People don´t change....

So I walk up on high and I step to the edge to see my world below and I laugh at myself while the tears roll down 'cause it's the world I know, it's the world I know. Collective Soul, "The World I Know"

It may make me sound like Dr. House, and it pains me to say it, but I really believe it to be true - people don't change.

You may want them to, but they won't... you may hope someone changes, but people are who they are.  All the wishing in the world won't change it.

I should know.  In the many years I've been a member of the human race, I've come to learn that people don't change...and yet, here I sit, year after year, hoping for change.  We make progress, we grow, but we never truly change who we are.  Yet, there are people who I wait for, year after year, to change.

Uncontrollably, we love who we love.  We trust who we trust.  We are drawn to people based not on the pain they can cause, but on the relationships they have to us.  The way they make us feel.  The way they make us smile.

Does it make me an idealist or an idiot?  If you were to ask Dr. House, he'd probably say the latter.  Well, idiot or idealist, I'll more than likely keep optimistically hoping that the human race proves me wrong.

It hasn't, yet.

Dr. House adage that autism seems to have conquered - "Everybody lies."  And they do.  I don't know a single person who doesn't lie.  Even me, who finds it so incredibly difficult to lie that I probably twitch when I do it (it's like my mind doesn't do lying, for some reason).  I lie about what people would consider "little white lies", and occasionally it gets me in trouble. 

It does seem like everybody lies.  It makes trust incredibly difficult.  Who do you trust if, everybody lies and, people don't change?  

“If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.” 

Two Months....

Dad,

Today it´s been two months since you passed and I still can't accept the fact that your gone! Life hasn't been the same without you by my side. You were always there for me, supportive and strong, no matter what ... miss you so much!!! my heart is broken and always keep thinking of you ... I keep thinking you are going to walk through the door or calling me by phone ... I love you so much ... you are my life, my best mate, my pal, my hero... I miss your hugs and the things you use to say. l miss your smile and your gentle way. Always and forever in my thoughts. All my love, Your loving daughter.

I won´t be able to make it ...

I never imagine how difficult will be ... there is no good time or way for someone you care about to die ... I keep writing because I want to share my sadness and express the loss I am feeling. 

I feel that I was left wandering in the dark, fumbling around to get our bearings... and what to do with all these feelings that suddenly appeared??? ... anger, frustration, a sense of abandonment, confusion, a sense of worthlessness, depression and a struggle to believe in a happy future hmmm nooooo in a future period. I cannot blame anyone for them. 

I know what I believe. I believe I’ll see him again, and I really do look forward to that day... there is a huge hole in my life now, where my dad once was. It’s hard to accept that he is simply gone, even if it’s to a much better place. It hurts, and it’s hard.

Anger can be unattractive, there’s no question about it. It’s messy and unpredictable, sometimes loud and violent. And in a world where we like things to make sense, it’s often unacceptable. But never was like now. There’s a long list of people I am angry with... myself, the doctors, God because why did He leave me alone? Why? Why?

I’m angry, and I don’t know what to do with my anger...  

The Veronicas- Heavily Broken

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken

Luther Van Dross-Dance With My Father Again

If I could get another chance
Another walk
Another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
How I'd love love love 
To dance with my father again

When I and my mother 
Would disagree
To get my way I would run 
From her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
yeah yeah
Then finally make me do 
Just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he 
Would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance
When final step 
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love love love to 
Dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how mama would cry for him
I'd pray for her even more than me
I'd pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much to much
But could you send her 
The only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But Dear Lord
She's dying to dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream

I can´t even breathe ...

I can't believe that is has been more than a month since you passed away ...  Honestly, I can't believe that I have survived this long without you.  I constantly miss your touch, laughter, comfort.  I look for you in all things and everywhere I go.  Sometimes, I think I hear you in words that other people speak, in music and in silence. 

You apologized for your perception of me taking care of you while you were sick.  I always told you that this was the easy part, the hard part was going to be living without you.  Everyday there is so much difficulties...  Life is bittersweet.  For moments of loveliness, I wonder why you can't be here.  In moments of hardship, I wonder why you can't be here.  Life, for me was so much easier with you here.  You provided the humor and comfort that only a father can do.  

You probably already know this, but with everything I set out to do, I think of you.  I wonder if I am doing things the right way. 

The other night, before sleep, I was waiting for a sign from you... please do not forget to check in, because I will always need you. 

I was thinking yesterday if people can die for a broken heart?!!

I love you with all my heart!

OMG Daddy ...

I'm sorry... I can´t forgive myself that I didn't make it to say goodbye to you....That was and still is the hardest thing ... you were the only person in this world that loved me unconditionaly and now I'm all alone... OMG daddy I miss you so much... 

I can't believe your gone. You were the strongest person I ever knew... If you could, give me your strength to get through this because I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on... the scary part is its just the beginning... Im trying so hard but now i have no one to depend on and it sucks. I miss have good time with you and love laugh with you. i miss your smile and laugh i love it...i always make  you laugh and you call me silly girl... I can't believe that Christmas is coming... thats would be hard for me without you on the first christmas / birthday ... 

Daddy, I am still questioning, still waiting for the answers....thank you daddy for loving me unconditionally…thank you for having been there for me all these years…thank you for teaching me everything I know now about life…thank you for taking good care of me…thank you for all the memories…Thank you for just being you…thank you for being my daddy and my best friend…

This will be my first christmas without you...  even the sight of christmas decorations is enough to make me unable to breathe. 

I know this man
Who is dear to my heart
Suddenly one day
It was torn all apart

This man taught me every thing
That I needed to know
But I never really listened
Until he had to go

He gave me love
And touched my life
Its all over now
He no longer has to fight

He tried to teach me
Right for wrong
The day he left
I wasn't that strong

He is gone now
It is hard to believe
This man is my dad
Who I will never see

But I will see him again
This I know
The day will come
When its time for me to go

So, I'll hold him dear
And close to my heart
Cause the day we meet
I know we'll never be torn apart.

Eric Clapton - My Father's Eyes (Live Video Version)

Sailing down behind the sun, 
Waiting for my prince to come. 
Praying for the healing rain 
To restore my soul again. 

Just a toe rag on the run. 
How did I get here? 
What have I done? 
When will all my hopes arise? 
How will I know him? 
When I look in my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 
When I look in my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 

Then the light begins to shine 
And I hear those ancient lullabies. 
And as I watch this seedling grow, 
Feel my heart start to overflow. 

Where do I find the words to say? 
How do I teach him? 
What do we play? 
Bit by bit, I've realized 
That's when I need them, 
That's when I need my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 
That's when I need my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 

Then the jagged edge appears 
Through the distant clouds of tears. 
I'm like a bridge that was washed away; 
My foundations were made of clay. 

As my soul slides down to die. 
How could I lose him? 
What did I try? 
Bit by bit, I've realized 
That he was here with me; 
I looked into my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 
I looked into my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 

My father's eyes. 
My father's eyes. 
I looked into my father's eyes. 
My father's eyes.

Signs...

Life can be a living hell when you miss someone you love so much. Amazingly, I get little signs when I really need them. They are comforting, knowing he is still with me in spirit. NOW I believe in signs. It's what lets me go on.

I can hear my dad, in my mind, telling me that "You can do it! You're strong!"...

Dad-please give me signs throughout life knowing you are there and helping guide me in the right direction. Dad I will miss you more than anyone will ever know. I hope you can be happy and do the things you have always wanted to do. I hope heaven is real because that is what is going to keep me alive. Knowing that I need to experience life, good and bad and then one day I will be with you again. Love you dad, I miss u greatly and see you in the future. Thank you dad for being my dad you always will be my dad and thank you for everything you have taught me and done for me I love you dad...

DON´T LEAVE ME PLEASE!!!!

my father my hero....

The father daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships on earth. I’ve been incredibly fortunate, and sometimes, I wonder what I ever did to deserve all of the blessings in my life, the beautiful, strong bond I have with my father being just one of many. Throughout my life, my father has been a stable, loving presence, supporting and guiding ME through my trials and tribulations, sharing in my triumphs, and being a shining example. 

When he would tell me that he loved me and that I was beautiful every single day I always listen ... When he would write me notes and leave them for me to find, I was learning how to do the same. When he would tell me that everything would be OK, I believed him. Even if it wasn’t all OK, I felt, and still feel, protected by him. He is like my umbrella during a rainstorm ... the rain is still falling, I can see it, touch it, and sometimes the wind blows it on me, but I am sheltered by his love and commitment to me as his child ... no matter how old I become.

When I hear the word “hero,” it usually brings up images of super men (or women) with super powers, sweeping in and saving humanity from villains and natural disasters, but when I hear that word, in my mind’s eye, I see my father. The word “hero” to me is full of subtleties, small, quiet, stable, yet profound ways of making impacts and changing lives.

Dad, you’re my father and my hero. I love you.

When I was a child, he was the man who taught me how to ride a bike and patiently helped me with my homework. In later years, he comforted me when my teenage "boyfriend" broke my heart... he taught me how to drive .... and I am talking about racing cars....  

I miss my Dad every day .... every minute... what comfort me is knowing that he is no longer suffering. 

I hope that no one ever has to suffer the way that I am. 

I miss my dad... I just miss him. I just want my dad. I want who he was.  He was dignified, honored and respected by many.  A day doesn't pass that someone doesn't tell me what a great man he was.  He is still that same man, but in a very different way.  I can't call him and say, "Dad what should I do?"  I can't call him and say, "Dad, what does this situation means?"  I can't call him and say, "What is God trying to teach me?"

I miss you Dad.  I love you and am so very proud of you.

He was my Dad and I miss him as much today as ever did, it’s just that I don’t cry as often as I did in front of people ... I feel less and less comfortable telling people about how I feel.  I think that they would smile sympathetically but secretly be thinking that I should be over it by now.  Grief is a funny thing, and although you do learn to cope with it, it never actually does goes away. 

What I miss about my Dad most is that I relied on him to help me unpick problems.  He actually didn’t give advice and the older he got the mellower he became.  But he was good at being able to help me sort things out.  I became a sad person .... I don’t know if I am supposed to get over it but I actually hope that I don’t.  The grief reminds me that he existed and the tears remind me that I am proud that he was my Dad.  

I know I have trouble accepting the fact that you're gone dad, so I wont...  It'll be like we went for awhile without seeing each other.... but I can see why God would want you closer to him, cause you truly were an angel on Earth.

You're My Hero....

I would ride on your shoulders

And look out on the world

Pretending I was big and tall like you

When you were there to hold me

I never was afraid

You made me feel there's nothing I can't do

If I'd spread my wings to fly

When I was very small

I knew that you'd be standing by

To catch me if I fall

You're my hero

Chasing the monsters from my room

Going on trips around the moon

The one who's always been there faithfully

You're my hero

And 'cause you're my Dad... 

I'm twice as blessed and lucky to be me

As I kept on growing

We often disagreed

But you let me find myself in my own way

And it's funny, how just lately

I've come to recognize

How wise you are becoming every day

There's so much you've given me

I hope I've made you proud

You're everything a Dad should be

And it's time to tell you now

You're my hero

You didn't have to say a word

Your love was the message that I heard

Inspiring me to be all I can be

You're my hero

And 'cause you're my Dad... 

I'm twice as blessed and lucky to be me

Tomorrow will be one month & I know if I jump, you will caught me....

I know if I jump, you will caught me....

It still feels unreal, like it’s not really happening. I still expect to speak to him on the phone. There is nothing like this pain ... my dad, that one person in my life that has always been there, that should always be there. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, are we ever ready to say goodbye? There was so much I wanted him to see and do. Will he ever know how much I loved him? How much I will always love him? 

I’m learning... it’s not as easy as people make it seem to be. It doesn’t matter how old you or your parents are when they die, their passing is one of the most difficult things in the world to deal with. I used to think that I need to be strong for others... put on a strong face, and even a smile, and talk about him lovingly. But then I may need to rush to the bathroom to let go of the tears in private.

So does it get any easier after one month? Not really. Not for me. Actually now is more difficult... now I start getting the more normal images of my father when I think of him: my father lying on his bed in his bedroom telling me stories, my father sitting in his favorite lazy-boy chair watching TV, my father telling one of his dirty jokes and laughing. Now it’s getting worse. Almost everything reminds me of my dad. When I’m sad about something I remember my dad because he’s the person I’d always go to for advice or consoling. 

The dreams have been intense as well. I dream about him a lot. I wake up from these dreams missing my father terribly ...

Sometimes at a moment I feel like I lose the ability to act. It’s like falling down an abyss at uncontrollable speed. I can´t see nothing around me and I have no idea where I am headed. I just know I am falling, and my entire world appears to be shutting down. Everything crashes into nothingness.... so, what now? What next? 

There are days I am just numb...  how can the death of a precious, kind, loving and supportive father be a blessing. Someone please tell me how to stop this pain, its like a shard of glass has just gone through my chest. 

I feel so hopeless and lost. Life is dead without you and I feel an empty hole inside... I just want to run away, and hide...  I can’t breath dad without you ... I can’t bare the feeling I have inside... I wonder why I'm alive in the world...  I can't take it anymore....  Wow how many times have I thought of dying... 

I have never experienced this pain... I have no family and nobody to talk to. I haven't had a conversation with anyone in so long that I don't know how any more and I'm becoming afraid of dealing with people. I truly have nothing left to live for...

Metallica-Fade To Black

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Can't stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye, *Goodbye*

My heart never knew loneliness until you went away. I’m missing you.

I never thought it would be this hard ... and experience such pain God!!!

I still remember the first time I felt huge awful pain; it was when I was around 10 years old and I lost my grandmother. I still remember the shock followed by the excruciating heartache and then the endless tears. It was very hard to comprehend that I’ll no longer be able to see, hear, or hug her anymore... emptiness engulfed me and I was suddenly drowning in sadness.

The pain I am feeling now because my dad is not here anymore is wayyyyyy worst ....

He always had the answers. The world had infinite joys to discover and I had endless curiosity. Life seemed to go on forever and I never thought about death.

After the funeral, that all changed. I lost my parent, my hero, my everything ... 

I miss him so badly that it hurts. I will never, for the rest of my life, enjoy a meal in the company of my father, or laugh at our inside jokes, or talk about our plans for the future. I will never again, ever, be able to call him and talk with him ... no more wisdom, no more deep conversations. Never again will I ever see my dad and be able to hug him and tell him how much I love him, and how much he means to me....

Eric Clapton - My Father's Eyes (Live Video Version)

... I've realized 

That's when I need them, 

That's when I need my father's eyes. 

My father's eyes. 

That's when I need my father's eyes. 

My father's eyes. 

Then the jagged edge appears 

Through the distant clouds of tears. 

I'm like a bridge that was washed away; 

My foundations were made of clay. 

As my soul slides down to die. 

How could I lose him? 

What did I try? 

Bit by bit, I've realized 

That he was here with me; 

I looked into my father's eyes. 

My father's eyes. 

I looked into my father's eyes. 

My father's eyes. 

My dad ... my everything

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen...

NANCY SINATRA - "IT'S FOR MY DAD"

There's a man who always stood right by me 

Tall and proud and good when times were bad 

To much heart, is the only fault that I see 

This song's not for you folks 

It's for my dad 

Always a partner, a playmate and a teacher 

Ready with a joke when times were sad 

And in my teens, sometimes he was a preacher 

This song's not for you folks 

It's for my dad 

He always was a rock when I needed one 

He gave me good advice when I needed some 

I want you to know that when It's said and done 

He's one of the best friends I ever had... I ever had 

This song's not for you folks 

It's for my dad 

He always was a rock when I needed one 

He gave me good advice when I needed some 

I want you to know that when It's said and done 

He's one of the best friends I ever had... oh, I ever had 

This song's not for you folks 

It's for my dad 

Of course I like you folks 

But I love my dad

my heart bleeding to death...

There´s no words that can describe myself ... I'm in my bed most of the time... my body is numb... my heart bleeding to death.

I am alone in the bedroom...  I didn’t see him or feel him so I just went back to sleep. I missing him so much that I just feel sometimes that I don’t know why I don’t scream, my pain is huge ... I don’t feel with the energy that I used to feel before when he was alive. I feel pain but I don’t cry everyday just some days I can’t even say when. It’s hard to keep thinking that I wont see him anymore it feels like a dream or like to be waiting for him in a long journey. I know I have to go on with my life but I can´t, its difficult to be able to recover who I was since... I feel that I wont be able to bring him back to life. The true is that I still can´t recover and I don´t know if I would sometime ... My energy has decreased since he died.  I loved him, he was the best ....  I love you and I will always remember you.

angry...

It's been a few days but it still very very surreal. The last time I see him he was laughing and talking. He was worry about me... I feel like he is still here, but when I try to look for him the sudden realization makes me very sad and miss him so much.

Father, I love you...

There are no words for the deep anguish I feel ... it feels like someone threw my heart at a brick wall. It's really hard without him. I still have part of his ashes...  My dad was a stable support for me. I always felt like everything would be okay when he was living. Now uncertainty & loneliness haunt me. No one can take his place.

Aggghhhh I have so much guilt, shock, denial, anger, sorrow, and fear. I feel so empty, he was my life.

I am so lonely...

My Daddy was my everything. He passed away on October 23... I am still in total shock... I am angry because it just doesn't seem fair to me that my Dad, who was so wonderful to people and also important to so many people had to leave the world so soon. I feel like I am more and more aggravated with everything now, even things that would not have bothered me before. I also am of course deeply saddened.  I miss my Dad with all my heart. The one thing I want is to have him back. He and I had a great relationship...  Everyone that knew my dad loved him. He was smart, hardworking, funny, and outgoing. I miss working with him on his car in the garage... I miss sitting next to him at dinner and laughing at all his silly jokes. It is the small things that I will really miss. I still feel like he is going to come back. I keep waiting for him. I feel his presence so badly. I just cannot believe he is gone.  Our love, our friendship, and beautiful memories will never be forgotten. 

Where his voice went? All our convesations? All his jokes? ... He had many funny sayings... I miss his voice on the phone, I miss his jokes, his music, his singing ...

Days has passed and Im no nearer to finding peace in my self. in fact i feel worse, i thought in time i would be able to cope and remember and move forward , but sadly this hasn´t been the case...  I'm lost and I'm broken inside.

I have hit an emoitional block where nothing can get in and cant release the pain i feel within.... Im trapped by my own feelings ...

I just want to say one more time thank you Dad because you were always there for me. I really miss you and all the things we did together... I hope theres life after death so we can pick up where we left off... I LOVE YOU DAD !!!!

even breathing hurts....

So 'healthy people' say the journey is more important than the destination. I don't necessarily disagree. But I'd like to change that statement a little bit and then maybe tell you some of the stories as to why I think that the journey is sometimes more valuable than the destination. 

Especially when you don't actually know where you're headed. Where are you going? You are travelling in the same direction as me right now but I guess our destinations are not the same. I'd like to tell you about some of the journey so far and why sometimes it really is more valuable than the destination...

Sometimes I dream of making a difference to just one young person's life .... I dream of waking up tomorrow and not having to put on the auto pilot face that tells the world that I'm OK and that I believe in the future. But really being that person and really being there in the situations life throws at me... I dream of knowing what makes me happy, of having that life and not having to think 'what should I be doing?' but just being me. 

But at the end of the day, all these dreams fade into the darkness and I struggle to know why I would want to wake up tomorrow or what even the purpose of the human race is anyway. 

So I think I have a dream... I dream of having a dream... 

...it feels like this blanket of darkness is settling over my shoulders and doesn't want to go away... even as I have been fighting over the last week, I give up, I'm exhausted.

I've not been sleeping well, I have very little appetite but am still eating and I often feel my eyes filling with tears ...

Being alone is horrible but my friends ... they have no more words left to say... I have to do this on my own....It's not fair to make them uncomfortable and worried when there's nothing that makes it go away.

Today I woke up aching all over as if I'd run in my sleep ... my head pounding as though I drank too much last night when I didn't drink at all!... Today I woke up with tears in my eyes... I feel lost, empty and alone.

I'm not strong enough to fight it on my own... I need someone to be there, right now that could be anyone... I've taken to holding my own hand and closing my eyes, at least then I can almost believe that there's someone there with me in this.

I need hmmm I wish to have someone to be here with me in this darkness... a hug from someone who knows the truth of how I'm really doing, someone to hold my hand and who won't run away from the reality that I explain to them...

I was thinking also that maybe I'll never know true happiness... that I'm going to be stuck like this forever... I have no idea how to strike a balance between the two sides

but all I know today is that the fears are still winning...

Mentally I'm struggling with the dark, powerful, destructive thoughts and physically it's hard to keep my eyes open... I need to write... 

All I can do is keep holding on...

There is a numbness to the day that makes it feel like nothing is real but even taking a deep breath hurts somewhere deep inside my chest because it's the very thing that keeps me alive.... I'm tired I don't want to have to hold it together any more... I want to let some of this fight show just because I'm exhausted of being the strong, sorted person everyone expects me to be...

Rascal Flatts - What Hurts The Most

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

numb...

Grief is not unlike being lost out at sea; waves of different emotions continuously crash over you and you feel as if the current will sweep you out even farther from what you once thought was normal... this time my grief is a lot different... I have to force myself to get out of bed at least every four days ... but I am exhausted and numb... I am crushed under the weight of the constant numbness. I am not able to feel anything... I have few friends here and most of them just emailed me or texted me saying "I don´t know what to say" ... I already figured that I am lonely ... 

My dad and I have always been extremely close. Even before I was fully delivered, my dad was holding my head up and I grabbed onto his thumb. My mother said I had him wrapped around my finger ever since.  I’ve always been a daddy’s girl.  We understood each other like no one else, probably because we were so much alike. He was my favorite and best friend.

I knew for quite awhile that I didn’t have much longer with my dad as he had been slowly losing his health.  There’s nothing worse in this world than watching someone you love so much slowly slip away and not being able to do a thing about it.  Nothing prepared you to see your dad barely breathing, eating and without talking.  I kept praying for a miracle, hoping that the dad I once knew would come back even for just 1 day.   

There’s not a single day that I don’t think about my dad and miss him like crazy.  I still pick up the phone to call to his cell phone ...  If I could give up every item I own, every penny in my bank account, and every level of “status” or whatever else is connected to my name, I would.  I would give it all up just to spend one full day with my dad, because I just miss him that much.

I love you so much dad, too much, and I can't bear to acknowledge the truth. I can't even write it. I miss you so much. I want my daddy back.

Nothing's OK any more, Dad... you were the one who was supposed to tell me that it was all going to be OK. 

I just wish I could talk to you and give you one more hug.

I love you with all my heart...

'A Song For Noah' - Stylusboy

Every time I look at you big blue eyes 

I see a light that’s burning oh so bright 

I pray it lasts until you leave home. 

There’s not rush cause I’m not letting go. 

Open up those big blue eyes 

Stare at me so I know 

I see a life full of hope 

Don’t let go don’t let it fall away 

Hold my hand 

And I’ll show you the way 

Hold my hand 

And I’ll guide you along the way 

Every time I I look upon those eyes 

I say thanks for your life 

Wipe the tears from those eyes 

It’s alright cause I’m not letting go. 

Hold my hand 

And I’ll show you the way 

Hold my hand 

And I’ll guide you along the way 

I’ll guide you along the way 

I’ll guide you along the way 

I’ll guide you along the way

I Will Never Be the Same ....

My Dad died and since then I know I will never be the same.

I will never be the same . . . as I was before. My Dad took my soul with him, a piece that will never return. I am incomplete without him. 

I will never be the same . . . as someone who hasn’t lost a parent. One of the hardest things about losing a parent is feeling that nobody understands. Even worse is feeling different and seeing those differences every day. It hurts, it’s lonely, and there are some days you’d do almost anything to be the same . . . as you were... People can't say you were never here for me 'cause you were here my whole life, when I needed you in my heart you would be.... You taught me things like how to grow...

you taught me never to let go...

I had never before experienced this kind of loss. I have lost my grandmother when I was 10 years old and the pain was terrible back on the time ... but that comes remotely close to the loss of my daddy. I knew it would be hard when it happened. I just didn’t realize it would feel this… I’ve always known that a large part of my self-identity was linked to my father. He has been such a huge influence in my life. Losing him has been like having the very foundations of my identity experience a serious messy situation ... like an hurricane ...

My dad was ill. He knew and we knew he’d die eventually. None of that makes any of this any easier. He was my confidante and main supporter. I could tell him anything. I discussed my problems with him and he gave me advice. When I did something interesting, I wanted him to be the first person to know about it. 

The hurt is the same ... nooooo some days the pain is stronger it makes me sick and weak ... I can’t stand this much longer ... I locked myself in a box...  I’m thinking, I’m 40 years old, many people loose a parent in their 30’s or 20’s, and some when they are teens or just kids. What right do I have to feel so bad, these other people had their parents around for a much less time. 

Daddy, it's been a week.... STILL miss you a lot.... I think I'll see you again in a short while. 

PS: I am so proud of you dad brave and strong to the end ....

Goodnight Daddy .....

I miss you so much. I have dreams again and again in which I make plans with you .... Dad, I miss you so much that it physically hurts me. There are times when I feel like I can’t breathe, like my chest is going to explode. I know that you will always be there and of course in my heart, but I don’t know if that will be enough for me. You are the best and ideal man I have ever known.  You are my best friend, my best buddy since I was a baby. You taught me so much — you gave me the world. I have so much to be grateful for, but I feel shorted.

For my whole life, you stood behind me, supporting me, encouraging me, getting me out of trouble, teaching me, getting after me, loving me. You have done a wonderful job of preparing me for the difficulties and the joys of life, but I feel lost  anyway. I love you so deeply. As I sit here typing this and crying, I see your smiling face, I feel your big solid slap on the back, I hear you say “I love you.”  Thank you for always being there for me, no matter what; thank you for teaching me about everything, and for learning about the things that I was interested in that you didn’t know about; thank you for your honesty, since I was a little girl; thank you for your friendship; thank you for respecting my opinion and talking to me like I was an adult even when I was little; thank you for sharing your life with me; thank you for teaching me about right and wrong and showing me the courage to step forward to do right and challenge wrong; thank you for being a gentleman, thank you for demanding that I do my best; thank you for a lifetime of love, support, kindness, warmth and friendship; thank you for teaching me how to win and how to lose with class; thank you for war movies; thank you for the world that you brought me and for all the good things I am.

Goodnight Daddy, I love you,

Sia - Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again 
I have been here many times before 
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame 

Be my friend 
Hold me, wrap me up 
Unfold me 
I am small 
And needy 
Warm me up 
And breathe me 

Ouch I have lost myself again 
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, 
Yeah I think that I might break 
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend 
Hold me, wrap me up 
Unfold me 
I am small 
And needy 
Warm me up 
And breathe me 

cruel world...

Such a Cruel Cruel World..

We all feel like giving up sometimes, at one point or another in our lives. It's tough when life pushes you to the edge and the whole world seems to be going against you. It's harder when you're all alone and there's no one to turn to. Even harder when desperation and fear cloud your mind. Solutions seem impossible to find. Everything seems wrong, you feel lost.

Take a deep breath. Take the time to just sit back, and allow yourself to just forget about everything for one moment. Forget about the disappointment, forget about the frustration, forget about the resentment. And while you're doing that, allow yourself to listen to some music. Don't underestimate the power of music. Music is a powerful medium. Music can make you feel differently. Music can sometimes move you, make you feel certain way. We all have our own favorite we will turn to when we feel certain way, if you don't, below are my suggestions, the 10 good songs you should listen to when you feel like giving up on life, for the hope that they will somehow help you see things in a brighter perspective.

I don’t know about any of this any more. I try not to get into this feelings, into this temptation to end everything but lately it has just become to much. Never have I experienced it this bad, to the point where I actually wake up in the morning extremely disappointed and wishing that God would have finally answered my prayers and just taken me.

I try hard for others going through this and I tell them to keep strong, just to hold on but look at me! I can’t even listen to myself! I can’t even hold on, It’s like everything I once had just appears so distant now. Everything I’ve ever wanted in life has suddenly stopped being what I want. Now, I’ll I want is to stop this pain, be happy even if being happy comes within my last few breaths of life…..

This month, much like many others, has been completely insane.  I hate it so much. I feel out of place no matter where I go. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

Do you ever hate yourself for waking up in the morning? Or for how you look in the mirror? .... Things are getting so bad... I'm fucked up. In more ways than one. I've made bad decision after bad decision and I'm still on that road. 

Bottom line?

I'm going into a bad place again. Well, a lower place than what I was at. I'm scared of being alone with myself but I also scared of people ........

Why do I feel so sad? why do I feel so much pain? Why do I go for days at a time without eating or sleeping? why people are so selfish? why people forget about compassion? .........why? why? why?

These are the things that I think about all the time. I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I'm sorry if I screwed up. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough. I feel horrible. 

Numbness is better than pain. I'm hurting so bad and no one understand that. Its so frustrating. I can't take all of the judging and criticizing and everything else. 

How can they do this? Why?

How can they all do this to me? How can my relatives want to hurt me so badly? How can everyone betray me so easily when I need them the most. 

How is everyone SO selfish when I strive to live my life to be as selfless as I can? I just don't understand. Why did all of this happen to me? What did I do to deserve it? 

I know they say life's not fair, and trust me I know that, but this is just taking it above and beyond the normal realms of typical "life obstacles". 

My life has gone to shit and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it or make it better. Im completely lost and alone. Am I going to make it out of this mess alive? I really just don't think so. 

I can't take my family ... just my dad and they don´t want me to see him. It's so unhealthy for me. 

That's all I have to say about anything anymore. How and why. It just doesn't make sense. Doesn't add up. 

Please tell me. How do I stop hurting this bad. 

Lately I just feel really...numb. And at peace. And that's not good, because I'm never at peace. It makes me think that I subconsciously made my decision. And not a good one, if you know what I mean. I don't know..I just have a bad feeling about tomorrow. 

How the hell do I get outside of my head? I don't want to be trapped like this. I want to feel better. I don't want to be in this situation. That's it. That's my goal in life. To stop all the pain. No one listens to me long enough to take me seriously anyway. It sucks. 

I can't. I've never felt this much pain in my life and I need it to stop. 

What if I was stronger?

What if it had happened after I met all the new people in my life. Could that have helped me? Offered me other solutions?

What if my mother cared?

What if it was a different girl?

What if she wanted the same thing I wanted?

What if I listened to myself and not anybody else?

Eminem - Beautiful (OFFICAL MUSIC VIDEO) FULL UNCENSORED

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own

Everybody has a private world where they can be alone

Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through

Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?

I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump

If I could just get over this hump

But I need something to pull me out this dump,

I took my bruises, took my lumps

Fell down and I got right back up

But I need that spark to get psyched back up

In order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in

I'm starting to feel distant again

So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent

But I just can't admit

Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap

I need a new outlet, I know some shit's so hard to swallow

And I just can't sit back and wallow

In my own sorrow

But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow

I'll be one tough act to follow

Here today, gone tomorrow

But you have to walk a thousand miles

[Chorus:]

In my shoes, just to see

What it's like, to be me

I'll be you, let's trade shoes

Just to see what it'd be like to

Feel your pain, you feel mine

Go inside each other's mind

Just to see what we find

Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful, oh

They can all get fucked.

Just stay true to you

So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful

Oh, they can all get fucked.

Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor

Everything is so tense and gloom

I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room

Just as soon as I walk in

It's like all eyes on me

So I try to avoid any eye contact

'cause if I do that then it opens a door for conversation

Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention

I just want to be just like you

Blend in with the rest of the room

Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant

Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass

Laugh at every single joke I crack

And half of them ain't even funny like

"Ah, Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn"

Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down?

Listen to the tale I'm about to tell

Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes

And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

[Chorus]

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful

Oh They can all get fucked.

Just stay true to you so

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful

Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so

Nobody asked for life to deal us

With these bullshit hands we're dealt

We have to take these cards ourselves

And flip them, don't expect no help

Now I could have either just

Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned

Or take this situation in which I'm placed in

And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid

To wait by the door and pack his bags

Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed

For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in

At every single place

Every school I went

I dreamed of being that cool kid

Even if it meant acting stupid

Aunt Edna always told me keep makin' that face it'll get stuck like that

Meanwhile I'm just standin' there

Holdin' my tongue tryna talk like this

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old

I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryna impress my friends no mo'

But I already told you my whole life story

Not just based on my description

'cause where you see it from where you're sitting

Is probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile

In each other's shoes, at least

What size you wear? I wear tens

Let's see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]

[Outro:]

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own

Everybody has a private world where they can be alone...

So are you calling me, are you trying to get through, oh?

Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you?

So oh oh

Yea... To my babies. Stay strong.

Daddy will be home soon

And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes

That fit you, so put 'em on and wear 'em

And be yourself, man, be proud of who you are

Even if it sounds corny,

Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful