People don´t change....

So I walk up on high and I step to the edge to see my world below and I laugh at myself while the tears roll down 'cause it's the world I know, it's the world I know. Collective Soul, "The World I Know"

It may make me sound like Dr. House, and it pains me to say it, but I really believe it to be true - people don't change.

You may want them to, but they won't... you may hope someone changes, but people are who they are.  All the wishing in the world won't change it.

I should know.  In the many years I've been a member of the human race, I've come to learn that people don't change...and yet, here I sit, year after year, hoping for change.  We make progress, we grow, but we never truly change who we are.  Yet, there are people who I wait for, year after year, to change.

Uncontrollably, we love who we love.  We trust who we trust.  We are drawn to people based not on the pain they can cause, but on the relationships they have to us.  The way they make us feel.  The way they make us smile.

Does it make me an idealist or an idiot?  If you were to ask Dr. House, he'd probably say the latter.  Well, idiot or idealist, I'll more than likely keep optimistically hoping that the human race proves me wrong.

It hasn't, yet.

Dr. House adage that autism seems to have conquered - "Everybody lies."  And they do.  I don't know a single person who doesn't lie.  Even me, who finds it so incredibly difficult to lie that I probably twitch when I do it (it's like my mind doesn't do lying, for some reason).  I lie about what people would consider "little white lies", and occasionally it gets me in trouble. 

It does seem like everybody lies.  It makes trust incredibly difficult.  Who do you trust if, everybody lies and, people don't change?  

“If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.” 

Two Months....

Dad,

Today it´s been two months since you passed and I still can't accept the fact that your gone! Life hasn't been the same without you by my side. You were always there for me, supportive and strong, no matter what ... miss you so much!!! my heart is broken and always keep thinking of you ... I keep thinking you are going to walk through the door or calling me by phone ... I love you so much ... you are my life, my best mate, my pal, my hero... I miss your hugs and the things you use to say. l miss your smile and your gentle way. Always and forever in my thoughts. All my love, Your loving daughter.

I won´t be able to make it ...

I never imagine how difficult will be ... there is no good time or way for someone you care about to die ... I keep writing because I want to share my sadness and express the loss I am feeling. 

I feel that I was left wandering in the dark, fumbling around to get our bearings... and what to do with all these feelings that suddenly appeared??? ... anger, frustration, a sense of abandonment, confusion, a sense of worthlessness, depression and a struggle to believe in a happy future hmmm nooooo in a future period. I cannot blame anyone for them. 

I know what I believe. I believe I’ll see him again, and I really do look forward to that day... there is a huge hole in my life now, where my dad once was. It’s hard to accept that he is simply gone, even if it’s to a much better place. It hurts, and it’s hard.

Anger can be unattractive, there’s no question about it. It’s messy and unpredictable, sometimes loud and violent. And in a world where we like things to make sense, it’s often unacceptable. But never was like now. There’s a long list of people I am angry with... myself, the doctors, God because why did He leave me alone? Why? Why?

I’m angry, and I don’t know what to do with my anger...  

The Veronicas- Heavily Broken

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken

Luther Van Dross-Dance With My Father Again

If I could get another chance
Another walk
Another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
How I'd love love love 
To dance with my father again

When I and my mother 
Would disagree
To get my way I would run 
From her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
yeah yeah
Then finally make me do 
Just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he 
Would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance
When final step 
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love love love to 
Dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how mama would cry for him
I'd pray for her even more than me
I'd pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much to much
But could you send her 
The only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But Dear Lord
She's dying to dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream

I can´t even breathe ...

I can't believe that is has been more than a month since you passed away ...  Honestly, I can't believe that I have survived this long without you.  I constantly miss your touch, laughter, comfort.  I look for you in all things and everywhere I go.  Sometimes, I think I hear you in words that other people speak, in music and in silence. 

You apologized for your perception of me taking care of you while you were sick.  I always told you that this was the easy part, the hard part was going to be living without you.  Everyday there is so much difficulties...  Life is bittersweet.  For moments of loveliness, I wonder why you can't be here.  In moments of hardship, I wonder why you can't be here.  Life, for me was so much easier with you here.  You provided the humor and comfort that only a father can do.  

You probably already know this, but with everything I set out to do, I think of you.  I wonder if I am doing things the right way. 

The other night, before sleep, I was waiting for a sign from you... please do not forget to check in, because I will always need you. 

I was thinking yesterday if people can die for a broken heart?!!

I love you with all my heart!

OMG Daddy ...

I'm sorry... I can´t forgive myself that I didn't make it to say goodbye to you....That was and still is the hardest thing ... you were the only person in this world that loved me unconditionaly and now I'm all alone... OMG daddy I miss you so much... 

I can't believe your gone. You were the strongest person I ever knew... If you could, give me your strength to get through this because I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on... the scary part is its just the beginning... Im trying so hard but now i have no one to depend on and it sucks. I miss have good time with you and love laugh with you. i miss your smile and laugh i love it...i always make  you laugh and you call me silly girl... I can't believe that Christmas is coming... thats would be hard for me without you on the first christmas / birthday ... 

Daddy, I am still questioning, still waiting for the answers....thank you daddy for loving me unconditionally…thank you for having been there for me all these years…thank you for teaching me everything I know now about life…thank you for taking good care of me…thank you for all the memories…Thank you for just being you…thank you for being my daddy and my best friend…

This will be my first christmas without you...  even the sight of christmas decorations is enough to make me unable to breathe. 

I know this man
Who is dear to my heart
Suddenly one day
It was torn all apart

This man taught me every thing
That I needed to know
But I never really listened
Until he had to go

He gave me love
And touched my life
Its all over now
He no longer has to fight

He tried to teach me
Right for wrong
The day he left
I wasn't that strong

He is gone now
It is hard to believe
This man is my dad
Who I will never see

But I will see him again
This I know
The day will come
When its time for me to go

So, I'll hold him dear
And close to my heart
Cause the day we meet
I know we'll never be torn apart.

Eric Clapton - My Father's Eyes (Live Video Version)

Sailing down behind the sun, 
Waiting for my prince to come. 
Praying for the healing rain 
To restore my soul again. 

Just a toe rag on the run. 
How did I get here? 
What have I done? 
When will all my hopes arise? 
How will I know him? 
When I look in my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 
When I look in my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 

Then the light begins to shine 
And I hear those ancient lullabies. 
And as I watch this seedling grow, 
Feel my heart start to overflow. 

Where do I find the words to say? 
How do I teach him? 
What do we play? 
Bit by bit, I've realized 
That's when I need them, 
That's when I need my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 
That's when I need my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 

Then the jagged edge appears 
Through the distant clouds of tears. 
I'm like a bridge that was washed away; 
My foundations were made of clay. 

As my soul slides down to die. 
How could I lose him? 
What did I try? 
Bit by bit, I've realized 
That he was here with me; 
I looked into my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 
I looked into my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 

My father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 
I looked into my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes.

Signs...

Life can be a living hell when you miss someone you love so much. Amazingly, I get little signs when I really need them. They are comforting, knowing he is still with me in spirit. NOW I believe in signs. It's what lets me go on.

I can hear my dad, in my mind, telling me that "You can do it! You're strong!"...

Dad-please give me signs throughout life knowing you are there and helping guide me in the right direction. Dad I will miss you more than anyone will ever know. I hope you can be happy and do the things you have always wanted to do. I hope heaven is real because that is what is going to keep me alive. Knowing that I need to experience life, good and bad and then one day I will be with you again. Love you dad, I miss u greatly and see you in the future. Thank you dad for being my dad you always will be my dad and thank you for everything you have taught me and done for me I love you dad...

DON´T LEAVE ME PLEASE!!!!