I know if I jump, you will caught me....
It still feels unreal, like it’s not really happening. I still expect to speak to him on the phone. There is nothing like this pain ... my dad, that one person in my life that has always been there, that should always be there. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, are we ever ready to say goodbye? There was so much I wanted him to see and do. Will he ever know how much I loved him? How much I will always love him?
I’m learning... it’s not as easy as people make it seem to be. It doesn’t matter how old you or your parents are when they die, their passing is one of the most difficult things in the world to deal with. I used to think that I need to be strong for others... put on a strong face, and even a smile, and talk about him lovingly. But then I may need to rush to the bathroom to let go of the tears in private.
So does it get any easier after one month? Not really. Not for me. Actually now is more difficult... now I start getting the more normal images of my father when I think of him: my father lying on his bed in his bedroom telling me stories, my father sitting in his favorite lazy-boy chair watching TV, my father telling one of his dirty jokes and laughing. Now it’s getting worse. Almost everything reminds me of my dad. When I’m sad about something I remember my dad because he’s the person I’d always go to for advice or consoling.
The dreams have been intense as well. I dream about him a lot. I wake up from these dreams missing my father terribly ...
Sometimes at a moment I feel like I lose the ability to act. It’s like falling down an abyss at uncontrollable speed. I can´t see nothing around me and I have no idea where I am headed. I just know I am falling, and my entire world appears to be shutting down. Everything crashes into nothingness.... so, what now? What next?
There are days I am just numb... how can the death of a precious, kind, loving and supportive father be a blessing. Someone please tell me how to stop this pain, its like a shard of glass has just gone through my chest.
I feel so hopeless and lost. Life is dead without you and I feel an empty hole inside... I just want to run away, and hide... I can’t breath dad without you ... I can’t bare the feeling I have inside... I wonder why I'm alive in the world... I can't take it anymore.... Wow how many times have I thought of dying...
I have never experienced this pain... I have no family and nobody to talk to. I haven't had a conversation with anyone in so long that I don't know how any more and I'm becoming afraid of dealing with people. I truly have nothing left to live for...
No comments:
Post a Comment