Grief is not unlike being lost out at sea; waves of different emotions continuously crash over you and you feel as if the current will sweep you out even farther from what you once thought was normal... this time my grief is a lot different... I have to force myself to get out of bed at least every four days ... but I am exhausted and numb... I am crushed under the weight of the constant numbness. I am not able to feel anything... I have few friends here and most of them just emailed me or texted me saying "I don´t know what to say" ... I already figured that I am lonely ...
My dad and I have always been extremely close. Even before I was fully delivered, my dad was holding my head up and I grabbed onto his thumb. My mother said I had him wrapped around my finger ever since. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. We understood each other like no one else, probably because we were so much alike. He was my favorite and best friend.
I knew for quite awhile that I didn’t have much longer with my dad as he had been slowly losing his health. There’s nothing worse in this world than watching someone you love so much slowly slip away and not being able to do a thing about it. Nothing prepared you to see your dad barely breathing, eating and without talking. I kept praying for a miracle, hoping that the dad I once knew would come back even for just 1 day.
There’s not a single day that I don’t think about my dad and miss him like crazy. I still pick up the phone to call to his cell phone ... If I could give up every item I own, every penny in my bank account, and every level of “status” or whatever else is connected to my name, I would. I would give it all up just to spend one full day with my dad, because I just miss him that much.
I love you so much dad, too much, and I can't bear to acknowledge the truth. I can't even write it. I miss you so much. I want my daddy back.
Nothing's OK any more, Dad... you were the one who was supposed to tell me that it was all going to be OK.
I just wish I could talk to you and give you one more hug.
I love you with all my heart...
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