even breathing hurts....

So 'healthy people' say the journey is more important than the destination. I don't necessarily disagree. But I'd like to change that statement a little bit and then maybe tell you some of the stories as to why I think that the journey is sometimes more valuable than the destination. 

Especially when you don't actually know where you're headed. Where are you going? You are travelling in the same direction as me right now but I guess our destinations are not the same. I'd like to tell you about some of the journey so far and why sometimes it really is more valuable than the destination...

Sometimes I dream of making a difference to just one young person's life .... I dream of waking up tomorrow and not having to put on the auto pilot face that tells the world that I'm OK and that I believe in the future. But really being that person and really being there in the situations life throws at me... I dream of knowing what makes me happy, of having that life and not having to think 'what should I be doing?' but just being me. 

But at the end of the day, all these dreams fade into the darkness and I struggle to know why I would want to wake up tomorrow or what even the purpose of the human race is anyway. 

So I think I have a dream... I dream of having a dream... 

...it feels like this blanket of darkness is settling over my shoulders and doesn't want to go away... even as I have been fighting over the last week, I give up, I'm exhausted.

I've not been sleeping well, I have very little appetite but am still eating and I often feel my eyes filling with tears ...

Being alone is horrible but my friends ... they have no more words left to say... I have to do this on my own....It's not fair to make them uncomfortable and worried when there's nothing that makes it go away.

Today I woke up aching all over as if I'd run in my sleep ... my head pounding as though I drank too much last night when I didn't drink at all!... Today I woke up with tears in my eyes... I feel lost, empty and alone.

I'm not strong enough to fight it on my own... I need someone to be there, right now that could be anyone... I've taken to holding my own hand and closing my eyes, at least then I can almost believe that there's someone there with me in this.

I need hmmm I wish to have someone to be here with me in this darkness... a hug from someone who knows the truth of how I'm really doing, someone to hold my hand and who won't run away from the reality that I explain to them...

I was thinking also that maybe I'll never know true happiness... that I'm going to be stuck like this forever... I have no idea how to strike a balance between the two sides

but all I know today is that the fears are still winning...

Mentally I'm struggling with the dark, powerful, destructive thoughts and physically it's hard to keep my eyes open... I need to write... 

All I can do is keep holding on...

There is a numbness to the day that makes it feel like nothing is real but even taking a deep breath hurts somewhere deep inside my chest because it's the very thing that keeps me alive.... I'm tired I don't want to have to hold it together any more... I want to let some of this fight show just because I'm exhausted of being the strong, sorted person everyone expects me to be...