in a brighter perspective.

I don’t know about any of this any more. I try not to get into this feelings, into this temptation to end everything but lately it has just become to much. Never have I experienced it this bad, to the point where I actually wake up in the morning extremely disappointed and wishing that God would have finally answered my prayers and just taken me.

I try hard for others going through this and I tell them to keep strong, just to hold on but look at me! I can’t even listen to myself! I can’t even hold on, It’s like everything I once had just appears so distant now. Everything I’ve ever wanted in life has suddenly stopped being what I want. Now, I’ll I want is to stop this pain, be happy even if being happy comes within my last few breaths of life…..

This month, much like many others, has been completely insane.  I hate it so much. I feel out of place no matter where I go. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

Do you ever hate yourself for waking up in the morning? Or for how you look in the mirror? .... Things are getting so bad... I'm fucked up. In more ways than one. I've made bad decision after bad decision and I'm still on that road. 

Bottom line?

I'm going into a bad place again. Well, a lower place than what I was at. I'm scared of being alone with myself but I also scared of people ........

Why do I feel so sad? why do I feel so much pain? Why do I go for days at a time without eating or sleeping? why people are so selfish? why people forget about compassion? .........why? why? why?

These are the things that I think about all the time. I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I'm sorry if I screwed up. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough. I feel horrible. 

Numbness is better than pain. I'm hurting so bad and no one understand that. Its so frustrating. I can't take all of the judging and criticizing and everything else. 

How can they do this? Why?

How can they all do this to me? How can my relatives want to hurt me so badly? How can everyone betray me so easily when I need them the most. 

How is everyone SO selfish when I strive to live my life to be as selfless as I can? I just don't understand. Why did all of this happen to me? What did I do to deserve it? 

I know they say life's not fair, and trust me I know that, but this is just taking it above and beyond the normal realms of typical "life obstacles". 

My life has gone to shit and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it or make it better. Im completely lost and alone. Am I going to make it out of this mess alive? I really just don't think so. 

I can't take my family ... just my dad and they don´t want me to see him. It's so unhealthy for me. 

That's all I have to say about anything anymore. How and why. It just doesn't make sense. Doesn't add up. 

Please tell me. How do I stop hurting this bad. 

Lately I just feel really...numb. And at peace. And that's not good, because I'm never at peace. It makes me think that I subconsciously made my decision. And not a good one, if you know what I mean. I don't know..I just have a bad feeling about tomorrow. 

How the hell do I get outside of my head? I don't want to be trapped like this. I want to feel better. I don't want to be in this situation. That's it. That's my goal in life. To stop all the pain. No one listens to me long enough to take me seriously anyway. It sucks. 

I can't. I've never felt this much pain in my life and I need it to stop. 

What if I was stronger?

What if it had happened after I met all the new people in my life. Could that have helped me? Offered me other solutions?

What if my mother cared?

What if it was a different girl?

What if she wanted the same thing I wanted?

What if I listened to myself and not anybody else?

Eminem - Beautiful (OFFICAL MUSIC VIDEO) FULL UNCENSORED

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own

Everybody has a private world where they can be alone

Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through

Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?

I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump

If I could just get over this hump

But I need something to pull me out this dump,

I took my bruises, took my lumps

Fell down and I got right back up

But I need that spark to get psyched back up

In order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in

I'm starting to feel distant again

So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent

But I just can't admit

Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap

I need a new outlet, I know some shit's so hard to swallow

And I just can't sit back and wallow

In my own sorrow

But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow

I'll be one tough act to follow

Here today, gone tomorrow

But you have to walk a thousand miles

[Chorus:]

In my shoes, just to see

What it's like, to be me

I'll be you, let's trade shoes

Just to see what it'd be like to

Feel your pain, you feel mine

Go inside each other's mind

Just to see what we find

Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful, oh

They can all get fucked.

Just stay true to you

So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful

Oh, they can all get fucked.

Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor

Everything is so tense and gloom

I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room

Just as soon as I walk in

It's like all eyes on me

So I try to avoid any eye contact

'cause if I do that then it opens a door for conversation

Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention

I just want to be just like you

Blend in with the rest of the room

Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant

Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass

Laugh at every single joke I crack

And half of them ain't even funny like

"Ah, Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn"

Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down?

Listen to the tale I'm about to tell

Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes

And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

[Chorus]

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful

Oh They can all get fucked.

Just stay true to you so

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful

Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so

Nobody asked for life to deal us

With these bullshit hands we're dealt

We have to take these cards ourselves

And flip them, don't expect no help

Now I could have either just

Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned

Or take this situation in which I'm placed in

And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid

To wait by the door and pack his bags

Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed

For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in

At every single place

Every school I went

I dreamed of being that cool kid

Even if it meant acting stupid

Aunt Edna always told me keep makin' that face it'll get stuck like that

Meanwhile I'm just standin' there

Holdin' my tongue tryna talk like this

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old

I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryna impress my friends no mo'

But I already told you my whole life story

Not just based on my description

'cause where you see it from where you're sitting

Is probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile

In each other's shoes, at least

What size you wear? I wear tens

Let's see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]

[Outro:]

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own

Everybody has a private world where they can be alone...

So are you calling me, are you trying to get through, oh?

Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you?

So oh oh

Yea... To my babies. Stay strong.

Daddy will be home soon

And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes

That fit you, so put 'em on and wear 'em

And be yourself, man, be proud of who you are

Even if it sounds corny,

Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful

ESPERS - Cruel Storm (HD)

Oh, cruel storm 

Cruel sailor, cruel land 

They take what they'd sooner sell 

To some foreign land 

From my highest tower 

I see just how he stands and sways 

Whispered my lie 

There is a happy land 

For the weary maid 

Oh, splendid lady

Steals time with your heels

I watched your eyes fill with delight

As your hounds take the wild fox down

You're wicked, ugly

Wines placed at your side

The black thorns might be smarter

But then they might be free

Light darkness once more

Light my sailor's home again

With a vaguely crueler kind

As light bleeds from the sky

I watch our heart die

Cold moonbeams lived my time

Pass, true loves, by once more

And it will be splendid

Eddie Vedder - Long Nights

Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off
Than I was before

I've got this light
I'll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall

Long nights allow
Me to feel I'm falling
I am falling

The lights go out
Let me feel I'm falling
I am falling
safely to the ground

I'll take this soul
That's inside me now
Like a brand new friend
I'll forever know

I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before

Long nights allow
Me to feel I'm falling
I am falling

The lights go out
Let me feel I'm falling
I am falling
safely to the ground

pillow....

I was always in the dark and continuely fighting always afraid to fall asleep, and to let my head rest on the pillow...   the pain still kills...

My memory is acting up on me still. The past is in the present. I’m physically throwing punches at it in the quiet of my room. Wrestling it away because it won’t stop bothering me. Teeth gritted, heart pounding, and anger brewing. Many have said what’s done is done the past is past. Oh I do agree. It would help if my brain could seriously comprehend this because I even say this aloud (enough for me to hear) to give it less power. No doing it says to me. The memory is playing tricks in the short term. Nearly putting food in the closet, turning off the sprinkler when I just turned it on only to be told I actually turned it off the moment I went inside. And I don’t remember a thing. I must be getting worse.

People will get to see something raw and unedited for a limited time. I am tired of being ashamed of that. The limited time…Because that too…is apart of me.

... trying to believe ...

“To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.”

Love everyone and everything, without attaching strings and without judging them.

Have personal regard and respect for the people you meet. Treat them as equals and not inferior or superior in any way.

Work on the principle that everyone is, at heart, good. Assume that although they may do questionable things, the person underneath is fundamentally pure.

If you love someone unconditionally, then you cannot judge or blame them or find them bad.

Unconditional love works well in relationships too. If you do not put conditions on your partner, then you open the doors for a much more fulfilling and trusting relationship.

If universal unconditional love is difficult for you, start with your family and people you know. Or just try it in a single conversation.

Or, if you just find the word 'love' too difficult at the moment, try starting with 'regard'. Unconditional regard is still very good and may be more acceptable for those who focus more on thinking than feeling.

Unconditional love means love without condition. It means giving love without expecting anything in return, including any reciprocal love. Unhappiness comes from unfulfilled desire. If you can love without desire, then you can only be happy.

This can be a difficult route to happiness, yet it is one where a great deal of happiness can be found. The more you can stretch your love, the happier you can be.

Unconditional love is nothing to do with romance. It does not want anything from the other person, though it may want everything for them. It is not about desire and possession; it is about appreciation and concern.

One principle, from the field of psychoanalysis is that we have an inner true self that is too vulnerable to expose, so we cover it up with the mask of a false self. Unconditional love is of the true self. Perhaps also it comes from the true self. In this way, it may be considered as the most real and truthful form of affection and bonding.

By showing you care about that inner core, you can get much closer to the person and connect with them in a more truthful and rewarding way.

Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Buddhism teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all.

But if your relationship, be it friendship or romantic love, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?

How do we do what is best for ourselves without damaging the heart and mind of someone else in the process?

Love and relationships require work and responsibility. We have to learn when to stretch and when to break.

For a long time I didn’t believe I would find love so I subconsciously chose partners who I knew would be a challenge. I am no longer interested in this challenge. I told myself when my last relationship failed that I would never put myself in a situation where I didn’t know where I stood in someone’s life again; where I felt unsteady and unloved. 

Love is a gift.

Let people into your life who accept you and love you without judgment.... Tough! let me tell you....  You will be able to grow and learn and love freely without fear. You will start to receive the type of love that you are trying to give, and you will continue to become the person you truly want to be.  You will avoid the types of people that can hurt you and bring you down.  You will stop being hurtful and damaging to others.

Once you are able to love yourself openly and without judgment, then you have the power to love others the same exact way.  It's the path to healthy relationships.  It's the path to true love.

To love someone without expecting anything in return is possibly the hardest love to find and to give and it is truly a special thing. 

It is hard to give to someone love without expecting anything back, but sometimes a situation can deteriorate to such an extent that the other person is incapable of giving anything back to you in return. Maybe their mental condition has taken a turn for the worst, or  they just find it hard to express love, or maybe they are just not in love with you, for example. Having an unconditional commitment to someone means loving them despite not ever receiving anything back from them and any selfish desire to receive love needs to be put aside in that situation.