'A Song For Noah' - Stylusboy

Every time I look at you big blue eyes 

I see a light that’s burning oh so bright 

I pray it lasts until you leave home. 

There’s not rush cause I’m not letting go. 

Open up those big blue eyes 

Stare at me so I know 

I see a life full of hope 

Don’t let go don’t let it fall away 

Hold my hand 

And I’ll show you the way 

Hold my hand 

And I’ll guide you along the way 

Every time I I look upon those eyes 

I say thanks for your life 

Wipe the tears from those eyes 

It’s alright cause I’m not letting go. 

Hold my hand 

And I’ll show you the way 

Hold my hand 

And I’ll guide you along the way 

I’ll guide you along the way 

I’ll guide you along the way 

I’ll guide you along the way

I Will Never Be the Same ....

My Dad died and since then I know I will never be the same.

I will never be the same . . . as I was before. My Dad took my soul with him, a piece that will never return. I am incomplete without him. 

I will never be the same . . . as someone who hasn’t lost a parent. One of the hardest things about losing a parent is feeling that nobody understands. Even worse is feeling different and seeing those differences every day. It hurts, it’s lonely, and there are some days you’d do almost anything to be the same . . . as you were... People can't say you were never here for me 'cause you were here my whole life, when I needed you in my heart you would be.... You taught me things like how to grow...

you taught me never to let go...

I had never before experienced this kind of loss. I have lost my grandmother when I was 10 years old and the pain was terrible back on the time ... but that comes remotely close to the loss of my daddy. I knew it would be hard when it happened. I just didn’t realize it would feel this… I’ve always known that a large part of my self-identity was linked to my father. He has been such a huge influence in my life. Losing him has been like having the very foundations of my identity experience a serious messy situation ... like an hurricane ...

My dad was ill. He knew and we knew he’d die eventually. None of that makes any of this any easier. He was my confidante and main supporter. I could tell him anything. I discussed my problems with him and he gave me advice. When I did something interesting, I wanted him to be the first person to know about it. 

The hurt is the same ... nooooo some days the pain is stronger it makes me sick and weak ... I can’t stand this much longer ... I locked myself in a box...  I’m thinking, I’m 40 years old, many people loose a parent in their 30’s or 20’s, and some when they are teens or just kids. What right do I have to feel so bad, these other people had their parents around for a much less time. 

Daddy, it's been a week.... STILL miss you a lot.... I think I'll see you again in a short while. 

PS: I am so proud of you dad brave and strong to the end ....

Goodnight Daddy .....

I miss you so much. I have dreams again and again in which I make plans with you .... Dad, I miss you so much that it physically hurts me. There are times when I feel like I can’t breathe, like my chest is going to explode. I know that you will always be there and of course in my heart, but I don’t know if that will be enough for me. You are the best and ideal man I have ever known.  You are my best friend, my best buddy since I was a baby. You taught me so much — you gave me the world. I have so much to be grateful for, but I feel shorted.

For my whole life, you stood behind me, supporting me, encouraging me, getting me out of trouble, teaching me, getting after me, loving me. You have done a wonderful job of preparing me for the difficulties and the joys of life, but I feel lost  anyway. I love you so deeply. As I sit here typing this and crying, I see your smiling face, I feel your big solid slap on the back, I hear you say “I love you.”  Thank you for always being there for me, no matter what; thank you for teaching me about everything, and for learning about the things that I was interested in that you didn’t know about; thank you for your honesty, since I was a little girl; thank you for your friendship; thank you for respecting my opinion and talking to me like I was an adult even when I was little; thank you for sharing your life with me; thank you for teaching me about right and wrong and showing me the courage to step forward to do right and challenge wrong; thank you for being a gentleman, thank you for demanding that I do my best; thank you for a lifetime of love, support, kindness, warmth and friendship; thank you for teaching me how to win and how to lose with class; thank you for war movies; thank you for the world that you brought me and for all the good things I am.

Goodnight Daddy, I love you,

Sia - Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again 
I have been here many times before 
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame 

Be my friend 
Hold me, wrap me up 
Unfold me 
I am small 
And needy 
Warm me up 
And breathe me 

Ouch I have lost myself again 
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, 
Yeah I think that I might break 
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend 
Hold me, wrap me up 
Unfold me 
I am small 
And needy 
Warm me up 
And breathe me 

cruel world...

Such a Cruel Cruel World..

We all feel like giving up sometimes, at one point or another in our lives. It's tough when life pushes you to the edge and the whole world seems to be going against you. It's harder when you're all alone and there's no one to turn to. Even harder when desperation and fear cloud your mind. Solutions seem impossible to find. Everything seems wrong, you feel lost.

Take a deep breath. Take the time to just sit back, and allow yourself to just forget about everything for one moment. Forget about the disappointment, forget about the frustration, forget about the resentment. And while you're doing that, allow yourself to listen to some music. Don't underestimate the power of music. Music is a powerful medium. Music can make you feel differently. Music can sometimes move you, make you feel certain way. We all have our own favorite we will turn to when we feel certain way, if you don't, below are my suggestions, the 10 good songs you should listen to when you feel like giving up on life, for the hope that they will somehow help you see things in a brighter perspective.

I don’t know about any of this any more. I try not to get into this feelings, into this temptation to end everything but lately it has just become to much. Never have I experienced it this bad, to the point where I actually wake up in the morning extremely disappointed and wishing that God would have finally answered my prayers and just taken me.

I try hard for others going through this and I tell them to keep strong, just to hold on but look at me! I can’t even listen to myself! I can’t even hold on, It’s like everything I once had just appears so distant now. Everything I’ve ever wanted in life has suddenly stopped being what I want. Now, I’ll I want is to stop this pain, be happy even if being happy comes within my last few breaths of life…..

This month, much like many others, has been completely insane.  I hate it so much. I feel out of place no matter where I go. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

Do you ever hate yourself for waking up in the morning? Or for how you look in the mirror? .... Things are getting so bad... I'm fucked up. In more ways than one. I've made bad decision after bad decision and I'm still on that road. 

Bottom line?

I'm going into a bad place again. Well, a lower place than what I was at. I'm scared of being alone with myself but I also scared of people ........

Why do I feel so sad? why do I feel so much pain? Why do I go for days at a time without eating or sleeping? why people are so selfish? why people forget about compassion? .........why? why? why?

These are the things that I think about all the time. I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I'm sorry if I screwed up. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough. I feel horrible. 

Numbness is better than pain. I'm hurting so bad and no one understand that. Its so frustrating. I can't take all of the judging and criticizing and everything else. 

How can they do this? Why?

How can they all do this to me? How can my relatives want to hurt me so badly? How can everyone betray me so easily when I need them the most. 

How is everyone SO selfish when I strive to live my life to be as selfless as I can? I just don't understand. Why did all of this happen to me? What did I do to deserve it? 

I know they say life's not fair, and trust me I know that, but this is just taking it above and beyond the normal realms of typical "life obstacles". 

My life has gone to shit and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it or make it better. Im completely lost and alone. Am I going to make it out of this mess alive? I really just don't think so. 

I can't take my family ... just my dad and they don´t want me to see him. It's so unhealthy for me. 

That's all I have to say about anything anymore. How and why. It just doesn't make sense. Doesn't add up. 

Please tell me. How do I stop hurting this bad. 

Lately I just feel really...numb. And at peace. And that's not good, because I'm never at peace. It makes me think that I subconsciously made my decision. And not a good one, if you know what I mean. I don't know..I just have a bad feeling about tomorrow. 

How the hell do I get outside of my head? I don't want to be trapped like this. I want to feel better. I don't want to be in this situation. That's it. That's my goal in life. To stop all the pain. No one listens to me long enough to take me seriously anyway. It sucks. 

I can't. I've never felt this much pain in my life and I need it to stop. 

What if I was stronger?

What if it had happened after I met all the new people in my life. Could that have helped me? Offered me other solutions?

What if my mother cared?

What if it was a different girl?

What if she wanted the same thing I wanted?

What if I listened to myself and not anybody else?

Eminem - Beautiful (OFFICAL MUSIC VIDEO) FULL UNCENSORED

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own

Everybody has a private world where they can be alone

Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through

Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?

I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump

If I could just get over this hump

But I need something to pull me out this dump,

I took my bruises, took my lumps

Fell down and I got right back up

But I need that spark to get psyched back up

In order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in

I'm starting to feel distant again

So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent

But I just can't admit

Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap

I need a new outlet, I know some shit's so hard to swallow

And I just can't sit back and wallow

In my own sorrow

But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow

I'll be one tough act to follow

Here today, gone tomorrow

But you have to walk a thousand miles

[Chorus:]

In my shoes, just to see

What it's like, to be me

I'll be you, let's trade shoes

Just to see what it'd be like to

Feel your pain, you feel mine

Go inside each other's mind

Just to see what we find

Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful, oh

They can all get fucked.

Just stay true to you

So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful

Oh, they can all get fucked.

Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor

Everything is so tense and gloom

I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room

Just as soon as I walk in

It's like all eyes on me

So I try to avoid any eye contact

'cause if I do that then it opens a door for conversation

Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention

I just want to be just like you

Blend in with the rest of the room

Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant

Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass

Laugh at every single joke I crack

And half of them ain't even funny like

"Ah, Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn"

Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down?

Listen to the tale I'm about to tell

Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes

And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

[Chorus]

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful

Oh They can all get fucked.

Just stay true to you so

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful

Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so

Nobody asked for life to deal us

With these bullshit hands we're dealt

We have to take these cards ourselves

And flip them, don't expect no help

Now I could have either just

Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned

Or take this situation in which I'm placed in

And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid

To wait by the door and pack his bags

Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed

For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in

At every single place

Every school I went

I dreamed of being that cool kid

Even if it meant acting stupid

Aunt Edna always told me keep makin' that face it'll get stuck like that

Meanwhile I'm just standin' there

Holdin' my tongue tryna talk like this

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old

I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryna impress my friends no mo'

But I already told you my whole life story

Not just based on my description

'cause where you see it from where you're sitting

Is probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile

In each other's shoes, at least

What size you wear? I wear tens

Let's see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]

[Outro:]

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own

Everybody has a private world where they can be alone...

So are you calling me, are you trying to get through, oh?

Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you?

So oh oh

Yea... To my babies. Stay strong.

Daddy will be home soon

And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes

That fit you, so put 'em on and wear 'em

And be yourself, man, be proud of who you are

Even if it sounds corny,

Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful

ESPERS - Cruel Storm (HD)

Oh, cruel storm 

Cruel sailor, cruel land 

They take what they'd sooner sell 

To some foreign land 

From my highest tower 

I see just how he stands and sways 

Whispered my lie 

There is a happy land 

For the weary maid 

Oh, splendid lady

Steals time with your heels

I watched your eyes fill with delight

As your hounds take the wild fox down

You're wicked, ugly

Wines placed at your side

The black thorns might be smarter

But then they might be free

Light darkness once more

Light my sailor's home again

With a vaguely crueler kind

As light bleeds from the sky

I watch our heart die

Cold moonbeams lived my time

Pass, true loves, by once more

And it will be splendid

Eddie Vedder - Long Nights

Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off
Than I was before

I've got this light
I'll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall

Long nights allow
Me to feel I'm falling
I am falling

The lights go out
Let me feel I'm falling
I am falling
safely to the ground

I'll take this soul
That's inside me now
Like a brand new friend
I'll forever know

I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before

Long nights allow
Me to feel I'm falling
I am falling

The lights go out
Let me feel I'm falling
I am falling
safely to the ground

pillow....

I was always in the dark and continuely fighting always afraid to fall asleep, and to let my head rest on the pillow...   the pain still kills...

My memory is acting up on me still. The past is in the present. I’m physically throwing punches at it in the quiet of my room. Wrestling it away because it won’t stop bothering me. Teeth gritted, heart pounding, and anger brewing. Many have said what’s done is done the past is past. Oh I do agree. It would help if my brain could seriously comprehend this because I even say this aloud (enough for me to hear) to give it less power. No doing it says to me. The memory is playing tricks in the short term. Nearly putting food in the closet, turning off the sprinkler when I just turned it on only to be told I actually turned it off the moment I went inside. And I don’t remember a thing. I must be getting worse.

People will get to see something raw and unedited for a limited time. I am tired of being ashamed of that. The limited time…Because that too…is apart of me.

... trying to believe ...

“To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.”

Love everyone and everything, without attaching strings and without judging them.

Have personal regard and respect for the people you meet. Treat them as equals and not inferior or superior in any way.

Work on the principle that everyone is, at heart, good. Assume that although they may do questionable things, the person underneath is fundamentally pure.

If you love someone unconditionally, then you cannot judge or blame them or find them bad.

Unconditional love works well in relationships too. If you do not put conditions on your partner, then you open the doors for a much more fulfilling and trusting relationship.

If universal unconditional love is difficult for you, start with your family and people you know. Or just try it in a single conversation.

Or, if you just find the word 'love' too difficult at the moment, try starting with 'regard'. Unconditional regard is still very good and may be more acceptable for those who focus more on thinking than feeling.

Unconditional love means love without condition. It means giving love without expecting anything in return, including any reciprocal love. Unhappiness comes from unfulfilled desire. If you can love without desire, then you can only be happy.

This can be a difficult route to happiness, yet it is one where a great deal of happiness can be found. The more you can stretch your love, the happier you can be.

Unconditional love is nothing to do with romance. It does not want anything from the other person, though it may want everything for them. It is not about desire and possession; it is about appreciation and concern.

One principle, from the field of psychoanalysis is that we have an inner true self that is too vulnerable to expose, so we cover it up with the mask of a false self. Unconditional love is of the true self. Perhaps also it comes from the true self. In this way, it may be considered as the most real and truthful form of affection and bonding.

By showing you care about that inner core, you can get much closer to the person and connect with them in a more truthful and rewarding way.

Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Buddhism teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all.

But if your relationship, be it friendship or romantic love, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?

How do we do what is best for ourselves without damaging the heart and mind of someone else in the process?

Love and relationships require work and responsibility. We have to learn when to stretch and when to break.

For a long time I didn’t believe I would find love so I subconsciously chose partners who I knew would be a challenge. I am no longer interested in this challenge. I told myself when my last relationship failed that I would never put myself in a situation where I didn’t know where I stood in someone’s life again; where I felt unsteady and unloved. 

Love is a gift.

Let people into your life who accept you and love you without judgment.... Tough! let me tell you....  You will be able to grow and learn and love freely without fear. You will start to receive the type of love that you are trying to give, and you will continue to become the person you truly want to be.  You will avoid the types of people that can hurt you and bring you down.  You will stop being hurtful and damaging to others.

Once you are able to love yourself openly and without judgment, then you have the power to love others the same exact way.  It's the path to healthy relationships.  It's the path to true love.

To love someone without expecting anything in return is possibly the hardest love to find and to give and it is truly a special thing. 

It is hard to give to someone love without expecting anything back, but sometimes a situation can deteriorate to such an extent that the other person is incapable of giving anything back to you in return. Maybe their mental condition has taken a turn for the worst, or  they just find it hard to express love, or maybe they are just not in love with you, for example. Having an unconditional commitment to someone means loving them despite not ever receiving anything back from them and any selfish desire to receive love needs to be put aside in that situation. 

Family hmm ....

I feel so overwhelmed, I want out. My family never listens, so much fucking aggression. Everything is my fault. I want it to stop. Im so over my head, I just want someone to listen. I want something in my life that makes it worth it. I’m so sick of the fucking expectations and lectures and screaming!!!! I just want someone to be civil! No one will talk to me, Im fucking alone. They just get angry and yell when I talk about my feelings. I want relief, I want to be able to breathe easy and sleep and not start crying when I lay down alone. I have no comfort, no back- up, nothing. I’m sick of being alone, I’m so fucking sick of feeling this way.  I’m so tired of my family, they don’t see what they do it. I’m a loser, unworthy, dissapointing daugther and I should feel bad about myself and agree with everything they say. I’m sick of having my emotions ignored. I just wish I could forever, forget what i’m living. Forget the fact that I’m an unworthy disgusting waste. I don’t want to go through it. These…awful people sleep at night…how fucking dare they. How dare they sleep so freaking soundly while I’m crying everytime I think too hard. 

I JUST CAN’T ANYMORE, I REALLY CAN’T. I’m sick of the facts, I’m so sick of these people. I want this to end, I just want to get it over with. I wish they’d fucking forget about me. The burden of the fucking family.  Existing is so…complicated. So freaking staggering and lonely and misunderstood.

I really hate my family. I honestly do, I’m tired of being ridiculed because i’m not some smiley, happy- go- lucky, straight- a getting miracle child. I just want to be appreciated, no matter what i do. My self- esteem feels..so, so low. I can’t begin to articulate the depth of the disdain I feel for myself. I just want to go away. Everything is crumbling, and there is no fucking shoulder to cry on, nothing. I’m incredibly tired, my throat hurts, my chest hurts, my eyes are welling up with tears, they saw it, they know. Nothing.  I get no care. No warmth. Not shit.  If I mention anything, i get screeched at, I’m scared to even express anything. this is awful....

Getting Sick of It…

Every day i wake up and wonder why cant i just sleep forever?...

I’m Getting Sick of It…

I spend every second of every single day trying to make sure that I am “alive”. 

I used to love who I was, but now, I just want to erase the image in the mirror. I want to disappear...

Hint: If you’ve been depressed for years, the odds are, years from now you’ll still be depressed....

Time to finally accept that life is a random walk. It may bounce up and down a little here and there, but where you are emotionally today is very likely where you will be years from now. This whole “I’ll give it one more chance” is bullshit. Life is just going to take that “one more chance” and fucking do with it whatever it did with the last fifty chances.

Are you generally a happy person but feeling down right now? Good news: you’ll likely return to your norm soon and be happy again.

Are you generally an unhappy person and been like that for the last few years? In that case you’ll likely stay that way for a very long while, most likely the rest of your life.

Time to face it: this IS as good as it gets.

Why must we suffer? And why does it seem like it’s all in vain? I am beginning to think that my own suffering is surely in vain; it doesn’t make me a stronger person or build my character, or give me any new insight.  It simply sucks the life from me like a parasite. If I knew somehow that I had a future, a real chance, perhaps I could push through.

I wonder how many of us would be able to make it through if we just had something (or someone) to validate our existence on this earth–– to just validate our suffering, and to tell us that it’s not in vain, and that we are meaningful in all of our imperfection and misery.

Evanescence - My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here 

Suppressed by all my childish fears 

And if you have to leave 

I wish that you would just leave 

'Cause your presence still lingers here 

And it won't leave me alone 

These wounds won't seem to heal 

This pain is just too real 

There's just too much that time cannot erase 

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears 

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears 

And I held your hand through all of these years 

But you still have 

All of me 

You used to captivate me 

By your resonating life 

Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind 

Your face it haunts 

My once pleasant dreams 

Your voice it chased away 

All the sanity in me 

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone 

But though you're still with me 

I've been alone all along 

Alone means nobody can hurt you...

Stages to eternity…

homelessness…

hopelessness…

lifelessness…

Worried faces stare at me I try and hide the agony, buried within, so deep inside so fucking deep that I no longer cry nothing helps to cure the pain blood from my wrists like crimson rain so sad and helpless what can you do when you have no one to turn to. I close my eyes, get some sleep, silent tears no longer weep,feel like nobody has to know an eternal slumber i will go... eyelids heavy drift away to a hopeful bright and newer place... How lost I was, when I found out the outcome of my chosen route,

my minds racing, so constantly I hardly have time to breathe... who knew the choice to just give up would lead to a neverending depression.

I have been feeling very lonely for a while now. No friends, no family, no one who truly understands me. No one cares about me and i start questioning my purpose to life. Life at the moment is very boring and meaningless.  I find out that i can always be replaced and forgotten by others. So this is a battle i already gave up. I even count it as a blessing so I don’t have to think about how to die. Today, I thought to myself, what’s the point of making things messy? I will die sooner or later anyways…

It does suck to be stuck in between anticipating death and death itself I must say. You see the world in a totally different perspective and the harsh reality of hunam nature. Be prepared, find inner peace, let everything go. People used to matter to me but not anymore. It’s because I realized that I never mattered to them. I’m waiting for my eternal sleep and next life.

The importance of silence. The sin of noise. Contemplate.

The thought of death sometimes gives me this warm tingly feeling inside. The thought of never having to worry about my life, or about what I am going to do with my life gives me a high. I still have so much to do still. I walk away and remember that this is the only life I have and will ever have. I walk away and get into bed, I look at the walls with pictures of my friends I smile a little inside and I reach into my nightstand and close my eyes and go to sleep and hope tomorrow I wont get such a good feeling when I think about death.

People who are "healthy" trying to make you feel better its pretty annoying... whenever my friends or family is trying to make me feel better, seeing that im in a pretty bad shape they just say something like: oh think of someone who is worse off than you... I mean, I get it ok? there’s always going to be someone who’s in a worse situation than me but here’s the thing about when you say that thinking about all that, the people who are close to me with cancer, starving, hurting…. well sometimes i cant deal with it it just makes me more depressed also i know they probably don´t mean this but it just feels like they’re trying to say my life is fine and that none of it is fucked up!!! trust me, the last thing i want is sympathy, but it just feels like no one really understands exactly what IM going through, which is true, no one else in this whole fucked up world is going through the same exact thing i am going through and that makes it really hard to open up to anyone.

Try to do

NO ES JUSTO

La vida no es justa, acostúmbrate a ello. Y cuando las cosas van mal, siempre llega la famosa pregunta de todos ¿Porqué a ellas? ¿Porqué a otros les va bien? ¿La vida está en contra de la gente buena? Jódanse! Nada es justo, nada va a ser justo porque así tiene que ser. Es .. como un juego, donde tenemos que cuidarnos de las trampas que se nos ponen enfrente, y que tenemos que estar listos para que ver que es lo que nos conviene y que es lo que no. A veces encontramos pequeños obstáculos en el camino que hacen detener nuestra marcha hacia adelante. A veces nos cargamos con el cuento de que TODO está bien, cuando en realidad algunas cosas están mal. Siempre son pequeños malos momentos o malas experiencias que vivimos pero tal es así que llega un momento en donde nuestro vaso se llena, es como decir que ya no aguantamos tantos problemas, tantas mentiras, tanta maldad que nos rodea y que queremos desaparecer. Supongo que nos pasa a todos en algún momento de nuestras vidas... Llegué a la conclusión de que en esos momentos de desesperación no hay que pensar mucho, solo hay que mirar alrededor y rescatar todo lo positivo que te pasa, acordarte de esos momentos felices que algunas las pasaste. Acordarse de que hay luchar, hay que seguir adelante, porque la vida es así y siempre lo va a ser. Asi que acostumbrémonos a la vida, porque sólo vinimos al mundo para una cosa: Para aprender de los errores no solo nuestros sino de todos y convertirnos en grandes seres humanos.

Archive - Lights

It hurts to feel

It hurts to hear

It hurts to face it

It hurts to hide

It hurts to touch

It hurts to wake up

It hurts to remember

It hurts to hold on

Turn my head

The hurt's relentless

The hurt of emptiness

The hurt of wanting

The hurt of going on

The hurt of missing

The hurt is killing me

Turn my head

Off

Forever

Turn it off

Forever

Off forever

Turn it off forever

Ever blind 

today...

My sadness is turning into anger, I know that the lack of food is contributing to my irritation but I can’t help to feel abandoned. Out of all the people that said they love me why has no one called? My family doesn´t know about me and how I feel.... I just want to stop feeling this way, I want the pain in my stomach to put me to sleep so I wont have to wait endlessly for someone close to tell me they love me. Only a couple of days and I’ll begin to lose my mind as I die.

This sadness, in turn, fills me with guilt.  What right do I have to be clinically depressed when there are so many others out there going through much tougher times than I am? With these thoughts, I feel even more depressed.  This then feeds my guilt, which then feeds my depression.

I need more in order to live, i need to have the confidence that i can get through it. i need to have the skills to accomplish what i want to accomplish. i need to be able to like myself. i need to be self-actualized... my life needs to have more meaning than: “preventing people i know from experiencing the suicide of someone they knew”.

So i live another day in this limbo. neither committed to life or to death... I need to change something. i’m already going insane .....

Sometimes i wonder why i even try … i wonder why im here…i wonder why i dont just give up and end it all…ive been juged, critizied, blamed, ect. i wonder why im still here…ive almost died so many times but someone was always there to bring me back, but they dont stay they leave and never come back, and i wonder why they did it if they were just gonna leave me feeling more alone then before……

To some, the cigarette is a portable therapist....

Tobacco is a dirty weed.  I like it.
It satisfies no normal need.  I like it.
It makes you thin, it makes you lean,
It takes the hair right off your bean
It's the worst darn stuff I've ever seen.
I like it.

~Graham Lee Hemminger, Tobacco

A few non-sense thoughts ....

My “What if?” turned into “Should I?”. Then that “Should I?” turned into “When should I?”. Soon after that, “When should I?” turned into “How should I?”. It all starts with one thought. That one thought drew in so much pain. 

Then your feelings start to become dangerous. But you don’t want anyone to know, right? So you lie. You lie about your feelings. You lie behind your smile. You lie to yourself. All we want is to be happy. Sometimes we can’t remember the last time we were happy. Sometimes the last time we were happy drives in how everything went wrong after that. It only takes one thought.

Sometimes being strong is all you got.

I realized that I’m not really good at anything besides listening to people. I’ve always wanted to become a writer, photographer, artist, music maker. I think I’m not good at any of those things. Anything really, besides listening to people. Having that be my career… Listening to people  but once again; no one listening to me,

It hurts me . It seems stupid but it does.Now don’t get me wrong, I love helping people… I just wanted to do something else.

I try hard for others going through their pain and I tell them to keep strong, just to hold on but look at me! I can’t even listen to myself! I can’t even hold on, It’s like everything I once had just appears so distant now. Everything I’ve ever wanted in life has suddenly stopped being what I want. Now, I’ll I want is to stop this pain…..

I see very little hope in life. I have a PhD, I make decent money, I like my job — but I have nobody to love hmmm share this with honestly. What am I doing wrong? I am a nice person. I tell the truth. I am not mean. I try to look nice.  I am kind to people. I try to be good.

Day, after day, after day my feeling of guilt is stronger, and I am weaker… now I wanna stop being like this... Or should I do the opposite…? Maybe should I stop lying, and saying , that everything is OK, and I’m fine, and start telling people the truth… ? No…

No, they don’t care. Nobody cares ... I don’t wanna torture people and telling them how fucking bad I feel… But the only thing I want is someone who will really care about me. Someone, who will hug me and tell me I’m important and… uh… it’s not gonna happen… never. But I’m really trying…now I just would like to say everybody “I’m sorry” and… leave…

Hopelessness… I hate to say it but I’ve heard it from so many sources. Just be happy! Maybe there’s something horribly wrong with me but I can’t push myself to be happy. I should be though-from the outside my life kind of seems pretty fucking OK... hmmm sometimes. Nowadays I feel guilty and anxious because I can’t bring myself to enjoy it. It’s there, right in front of me but forcing myself to be happy?

It’s easy to tell people to be happy when you don’t suffer ...  It’s easy to see things in black and white when you’re not so fucked up you cry suddenly, while doing the dishes, for no apparent reason.

Keep Calm and Carry On ...

So what is this Keep Calm and Carry On thing all about then?

Keep Calm and Carry On was a propaganda poster produced by the Government of the United Kingdom in 1939 during the beginning of the Second World War, intended to raise the morale of the British public in the event of a Nazi invasion of Britain. It had only limited distribution, and thus was little known. The poster was rediscovered in 2000 and has been re-issued by a number of private companies, and used as the decorative theme for a range of products. It was believed there were only two known surviving examples of the poster outside government archives until a collection of 15 originals was brought in to the Antiques Roadshow in 2012 by the daughter of an ex-Royal Observer Corps member.

In 2000, a copy of the "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster was rediscovered in Barter Books, a second-hand bookshop in Alnwick, Northumberland. Since Crown Copyright expires on artistic works created by the UK government after 50 years, the image is now in the public domain.[7] The store's owners, Stuart and Mary Manley, were thus able to reprint copies at customers' requests, as did others, inside and outside Britain. It has inspired ranges of clothing, mugs, doormats, baby clothes and other merchandise from various vendors, as well as a book of motivational quotations. Parodies of the poster, with similar type but changing the phrase or the logo (for example, an upside-down crown with "Now Panic and Freak Out"), have also been sold.

The poster's popularity has been attributed to a "nostalgia for a certain British character, an outlook" according to the Bagehot column in The Economist, that it "taps directly into the country's mythic image of itself: unshowily brave and just a little stiff, brewing tea as the bombs fall. "Its message has also been felt relevant to the late-2000s recession and has been adopted as an unofficial motto by British nurses, the poster appearing in staff rooms on hospital wards with increasing frequency throughout the 2000s. Merchandise with the image has been ordered in bulk by American financial firms and advertising agencies, and it is also popular in Germany.

The poster has appeared on the walls of places as diverse as the Prime Minister's Strategy Unit at 10 Downing Street, the Lord Chamberlain's office at Buckingham Palace, and the United States embassy in Belgium. The Manleys sold some 41,000 facsimile posters between 2001 and 2009.

Trademark claims:

In August 2011, it was reported that a UK-based company called Keep Calm and Carry On Ltd had registered the slogan as a community trade mark in the EU, after failing to trademark the slogan in the United Kingdom. They issued a take-down request against a seller of Keep Calm and Carry On products. Questions have been raised as to whether the registration could be challenged, as the slogan had been widely used before registration and is not recognisable as indicating trade origin. An application has been submitted by British intellectual property advisor and UK trademarking service Trade Mark Direct, to cancel the trademark on the grounds that the words are too widely used for one person to own the exclusive rights. The company is now trying to trademark globally in the United States and Canada. In early 2012, Barter Books Ltd, debuted an informational short "The Story of Keep Calm and Carry On". The video provided visual insight to the modernization of the phrase as well as details surrounding the commercialization. Once viral, the internet buzz for Keep Calm & Carry On regained traction and several media outlets picked up the story.

The Cult - Painted On My Heart

 I thought you'd be out of my mind

And I'd finally found a way to learn to live without you

I thought it was just a matter of time

Till I had a hundred reasons not to think about you

But it's just not so

And after all this time, I still can't let go

I've still got your face

Painted on my heart

Scrawled upon my soul

Etched upon my memory, baby

I've got your kiss 

Still burning on my lips

The touch of my fingertips

This love so deep inside of me, baby

I've tried everything that I can

To get my heart to forget you

But it just can't seem to

I guess it's just no use

In every part of me

Is still a part of you

And I've still got your face

Painted on my heart

Scrawled upon my soul

Etched upon my memory, baby

I've got your kiss

Still burning on my lips

The touch of her fingertips

This love so deep inside of me, baby

I've still got your face

Painted on my heart

Painted on my heart

Painted on my heart, oh baby

Something in your eyes keeps haunting me

I'm trying to escape you

And I know there ain't no way to

To chase you from my mind

I've still got your face

Painted on my heart

Scrawled upon my soul

Etched upon my memory baby

I've got your kiss 

Still burning on my lips

The touch of my fingertips

This love so deep inside of me, baby

I've still got your face

I've still got your face

Painted on my heart

Painted on my heart

Just checking on you ....

If you're alone, I'll be your shadow.  If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder.  If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow.  If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile.  But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.

She called me to my cell and just said "Hi I am here waiting for you to pick me up at the airport" ... she only has @ 40 free hours ... I went to pick her up and she looked at me for a moment ....  "hmmm I came to check on you" just that .... 

When I feel like I messed up or made a big mistake, it is because of you that I finally find forgiveness, acceptance, and reassurance.

When I’m thankful for an answered prayer or a long-held heart’s desire coming true, it is to you whom my heart immediately wants to thank.

When I’m scared, it’s to you that I turn to for safety and protection.

When I’m unsure about what direction to head in – it’s to you that I ask for advice and wisdom.

It’s because you mean everything to me... 

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. (HN)

Runaway ...

Lately, I’ve been trying to determine if I was born broken or if my life made me this way.

I mean, I can go down the list of my life experiences and lay out a path of the things that seem to have lead up to the way I am now. But, might not a better person, with better DNA or a better soul or whatever you believe to be at the core of us, have reacted differently to the same kind of life. Maybe I’m just not meant to be well, or worthy or happy.

I can’t sleep much at all anymore. My mind just races and races, and I can’t breathe.

I Love my parents and I try to believe that they Loved me.  I’ve never been successful in relationships because I think I don’t have anything to offer anyone. Although I am a good friend I just need people to remind me that.

I have people around me who tell me that I shouldn’t give up, but no one can really tell me why. They can’t point to a single reason or  tell me what the point of sticking around and fighting back would be. These friends of mine are attractive, intelligent and talented. They have people in their lives. They get to have sex. They get to go out and have fun and not be laughed at. They don’t actually understand the terrible, painful ordeal that my life is right now. They don’t grasp the idea that there’s nothing good waiting at the finish-line of fixing my problems. I’ll still be me, and “me” isn’t something that’s sufficient, in my case.

I want to rest, I am exhausted but I’m afraid because I don’t know if what I’m feeling is right. I’m always wrong about everything, so I’m probably wrong about this too. I just know that nothing ever works out for me and that anything I try at, I fail at.

I am still trying to cope with life when all-in-all I really cease to see the point anymore. All my life i’ve been strong as I can... but sometimes my best is never good enough.

Since yesterday I just want to runaway. Honestly, that’s my only hope for staying alive right now; but I don’t have the means. If I had somewhere to go, I would… and I would do anything, ANYTHING for the opportunity… but once again I am stuck… lost and hopeless…