my father my hero....

The father daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships on earth. I’ve been incredibly fortunate, and sometimes, I wonder what I ever did to deserve all of the blessings in my life, the beautiful, strong bond I have with my father being just one of many. Throughout my life, my father has been a stable, loving presence, supporting and guiding ME through my trials and tribulations, sharing in my triumphs, and being a shining example. 

When he would tell me that he loved me and that I was beautiful every single day I always listen ... When he would write me notes and leave them for me to find, I was learning how to do the same. When he would tell me that everything would be OK, I believed him. Even if it wasn’t all OK, I felt, and still feel, protected by him. He is like my umbrella during a rainstorm ... the rain is still falling, I can see it, touch it, and sometimes the wind blows it on me, but I am sheltered by his love and commitment to me as his child ... no matter how old I become.

When I hear the word “hero,” it usually brings up images of super men (or women) with super powers, sweeping in and saving humanity from villains and natural disasters, but when I hear that word, in my mind’s eye, I see my father. The word “hero” to me is full of subtleties, small, quiet, stable, yet profound ways of making impacts and changing lives.

Dad, you’re my father and my hero. I love you.

When I was a child, he was the man who taught me how to ride a bike and patiently helped me with my homework. In later years, he comforted me when my teenage "boyfriend" broke my heart... he taught me how to drive .... and I am talking about racing cars....  

I miss my Dad every day .... every minute... what comfort me is knowing that he is no longer suffering. 

I hope that no one ever has to suffer the way that I am. 

I miss my dad... I just miss him. I just want my dad. I want who he was.  He was dignified, honored and respected by many.  A day doesn't pass that someone doesn't tell me what a great man he was.  He is still that same man, but in a very different way.  I can't call him and say, "Dad what should I do?"  I can't call him and say, "Dad, what does this situation means?"  I can't call him and say, "What is God trying to teach me?"

I miss you Dad.  I love you and am so very proud of you.

He was my Dad and I miss him as much today as ever did, it’s just that I don’t cry as often as I did in front of people ... I feel less and less comfortable telling people about how I feel.  I think that they would smile sympathetically but secretly be thinking that I should be over it by now.  Grief is a funny thing, and although you do learn to cope with it, it never actually does goes away. 

What I miss about my Dad most is that I relied on him to help me unpick problems.  He actually didn’t give advice and the older he got the mellower he became.  But he was good at being able to help me sort things out.  I became a sad person .... I don’t know if I am supposed to get over it but I actually hope that I don’t.  The grief reminds me that he existed and the tears remind me that I am proud that he was my Dad.  

I know I have trouble accepting the fact that you're gone dad, so I wont...  It'll be like we went for awhile without seeing each other.... but I can see why God would want you closer to him, cause you truly were an angel on Earth.

You're My Hero....

I would ride on your shoulders

And look out on the world

Pretending I was big and tall like you

When you were there to hold me

I never was afraid

You made me feel there's nothing I can't do

If I'd spread my wings to fly

When I was very small

I knew that you'd be standing by

To catch me if I fall

You're my hero

Chasing the monsters from my room

Going on trips around the moon

The one who's always been there faithfully

You're my hero

And 'cause you're my Dad... 

I'm twice as blessed and lucky to be me

As I kept on growing

We often disagreed

But you let me find myself in my own way

And it's funny, how just lately

I've come to recognize

How wise you are becoming every day

There's so much you've given me

I hope I've made you proud

You're everything a Dad should be

And it's time to tell you now

You're my hero

You didn't have to say a word

Your love was the message that I heard

Inspiring me to be all I can be

You're my hero

And 'cause you're my Dad... 

I'm twice as blessed and lucky to be me

Tomorrow will be one month & I know if I jump, you will caught me....

I know if I jump, you will caught me....

It still feels unreal, like it’s not really happening. I still expect to speak to him on the phone. There is nothing like this pain ... my dad, that one person in my life that has always been there, that should always be there. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, are we ever ready to say goodbye? There was so much I wanted him to see and do. Will he ever know how much I loved him? How much I will always love him? 

I’m learning... it’s not as easy as people make it seem to be. It doesn’t matter how old you or your parents are when they die, their passing is one of the most difficult things in the world to deal with. I used to think that I need to be strong for others... put on a strong face, and even a smile, and talk about him lovingly. But then I may need to rush to the bathroom to let go of the tears in private.

So does it get any easier after one month? Not really. Not for me. Actually now is more difficult... now I start getting the more normal images of my father when I think of him: my father lying on his bed in his bedroom telling me stories, my father sitting in his favorite lazy-boy chair watching TV, my father telling one of his dirty jokes and laughing. Now it’s getting worse. Almost everything reminds me of my dad. When I’m sad about something I remember my dad because he’s the person I’d always go to for advice or consoling. 

The dreams have been intense as well. I dream about him a lot. I wake up from these dreams missing my father terribly ...

Sometimes at a moment I feel like I lose the ability to act. It’s like falling down an abyss at uncontrollable speed. I can´t see nothing around me and I have no idea where I am headed. I just know I am falling, and my entire world appears to be shutting down. Everything crashes into nothingness.... so, what now? What next? 

There are days I am just numb...  how can the death of a precious, kind, loving and supportive father be a blessing. Someone please tell me how to stop this pain, its like a shard of glass has just gone through my chest. 

I feel so hopeless and lost. Life is dead without you and I feel an empty hole inside... I just want to run away, and hide...  I can’t breath dad without you ... I can’t bare the feeling I have inside... I wonder why I'm alive in the world...  I can't take it anymore....  Wow how many times have I thought of dying... 

I have never experienced this pain... I have no family and nobody to talk to. I haven't had a conversation with anyone in so long that I don't know how any more and I'm becoming afraid of dealing with people. I truly have nothing left to live for...

Metallica-Fade To Black

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Can't stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye, *Goodbye*

My heart never knew loneliness until you went away. I’m missing you.

I never thought it would be this hard ... and experience such pain God!!!

I still remember the first time I felt huge awful pain; it was when I was around 10 years old and I lost my grandmother. I still remember the shock followed by the excruciating heartache and then the endless tears. It was very hard to comprehend that I’ll no longer be able to see, hear, or hug her anymore... emptiness engulfed me and I was suddenly drowning in sadness.

The pain I am feeling now because my dad is not here anymore is wayyyyyy worst ....

He always had the answers. The world had infinite joys to discover and I had endless curiosity. Life seemed to go on forever and I never thought about death.

After the funeral, that all changed. I lost my parent, my hero, my everything ... 

I miss him so badly that it hurts. I will never, for the rest of my life, enjoy a meal in the company of my father, or laugh at our inside jokes, or talk about our plans for the future. I will never again, ever, be able to call him and talk with him ... no more wisdom, no more deep conversations. Never again will I ever see my dad and be able to hug him and tell him how much I love him, and how much he means to me....

Eric Clapton - My Father's Eyes (Live Video Version)

... I've realized 

That's when I need them, 

That's when I need my father's eyes. 

My father's eyes. 

That's when I need my father's eyes. 

My father's eyes. 

Then the jagged edge appears 

Through the distant clouds of tears. 

I'm like a bridge that was washed away; 

My foundations were made of clay. 

As my soul slides down to die. 

How could I lose him? 

What did I try? 

Bit by bit, I've realized 

That he was here with me; 

I looked into my father's eyes. 

My father's eyes. 

I looked into my father's eyes. 

My father's eyes. 

My dad ... my everything

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen...

NANCY SINATRA - "IT'S FOR MY DAD"

There's a man who always stood right by me 

Tall and proud and good when times were bad 

To much heart, is the only fault that I see 

This song's not for you folks 

It's for my dad 

Always a partner, a playmate and a teacher 

Ready with a joke when times were sad 

And in my teens, sometimes he was a preacher 

This song's not for you folks 

It's for my dad 

He always was a rock when I needed one 

He gave me good advice when I needed some 

I want you to know that when It's said and done 

He's one of the best friends I ever had... I ever had 

This song's not for you folks 

It's for my dad 

He always was a rock when I needed one 

He gave me good advice when I needed some 

I want you to know that when It's said and done 

He's one of the best friends I ever had... oh, I ever had 

This song's not for you folks 

It's for my dad 

Of course I like you folks 

But I love my dad

my heart bleeding to death...

There´s no words that can describe myself ... I'm in my bed most of the time... my body is numb... my heart bleeding to death.

I am alone in the bedroom...  I didn’t see him or feel him so I just went back to sleep. I missing him so much that I just feel sometimes that I don’t know why I don’t scream, my pain is huge ... I don’t feel with the energy that I used to feel before when he was alive. I feel pain but I don’t cry everyday just some days I can’t even say when. It’s hard to keep thinking that I wont see him anymore it feels like a dream or like to be waiting for him in a long journey. I know I have to go on with my life but I can´t, its difficult to be able to recover who I was since... I feel that I wont be able to bring him back to life. The true is that I still can´t recover and I don´t know if I would sometime ... My energy has decreased since he died.  I loved him, he was the best ....  I love you and I will always remember you.

angry...

It's been a few days but it still very very surreal. The last time I see him he was laughing and talking. He was worry about me... I feel like he is still here, but when I try to look for him the sudden realization makes me very sad and miss him so much.

Father, I love you...

There are no words for the deep anguish I feel ... it feels like someone threw my heart at a brick wall. It's really hard without him. I still have part of his ashes...  My dad was a stable support for me. I always felt like everything would be okay when he was living. Now uncertainty & loneliness haunt me. No one can take his place.

Aggghhhh I have so much guilt, shock, denial, anger, sorrow, and fear. I feel so empty, he was my life.

I am so lonely...

My Daddy was my everything. He passed away on October 23... I am still in total shock... I am angry because it just doesn't seem fair to me that my Dad, who was so wonderful to people and also important to so many people had to leave the world so soon. I feel like I am more and more aggravated with everything now, even things that would not have bothered me before. I also am of course deeply saddened.  I miss my Dad with all my heart. The one thing I want is to have him back. He and I had a great relationship...  Everyone that knew my dad loved him. He was smart, hardworking, funny, and outgoing. I miss working with him on his car in the garage... I miss sitting next to him at dinner and laughing at all his silly jokes. It is the small things that I will really miss. I still feel like he is going to come back. I keep waiting for him. I feel his presence so badly. I just cannot believe he is gone.  Our love, our friendship, and beautiful memories will never be forgotten. 

Where his voice went? All our convesations? All his jokes? ... He had many funny sayings... I miss his voice on the phone, I miss his jokes, his music, his singing ...

Days has passed and Im no nearer to finding peace in my self. in fact i feel worse, i thought in time i would be able to cope and remember and move forward , but sadly this hasn´t been the case...  I'm lost and I'm broken inside.

I have hit an emoitional block where nothing can get in and cant release the pain i feel within.... Im trapped by my own feelings ...

I just want to say one more time thank you Dad because you were always there for me. I really miss you and all the things we did together... I hope theres life after death so we can pick up where we left off... I LOVE YOU DAD !!!!

even breathing hurts....

So 'healthy people' say the journey is more important than the destination. I don't necessarily disagree. But I'd like to change that statement a little bit and then maybe tell you some of the stories as to why I think that the journey is sometimes more valuable than the destination. 

Especially when you don't actually know where you're headed. Where are you going? You are travelling in the same direction as me right now but I guess our destinations are not the same. I'd like to tell you about some of the journey so far and why sometimes it really is more valuable than the destination...

Sometimes I dream of making a difference to just one young person's life .... I dream of waking up tomorrow and not having to put on the auto pilot face that tells the world that I'm OK and that I believe in the future. But really being that person and really being there in the situations life throws at me... I dream of knowing what makes me happy, of having that life and not having to think 'what should I be doing?' but just being me. 

But at the end of the day, all these dreams fade into the darkness and I struggle to know why I would want to wake up tomorrow or what even the purpose of the human race is anyway. 

So I think I have a dream... I dream of having a dream... 

...it feels like this blanket of darkness is settling over my shoulders and doesn't want to go away... even as I have been fighting over the last week, I give up, I'm exhausted.

I've not been sleeping well, I have very little appetite but am still eating and I often feel my eyes filling with tears ...

Being alone is horrible but my friends ... they have no more words left to say... I have to do this on my own....It's not fair to make them uncomfortable and worried when there's nothing that makes it go away.

Today I woke up aching all over as if I'd run in my sleep ... my head pounding as though I drank too much last night when I didn't drink at all!... Today I woke up with tears in my eyes... I feel lost, empty and alone.

I'm not strong enough to fight it on my own... I need someone to be there, right now that could be anyone... I've taken to holding my own hand and closing my eyes, at least then I can almost believe that there's someone there with me in this.

I need hmmm I wish to have someone to be here with me in this darkness... a hug from someone who knows the truth of how I'm really doing, someone to hold my hand and who won't run away from the reality that I explain to them...

I was thinking also that maybe I'll never know true happiness... that I'm going to be stuck like this forever... I have no idea how to strike a balance between the two sides

but all I know today is that the fears are still winning...

Mentally I'm struggling with the dark, powerful, destructive thoughts and physically it's hard to keep my eyes open... I need to write... 

All I can do is keep holding on...

There is a numbness to the day that makes it feel like nothing is real but even taking a deep breath hurts somewhere deep inside my chest because it's the very thing that keeps me alive.... I'm tired I don't want to have to hold it together any more... I want to let some of this fight show just because I'm exhausted of being the strong, sorted person everyone expects me to be...

Rascal Flatts - What Hurts The Most

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

numb...

Grief is not unlike being lost out at sea; waves of different emotions continuously crash over you and you feel as if the current will sweep you out even farther from what you once thought was normal... this time my grief is a lot different... I have to force myself to get out of bed at least every four days ... but I am exhausted and numb... I am crushed under the weight of the constant numbness. I am not able to feel anything... I have few friends here and most of them just emailed me or texted me saying "I don´t know what to say" ... I already figured that I am lonely ... 

My dad and I have always been extremely close. Even before I was fully delivered, my dad was holding my head up and I grabbed onto his thumb. My mother said I had him wrapped around my finger ever since.  I’ve always been a daddy’s girl.  We understood each other like no one else, probably because we were so much alike. He was my favorite and best friend.

I knew for quite awhile that I didn’t have much longer with my dad as he had been slowly losing his health.  There’s nothing worse in this world than watching someone you love so much slowly slip away and not being able to do a thing about it.  Nothing prepared you to see your dad barely breathing, eating and without talking.  I kept praying for a miracle, hoping that the dad I once knew would come back even for just 1 day.   

There’s not a single day that I don’t think about my dad and miss him like crazy.  I still pick up the phone to call to his cell phone ...  If I could give up every item I own, every penny in my bank account, and every level of “status” or whatever else is connected to my name, I would.  I would give it all up just to spend one full day with my dad, because I just miss him that much.

I love you so much dad, too much, and I can't bear to acknowledge the truth. I can't even write it. I miss you so much. I want my daddy back.

Nothing's OK any more, Dad... you were the one who was supposed to tell me that it was all going to be OK. 

I just wish I could talk to you and give you one more hug.

I love you with all my heart...